Husband said he wants to spilt up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 3

[mummy917]

Just another follow on thread from the last 2 😊

I do think part of the reason he’s refused to pay is so he feels as if he is in control of it, why else would he have said “and there’s nothing you can do about it”?

I am fully expecting him to do this where the children are concerned, especially when a woman materialises. I mean, he’s already made it plain that he wants his 3 days off every other weekend, so dropping them for something else that would benefit only him, wouldn’t be surprising, just predictable.

Well there we are then

😂😂

Ladies and Gentlemen! for your delectation and delight, we present the star turn of Mumsnet Cheeky Fuckery.......

Twattoo, the Mattress Lothario!!!!

Take it as a positive, you know exactly who he is now. Knowledge is power, no ambiguity. He’s not the brightest is he.

When you asked for the mattress money did he literally just say ‘no and there is nothing you can do about it’ or did he try and give a flimsy excuse? Also has he paid his share of last month’s bills?

It does just sound like he’s throwing his toys out the pram because it’s all going rather wrong for him and there is now literally nothing he can do about it. When you think about it, if he didn’t have lots of disposable income when you shared finances and lived together, he’s not going to be able to suddenly support an independent household and have cash leftover to finish his tattoo. It all sounds very sad, midlife crisis ish. Luckily, Twattoo, The Mattress Lothario deserves nothing less.

Couldn’t the costs of the mattresses etc be taken into account in any financial settlement in the divorce?
Or could this be something you could say to him, as a retort to ‘there’s nothing you can do about it’?
Not sure if this would be a thing, but it might be enough to take the wind out of his sails.
I’m so sorry OP, he really is a vile oxygen thief.

I'm going to stick my neck out here and wager my last 50p that his 50/50 insistence won't last five minutes.

It's not really going the way he planned is it?! I think he thought he would be the one calling all the shots and now all his stupid decisions are falling apart and you're the one who is actually coping. I would say he's made his bed and he can lie in it, but it appears he can't afford one lol. I've been cheering you on from part 1 op🎉💕

I agree.
He has really shown you who he is.
He has not paid you back for mattresses that your own children sleep on.
But know this - every time your children go to bed there, you have provided their comfort.
That makes you a lioness of a mother.
I think he’s very envious of you. There’s nothing you can do about it?
Here is what you do about it. Spend the rest of your life living your best life with you and your DC, your loved ones and your friends.
It is more than he has.
And if there is a woman about then God bless her because she’s got involved with a thief.
Would he go into a mattress store, walk out with a load and say there’s nothing they can do? No. Because it’s illegal.
He is a mean-spirited pig.
And he will HATE to see you thrive without him.
That mattress heist was his last act of control.
It is a red line.

I would give him zero reaction, just a knowing smile when you see him. Total grey rock, do not feed the troll.

It must be a sickening feeling but you did this with good intentions because YOU are a good person. He is trash. Take it as a sign from the universe to proceed with the divorce quietly and move on. It's nice of him to show his true colours again when you were having a wobble. Very helpful! There We Are Then.

i know it doesnt feel like it right now, but the day that guy left was the first day of the rest of you living your best life.
youre an incredible mother. gather your support around you, friends, family, trusted people who can support you emotionally and who can also be available to and know your kids. this takes a village. stay open hearted and know that when he showed you his true colours he did you a favour xxx

Try to think of this mattress incident as a test you set for him. One which he failed spectacularly!

There We Are Then Totally Out of Order or in other words, TWATTOO!

Genius.

Get your child maintenance application in today. Thinking hes a nice guy or decent guy is holding you back he isn't. He has shown you that and its your loyalty to him that is stopping you treating him like he is treating you. Stop it now he will crap all over you without a thought so stop being loyal to him.

This has probably been said at least once before on your threads, but the person who wants to control everything is him, not you, OP. He is totally projecting who he is onto you.

He's behaving like a giant toddler. What a brat

Your kids will sleep better at his house for those mattresses. Just keep a running tally and present it when you're doing the financial settlements.

I would also make sure you've got a court agreement for the 50/50 because there is no way he'll keep that it when the OW finally comes out of the shadows.

Today would be the perfect day to make the payment to start the divorce. It's the 1st of the month, so the symbolism of a new month/new start, it will be easy to remember exactly when the process began, and you also now have definite proof that he's not going to pay for anything that he doesn't 'have' to.

IIRC TTML is 43, yet he’s behaving like a rebellious 13 year old cocking a snook with his, “There’s nothing you can do about it”, his desperate bid for freedom from responsibility, his teenage argumentativeness and defensiveness, his rebellious use of money for a tattoo.
You’ve been carrying this adolescent.
He’s cracked and keeps showing he can’t handle adulthood. Childishly he lashes out with ”controlling” (read “your capability and maturity put me to shame”).
He can’t handle relationships, with his mother, with you, with four children as he started to crumble when the twins came along. Connections reflect back to him his inadequacies so he trims them back. His interaction with you is getting worse by the day.
Don’t delay OP.

OMG this man is insufferable. I'm appalled that he's refusing to pay, and that you are now out of pocket while he's spaffing £400 on a twattoo.

But a least you know exactly how low he's prepared to go on the finances now. You cannot trust him with any sort of maintenance agreement, you will have to go through CMS for any maintenance arrangement. Then, if he fails to pay what he owes you, you do 'collect and pay' and he'll have to pay a 20% additional sum for the privilege. You would receive a 4% deduction from the maintenance, but at least you'd have more security. My Ex 'There We Are Then' regularly used maintenance as a form of control. He was devastated when I went through the CMS, despite it reducing the amount he paid, because he was no longer able to control me in that way. And when he asked for a spreadsheet to detail how I was spending 'his money', I laughed at him.

Hi OP
I'm picking up on the wedding ring removal (sorry - not been onto the thread for a couple of days!)..I replaced mine with a silver twisted band, a 'me' ring - my finger felt funny without anything on there🙄
Now I have something I can still 'fiddle with' but it's bought by me, for me, so it feels like I'm kind of 'committing' to putting myself first, not EXH anymore
maybe you can find a ring with your kids' birthstones so it's a new 'family' ring?
Just a thought...

Sorry for the late reply, I’ve been out for a coffee with my friend from work this morning and have not long been home.

Yeah the stunts he pulled yesterday have shown me exactly who he is and I believe that over anything else he’s said. I think I will keep the mattress stuff to myself about including it in the divorce settlement.

I am about to make some food and I plan on sitting down and looking through maintenance stuff.

I have felt relief today for many things; that aside from the kids I don’t have to have anything to do with him, I am free of his vile nature and I feel I can breathe again.

He did pay his share of the bills, it was the only thing I could get from him.

As I said in a previous post, I don’t regret buying the mattresses because the kids have somewhere comfortable to sleep. I’m also loving twattoo and mattress lothario 🤣 if none of my kids could read, I’d totally change his name in my phone to that.

@mummy917 i hope you had a nice break with your friend.

Will he be picking the children up from school/nursery today or will you have to see him?

Are the children okay with having to go to him again so soon after their last visit?

My DC could read when I divorced their idiot father so I have his number in my phone as TT - for Team Twat (Inbetweeners) but also Tiny Tim (he was not well-endowed and was not at peace with it).

You are handling him and the admin so well, OP, but losing time with your DC to a person who doesn’t deserve them is emotionally very hard. I hope that when you go back to work it will be a little easier?

Re the divorce process: I did it all (no solicitor as DC were already adults and we were agreed on asset split) and I’m so glad I did, as I really felt I owned and controlled that important transition. I recommend it, but don’t rush it - do it properly.

You're an amazing mum and he’s such an unbelievable fool.

The kids aren’t with him, the twins are with me and my 4 year old is in nursery and the eldest in school. The twins came with me for a cuppa 😊 I’ll be doing the school and nursery runs as normal. He said he may take them out for their tea tomorrow but who knows.

Yes, that’s how I feel too @JardenaliaI feel as though I’ve had no say or input into any of this situation so far, so me sorting out the divorce is me finally being able to make an important decision in all of this for myself.