Husband said he wants to spilt up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 3

[mummy917]

Just another follow on thread from the last 2 😊

I think its obvious that OP’s not rising to the bait and responding to the text about “how unreasonable “ she was actually confused him. He has been controlling her responses for a long time. If he is nice to her he gets a response and if he is mean to her he gets a response. Both are equally good for him. His last pass (unreasonable/I would do it if position s were reversed) was a kind if negging meant to keep negotiations open.

It was very confusing for OP not to answer at all—although it needed no answer as it was just an observation not a question.

He must have stared at his phone for hours hoping for a response which would let him know his words still had power to hurt or move her.

When he asked about it at drop off he was legit hoping she would say “my phone died and I didn’t see your last message.” Anything, to him, would be better than finding out that his words no longer have power.

But I’ve refrained and not actually opened the message, I just read the notification on my lock screen, so the ticks won’t have turned blue.

Turn off read receipts, then you don't have to think about blue ticks. Yes, it works both ways so you won't see if he has read yours. It gives you more disengagement from him though. Also turn off 'last seen', you can do this on an individual basis if you want, so only he wouldn't see (or you him). Little things that help to keep him at a distance.

He is definitely trying to bait you for screenshots.

He is probably also puzzled that he can no longer goad you into an argument by calling you "controlling" as a means to control you - because you've dropped the rope.

Just a point that I know @mummy917 knows, but it is SO tempting and is being suggested in so many tempting ways that I want to just remind her, and anyone else in this position: absolutely do NOT link refusing to mind the children on that Friday with non refunding of mattresses or even with disapproval of the tattoo or its cost.

By linking two unconnected issues (mattresses and Sept appointment) that would let him portray her refusal to jump to his tune as proof that she's actually using childcare arrangements to punish him over money or just from bitterness.

She can't mind them because she's not free then. That's all. It's part of his 50/50 time and is not an emergency or other unforeseen issue which might arise and require adaptation. This is not one of those.

My cousins ex used to say she was micro managing him. Anytime she tried to hold him accountable for the kids, or housework or just general presence in their marriage he'd say she was micromanaging his time and criticising his way of doing things.
After they split and he tried to outsource thinking/planning/being an adult to her she'd say something along the lines of "i trust you to find a solution, Id be micromanaging you otherwise".

It must have frustrated him no end

Love this! Great work by her

My experience of men is that they only think of themselves and are really surprised when they see that we are thriving without them. It has all been about him and what he wants. He expects you to be on the floor in a mess, and that boosts his ego. He doesn't understand why you aren't playing ball.

If you can, I would be winding him up big time.

Can you have the kids on Sat as I am getting a tattoo.
"No, sorry. I am going away for the weekend/ I've arranged to go out all day, then I am out for dinner that night too".

Don't be available. Delay texts back. Let him think that when he left you and the DC you were devastated at first, but now you have had 3 months to get used to it, you can see that yeah, it's for the best. You have moved on, you have filed for divorce from him. You thought it would be awful, but now you and the DC are THRIVING without him.

Tell him you can't as you are going the gym/cinema/out with a friend/ going on a day trip/ secret squirrel not mentioning where you are going.

Honestly, even if you don't feel it, if it is definitely over, whenever you see him or talk to him give him the impression that you are thriving without him and it is like you have been reborn. If he asks for info tell him it is non of his business, you aren't married any more.

That message is perfect. No one could call it "controlling", but it keeps him in the loop with his DC as far as possible. Another pp advised appealing to his ego - the children are really looking forward to seeing him/being at his. Keep record of all this OP.🌺

He wants a response so badly from you. Every hour that you just... don't respond... is worth a hundred times more than any clever barbed insult you could send!

Absolutely this - as our Press Office often tells us: sometimes the strongest form of words is no words at all!!!

Well done OP.
You said No, no need for further discussion.
When you understand this, it's really empowering.
You don't have to engage in further discussion after the word No.

You are doing so well.
He really is the dregs, tattoos ahead of clothes for his children 🙄.
What a lowlife.

Thanks everyone, just had a chance to read the most recent messages. I won’t be responding to him, however today has been another wobbly day. I’ve felt as though I’m missing him, I feel anxious because the kids are now with him till he drops them at school and nursery on Monday morning and I just feel as though I’ve gone back a few steps 😩

I don’t even feel as though being out with my friend has helped to lift my spirits today.

If he can't (or won't) buy them more clothes yet then he'll have to hand wash some at night so they're dry for the next day.

Old school

I feel you OP, this is probably going to be the toughest day for you. Please hold tight and seek as much RL support over the next few days as you can. We’re all rooting for you ❤️

@mummy917 . Ok I have some failsafes for wobbly days. A Bath, with music and possibly wine. Clean sheets on your bed. Arrange some flowers/ greenery in a vase, from your garden or bought. Take a walk in nature, preferably with a friend. Chocolate/ ice cream. Crappy novel/ telly. I keep a slush pile for bad days. Physical work - wash your car / floors / toilet. Identify the area of your home most in need and sort it( this ones really good- visible results- yes my life sucks but look - I cut my hedge!) Tell people how you feel, send one message to lots of friends family saying you are struggling today. They will respond. We all know how lovely you are, they do too, but you are probably not one to ask for much, yes?
obviously I don’t think your life sucks, and nor do you really, it’s just the wobble. Or talk to us, we love you😘

Have a look at Jess runs for survivors on facebook and insta. She is brilliant at talking you through what you do and dont need to respond to and how to respond.

It’s really hard to have to put your trust in someone whose unreliability has been so complete.

However, he can do it. He has his mum as back up. Same goes for the children. It feels massive, but that’s because you are understandably hypersensitised to it- like when you have a huge lumpy blister in your mouth but when you look it’s tiny!
It feels big, but it’s ok.

Thank goodness you aren’t shackled to his incompetence. This will settle into a pattern and you won’t have to cover the gaps anymore.

You could move the furniture around, change the curtains, buy a rug. Paint the walls. or
buy new towels for the bathroom
Keep busy.
Do something that signals a new era, a new You. Its your house & your choice now,

Chances are he will really struggle

It’s ok to mourn but really you are not missing him - you are missing who you thought he was.

It’s early days but you will come to accept he does not deserve you.

The good thing that came out of the relationship is the children.

Do things to revive you, bath, nails. See friends. Make nice food and freeze some to make your time with the children easier. Get them a treat for the garden. Climbing frame, swing, sand pit. Paddling pool. Rearrange your bedroom- maybe new bedding. Buy some flowers or arrange some from the garden. Start some Christmas shopping and wrapping. Think about a small pet even fish! Just define and embrace a new chapter however hard it feels.

Children aside, maybe we just aren’t meant to be with one bloke for ever ( especially a stingy one who plead poverty but spends £800 on tattoos.)

Today was always going to be an incredibly hard day, it’s natural to have wobbles and to miss the family unit you had. Not having the children to occupy/distract you is going to make it worse. You have come so far though in such a short space of time. Do you have anything nice planned for this evening? If not, treat yourself to a glass of wine, girl dinner and a bubble bath. Find something good to watch and try and tune out for a bit.

I just feel because now the dust is starting to settle, the reality is setting in more and for some of this, I felt as though I’ve been watching it happen to someone else and not me if that makes sense.

I did have plans to go for a meal tonight with my 2 close friends but I honestly don’t know if I can face it. I’d like to just hide in bed for the night to be honest.

Go with your friends OP. I'm sure you will feel better for getting out and seeing them.

He’s really gaslighting you isn’t he. Well done for for not rising to it and keeping your cool. I think keeping your responses blunt and factual is the best way forward. You’re going to go through so many emotions. You are grieving the life you had, so it’s normal to experience the different stages of grief, but you will get to the acceptance stage and life will feel so much better then. I really think you should consider getting a parenting app, he can’t have the final say on things like this. If it’s going to improve communication and make it easier, then I’m sure it will be worth it. Enjoy a bit of me time while he has the children x

Oh @mummy917 . We are all here for you. There will be wobbles for a while yet, but you are doing really well. Good advice in recent posts about how to cope when a wobble happens