Husband said he wants to spilt up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 3

[mummy917]

Just another follow on thread from the last 2 😊

God knows 🤷‍♀️. Great start to a relationship based on deceit and trampling on someone else. My first husband left me for the other woman and married her. I bet it’s a fun day in their house when he’s late home from work or doesn’t answer his phone 🤣

I think he is looking for screenshots. Be very wary.
He is baiting you.

Oh man. This MAN! Honest to goodness, he really is the centre of his own World, isn't he.

Agree with other recent posters, if he (or you, down the line) needed to accommodate changes for urgent hospital or dental appointments, that would be one thing. To ask for a change for a freaking tattoo appointment is insulting. On top of the not paying back for the mattresses, which I really think was beyond insulting.

Grey rock, short responses. Well done! He needs to learn to manage his money better, he needs to learn to manage his time better.

Fancy making a tattoo appointment on a day he’s not free, with money he doesn’t have. What an incompetent weirdo.

Oh girl I am loving this thread I never want the updates to end! You are such an inspiration to so many ladies having to navigate similar. I’m so sorry he’s putting you through so much crap which you and the children do not deserve. Time really is a healer one day at a time and you will really flourish. Sending lots of love 💕

It’s about control. He’s seeing how high he can make you jump. Well done for ignoring this behaviour.

As I said yesterday, there will always be something with him - I didn't see him being so organised to book replacement childcare for September when he can't arrange time to go to the shops for clothes but hey ho, he exceeds expectations! Continue to ignore and in time he'll stop asking.
He is losing control of you, he will push back, just got to power through.

The first, second, third time without the children isn't great, but it gets better as you find a new normal. You'll be fine.

OP, I’m so proud of you grey rocking him. You are maintaining your dignity yet will be pissing him off way more than arguing with him.

When are the children due home and how early do we think he will return them ?

At some point he will try and get out of a 50/50 arrangement. He is a selfish basic bloke who has no concept of putting the children first.

He is definitely trying to bait you for a reaction. Unfortunately for him, you are much smarter than that, your last few texts to him have been absolutely spot on. Keep grey rocking, it is the most effective way to deal with this sad excuse of a "man".

The mattress aspect of this thread triggers a memory of when my father walked out on my Mum 40 odd years ago.

Mum had put a downpayment on some mattresses for us 2 kids at a local bed shop and when my Dad left us he went to the shop and took the deposit back and then buggered off with the money.

All these years later I remember that one incident amongst many. He didn't ever have time to see us, prioritised himself over everything, never spent any money on us and my Mum never received any support from him. My father , to his shame has no contact with any of us- how embarrassing for him to have two children who have no contact with him. What does he say to his friends, his own family? what lies must he tell them about us?

O.p. your kids will remember things your husband has done, times he has been unavailable, unreasonable and mean. They will come to their own conclusions.
All you can do is continue being the great Mum you are- steadfast in your devotion to them, you are strong and your children will remember that about you, as well as how much you loved them.

There are some suggestions for clever responses, but OP already knows that she should be minimal in her responses and not debate. I used to imagine that every word I wrote to my ex cost me £10 and I pared every message back to the necessary only. Point scoring is playing his game. He wants this.

As far as the early return, I would aim to be out of the house until 10-15 minutes before the return time. He obviously thinks it's fine as long as the children are back before the return time. He seems to be in a rush to offload them. He will tell the children you were late, and you tell them daddy brought you home early.

In so many ways.

If you are going after pensions, I just want to advise that the companies that administer the pensions usually charge a fee to implement the financial order. The court will specify how the fee should be split between you and your husband, the fee can be around £3000 per pension. Just so you aren’t shocked if this happens! You can request for the fee to be deducted from the value you’ll receive. He would likely need to pay his up front.

@AngelinaFibres Your ex sounds unbearable in every way. I hope you and your DC have thrived with more distance from him.

@mummy917 If he pays for his twattoo on the day - 4th Sept -he will probably be saying (again) he is "skint" for the month.
If paid in advance he will have another pathetic excuse for not getting basics for his children.

I hope your morning is going calmly after that drop off. Twattoo was eager to argue and you didn't let him. You are a Queen 👑

(Less crucially, my phone auto-correct needs to stop changing my letters when I type "Twattoo".)

Oh my gosh, that is absolutely unreal. Great evidence for you though. Those poor kids. Thank god they have you!

You can reply: sorry I can’t help. Good news for the kids you’ve clearly sorted budgeting and will have clothes for them.

Agree with PP that he may be looking for screenshots or recordings of any times you react badly to his texts or calls. I would ensure all communications with him only say what you’d be happy to have repeated in court/to your DCs/family/front page of The Sun. I would be careful at drop offs in case there are any doorbell cameras nearby. In fact it may pay you to have one installed on your front door.

He’s probably not that clever, but it’s a good policy in case he tries this. Men like him always seem to have a mate that gives advice about ‘how to deal with ExWs’.

As often said here. No response is a response.
You are showing great maturity. Enjoy Ikea.

OP. well done on your Clarity & Strength in the face of his relentless provocation.
Re tattoo, You could reply. You are currently not having the children 50/50, I will be informing CMS of the adjustment
Or, Is there a credible reason why you could not booka tattoo on any of the other 182.5 days of the year when you are not in charge of your children? (nb, this is not actually a question)

I was told in therapy that you cant control the way someone treats you but you can control the way they make you feel. You are a prime example of how empowering that is. My ex still has the ability to create a slight anxious feeling when I get a random text from him but its got less over time. I used chatGPT to help with appropriate responses when I had to deal with a specific legal or issue concerning the DC and that also empowered me to stay on topic and not get drawn into unproductive point scoring.

I do agree that you shouldn't leave his response just hanging, although good for you for not giving in to temptation to let him have it.

A calm response of "I said no." means he can't argue that you left him in any doubt as to your position.

Maybe after you pick the kids up so he can't harangue you in person?

Oh I don’t k ow. OP not responding will have him writhing with frustration. He will have pre-planned all his arguments and criticisms, and he won’t get a chance to use them if she doesn’t open the door to it …

I can't believe he thinks you're being unreasonable when he has so recently told you that you're 'not getting your money back for the mattresses & there's nothing you can do about it'