Husband said he wants to spilt up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 3

[mummy917]

Just another follow on thread from the last 2 😊

what a wanker

I looked at the clock at 06:48 this morning and my first thought was "only 10 minutes until @mummy917 drops the kids off at Twattoos". So many anonymous mumsnetters are thinking of you and wishing you and your DC well OP ❤️

Thank you all, drop off went as smoothly as it could thankfully! He asked if I got his message and I didn’t reply and concentrated on getting the kids sorted and giving them kisses and cuddles. First drop off was hard and I did have to pull over on the way home and have a little cry. But I feel like it’s another hurdle done.

Thank you all for keeping me in your thoughts ☺️

Well done @mummy917

Well done @mummy917, you handled it like a pro. I’m glad it went as smoothly as it could and I hope the children are settled. Have fun at Ikea and having a catch up with your friends ☺️

He’s immune to your natural emotions- can’t see past his own. Dick.

Next time he asks for something unreasonable (sure it won’t be long), I’d be tempted to reply, ‘Don’t they shops where you live now?’.

As for, ‘he’d have done it for you’, I’d recommend he manages to have the children for his planned time first before offering anything extra.

I’ve woken up to a message off him calling me unreasonable, stating “I would do it if it was the other way round”.

Ha!

Classic saying you'd do something that you'll unlikely ever be asked to do.

You'd think he never had any childfree time to arrange this shit.

He doesn't seem to get that you are no longer there to pick up after him & he can't just arrange what he wants when he wants without thinking of the kids as he is used to.

@mummy917 I admire your restraint. At this point, I don’t think I could have held back!

Well done, this morning can't have been easy for you.

Perfect!! 👏🏻👏🏻

Like a pro indeed!!

Of course, the first was always going to be the hardest.

I’m curious as to why he wanted to know if you had got his message. Trying to temperature gauge? Naively wondering if you’d now changed your mind and were willing to help him? 😂 I think it was laughably the latter!

Well done. I would respond later (let him stew as long as possible) with:

‘I’m not unreasonable. Unreasonable is spending £400 on something when you can’t afford to buy the basics for your kids. Or promising to pay you back for mattresses for the new house and then refusing. And I definitely wouldn’t book something I could do anytime on the day I had the kids. These are your choices and you can figure out a solution that doesn’t involve me. Hope the kids are having a lovely time.’

I’m curious as to why he wanted to know if you had got his message.

Odd isn't it?

The message calling her unreasonable that needs no response or the message asking or a favour that has been responded to??!!

Wonderful! Selective deafness and reinforcing your priorities!

I’m not even going to rise to him calling me unreasonable. I answered him last night and my answer hasn’t changed. If I respond to his message calling me unreasonable, it’ll just open up dialogue for him to say even more to me and I’m not playing into his hands anymore. He is free to think of me as he pleases 😊

Well done OP! You handled it brilliantly, and it really is liberating once you see a person for who they are and develop a shield for their emotional darts. Grey rock will piss him off immensely, good, he can stew while he's having his twatoo done.

Bravo, @mummy917, you’ve done brilliantly this morning! Grey rocking him on his text message was superb! You are continuing to shine as a mother by putting your children first and yourself second. Keep on trucking, you’ve got this!

Excellent!

He has his (wrong) opinion & nothing will change that.

I think any trying to make your point will just make no difference.

I he's not getting his own way then I think he just doesn't care.

My divorce was in 1997. Your post woke up a memory. In the thick of it all all those years ago my I bumped into my exhusband in Gloucester. We were still at your stage of sorting things out . We went for a coffee and he did a little weeping thing about how he had no money that month so he wouldn't be paying anything for the boys ( aged 3 and 2). He had them the following Saturday and I picked them up at 9 on the Sunday morning. He had a 17 year old girlfriend ( a recent reveal to meat thst point, just after he'd left) She wasn't there but the hugely expensive long ,waxed cotton, premium brand coat he'd bought her was hanging in the bedroom doorway. It cost £265.00. I only spent £100 per week on food for the three of us at that time so that cost represented 2 and a half months of food for his family. He had the good grace to look slightly embarrassed. Absolute selfish wanker.

If you do have to respond, it could simply be “do you have to organise something so non essential on your time with your children? A doctors appointment i would understand. They’d rather see you than look at a tattoo”.

You are amazing and so much restraint!

@mummy917

Actually this. The reply to the message about being unreasonable would be a perfect time to start practicing and bringing in the Broken Record technique.

Then there is no ambiguity, no, ‘I was waiting for your reply before I problem-solved with something else’ abuse.

From his point of view, you are being unreasonable, because he isn’t getting his own way. So you could throw in the, ‘you’re entitled to your opinion’ line too if you’re going to use it.

‘You’re entitled to your opinion, but, no. I’m sure you’ll sort something out though’.

Just copy and paste! 😂

He doesn’t sound like a quick learner, or very emotionally intelligent, so I think you’re going to need to repeat yourself quite a lot before he realises the goal posts really have moved!

Glad you’ve got some nice things planned, OP. You deserve so much better. And you are beautifully asserting this for yourself now too.

💐

I mean, that is a good reply too… 🤔 And perfectly reasonable! He’d hate it! 😂

I’ve not commented yet @mummy917, but have been following your threads and am in awe of how you’re handling this whole shitshow.

Your kids are so lucky to have such a loving, capable, strong mum in their corner, especially with a father who seems hellbent on demonstrating what a childish, self-absorbed, man-baby wanker he is at every single opportunity.

Apologies if this has been suggested before (sometimes don’t have time to RTFT so just see your updates), but have you thought about keeping copies of these threads, or at least your responses?

IME these men will sooner or later start to shit talk their ex to the kids, and totally reinvent the circumstances of the separation, which can be difficult to combat if you (rightly) prioritise your children’s feelings and refuse to engage or defend yourself.

But your comments on these threads are are a real life, real time record of your hurt, confusion and heartbreak, as well as your striving to protect and provide for your kids at any cost in the face of his terrible behaviour. Obviously it wouldn’t be appropriate for them to read stuff like this for many years to come, but at some point in the future, when they’re all young adults, you may want them to see and know the true circumstances surrounding their parents’ divorce, especially if there’s been significant rewriting of history by your ex. Just thought it was worth mentioning.

I really hope you manage to get some enjoyment from the next few days despite the worry, and are able to have a well-earned rest and catch up on a bit of sleep 💐

I’ve only read your posts so apologies if this has already been mentioned.

There’s a woman on Facebook, Jessrunsforsurvivors, who posts about post break up abuse and the sort of fuckery these exes do to mess with your life. A technique she talks about is JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain - and how you should only answer relevant points.

Your strategy last night was perfect! You had already answered the question, “Can you have the kids on this date?” so no other response was needed.

You don’t need to Justify why you shouldn’t facilitate his tattoo, Argue that he’s already reduced his time with them and you haven’t, Defend your right to free time, or Explain why he should be spending his money on them instead. It would achieve nothing other than pleasing him that he’s managed to wind you up.

I really recommend looking her up because it feels like the scales are falling from your eyes and you are seeing his behaviour in and out of the marriage for what it is - abuse.

And just to echo three threads worth of comments - my god, you are so bloody inspirational and strong! You are smashing this and your kids are so, so lucky to have you!

I am liking your steely anger here. Good for you.
He really is a selfish arse.

You don't get to tell him "what to do any more" but expects you to bail him out of his own failings? Absolutelyfuckingnot.
Supermarkets are open 24hrs & next day delivery exists. He's had ample time to sort it he just thinks fk it she won't see the children without clothes so she'll send me some.
Next time say to him "i'm not controlling i'm just suggestions solutions to your problem"