Husband said he wants to spilt up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 3

[mummy917]

Just another follow on thread from the last 2 😊

I don’t think he’s a master manipulator. If he was, his timing of asking OP to have the kids for the tattoo appointment would have been better timed.

He’d be nice for a while first, not in literally the same day, or day prior, been rude to her. I think he really just doesn’t think things through, and cannot take ownership of his mistakes, and behaves like a spoiled brat when things don’t go his way.

I think "I am sure you will figure it out" for EVERY SINGLE issue he tries to make your problem is the way to go. Its a Grey Rock answer.

It makes it clear that its his problem and you are not going to solve it for him.

"I dont have enough clothes for the kids" "I offered for you to take some but you didnt, so I am sure you will figure it out"

"Can you have the kids that day, I am getting a twattoo?" "no, I am sure you will figure something out"

And so on.

What an absolute PoS he is!

So is he spending another £400 on the other twatoo half?

Even if it costs less, his audacity is unreal.

Grey rocking is a term I wasn’t familiar with until I posted on here, but it is absolutely the only way to deal with him. I have seen him for what he is and I cannot unsee it now. He thinks I’m controlling? Fabulous. He thinks I’m vile? Brilliant. I wish I cared but I genuinely don’t anymore. My time and energy is much better spent with the kids, seeing friends and family, working etc than trying to explain myself to a moron.

I have calmed down since he sent the text and have replied with a breezy “no, I’m sure you’ll sort something though”. Currently no reply, but it doesn’t need one to be honest. As people have said, no is a complete sentence.

I swear he’s pushing boundaries to see how far he can push you and what he can get away with.

Please nip it in the bud now or it will get worse.

If ever there were a situation where NO really was the complete sentence, this would be that situation. I wouldn't say "I can't" because whether you can or not isn't the issue, you don't want to even if you could. I wouldn't say that I hoped he'd get something sorted because that would be a lie and to be honest, you hope he can't get it sorted lol. So just say 'No'.

To say 'can't' means to him that you would if you could and that he has the right to continue to expect things from you. To say 'hope you get it sorted' will mean (again) to him that you 'care' that he isn't going to be happy.

Personally, I think I'd just send him this 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 . But I have a feeling he won't get that, either.

ETA didn't see your post that you'd already replied.

Yeah, he will have booked in another full day session so another £400. There We Are Then.

And only a moron would book in for that amount without sorting childcare first

Yep grey rock approach. It will infuriate him that you are staying calm and refusing to engage in his infantile spiteful games. Its good that you are rapidly coming to the point where zero fucks given if he tries to bait you or wind you up.

Hes pathetic and I am sorry he is being so utterly despicable. I am sorry for how much his actions are upsetting and confusing your poor children.

The kids will be ok because they have you, they have a loving devoted mum who ensures they have a calm and loving home and they know you are their safe unmovable rock.

Twattoo will end up regretting his actions in years to come when the kids hate him and dont want to see him

Perfect! And it leaves him with no where to go!

He asked something unreasonable, you said no and thats that.

He will be currently in a maelstrom because the woman he used to be able to control is now uncontrollable. Be careful what you wish for dickhead!

Right, because of course he could not reschedule the tattooing and spend money on actual essentials for his children instead.
"There We Are Then" indeed.

To be able to 'grey rock' him when faced with such BS is something else.

On some phones incoming and outgoing calls can be recorded. There is usually an audible sound (to both sender + receiver) that indicates the start of recording.

Saving anything typed or screenshoted to your cloud is a solid plan.

Perfect response OP.

Btw, when my x started calling me names such as, you’re a bitch, controlling etc, my counsellor suggested I say ‘you’re entitled to your opinion’ then don't respond further. If he says it next time, prefix it with ‘like I said’, ‘as I previously said’, ‘again’, you get the picture. Broken record technique!

I honestly think he booked it, purely just expecting that I’d agree to having the kids. It will be interesting to see if his mum steps in on that day or if he does rearrange it.

I’ve woken up to a message off him calling me unreasonable, stating “I would do it if it was the other way round”. I mean that’s hard to believe for so many different reasons 🤣 he tries anything and everything to shave the time down that he spends with the kids as it is.

What I really wanted to say was “I would never be selfish enough to spend another £400 on a tattoo when I should be prioritising other things for my kids, and I certainly wouldn’t be that much of an idiot to book it when it was my weekend with the kids’. But I’ve refrained and not actually opened the message, I just read the notification on my lock screen, so the ticks won’t have turned blue.

Not reading it or replying is definitely the right response, but secretly I’d be dying to reply to him “what can I say, you’re just a better person than me, clearly” 😂😂😂

Are you supposed to be dropping your DC off in a couple of hours or is that next week?

No I am dropping them off this morning at 7am. I woke up early and have gotten showered etc before the kids wake up. I am meeting up with my friends today and having a snoop round Ikea so I wanted to be all sorted before the kids got up.

I am dying to message him back with something smarmy but I’ll continue to hold my tongue.

Ah, that sounds as if you have a nice day planned 😊

Just be on your guard when you drop off your DC - I bet he’ll try and harangue you into agreeing, or go off at you about something else.

I would personally tell him that you prefer to keep everything in writing between you so there can be no “confusion” over what has been agreed.

Good luck at drop off @mummy917 x

@mummy917 good luck with drop off this morning and have fun at Ikea ☺️

Thank you! I feel anxious for drop off 🥴

That’s understandable, unfortunately I can’t see it going quick and easy without him at least trying something to get a rise out of you.

I hope it goes as well as it can though and he focuses on greeting the children etc instead. Maybe you can say your goodbyes (hugs etc) as you get them out the car so you can attempt a doorstep drop and run like he did last Sunday.

Good Luck. Don't engage. I used to chant in my head. " Detach.Detach. Detach" You have got this.

Good luck for drop off @mummy917!

he sounds like my ex re not prioritising his children….he decided he couldn’t take his children on holiday this year as it’s too expensive (the holiday was flights only as his mom lives abroad) so took his girlfriend instead and then come back and bought a Labrador puppy - like they’re cheap! He brings home at least 5k a month and definitely has the money, he just chooses to spend it on other things!

I propose you the loneliness and sadness does get better and you will be happy again one day. Keep focusing on your babies, do things for yourself when he has them and let yourself feel whatever you need to feel.

you’ve got this and we’re all behind you 💪🏻

Good luck for dropping off today x

@mummy917

This. Good luck!!

Have a lovely day!

(His message doesn’t need a reply).

Well done!

And that’s exactly why/how you are different.

That’s exactly the answer, but probably best not to send it and to not engage. He’s just having a tantrum, best to just ignore. He needs to learn communication needs to just be about the kids, not to get vile.

Maybe do write it somewhere though, getting it out can help, but also you may want it to refer to in the future.

(‘😂’ is also a tempting response, but probably not a helpful one!)

Have a lovely day!