Husband said he wants to spilt up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 3

[mummy917]

Just another follow on thread from the last 2 😊

I think you’re right, I do need to stop expecting him to be the dad I want him to be. Or the dad the kids deserve. No I won’t be mentioning the money, priorities, nothing.

I don’t know how he sleeps at night, knowing he WILL (sorry I don’t know how to make words bold on here so I have to put them in capitals instead) find the money for his tattoo but not for clothes.

Oh I think that’s simple - he’s so sure you will step in to buy the clothes 😂

You could be onto something about feeling as though he’s losing control of me. I’m not going to play into his hands to find out though.

Indeed. Adjusting expectations can be very powerful in therapeutic work. They need to be realistic to who you’re dealing with. Any more just leaves you frustrated and disappointed all the time. Does your head in!!

RE the lack of clothes: "It's not my problem to solve for you."

RE the childminding for his tattoo: "No. I'm sure you'll figure it out."

Grey rock. Bland, short and to the point with all of it.

Do you think when he decided to move out that he thought 50:50 custody of the children meant he could still carry on handing over his share of the parenting to you whenever he wanted to, for some strange reason? Or, as someone mentioned earlier in the thread, perhaps he’s just really bad at sums.

Absolutely this! He can't argue with written words and twist the truth it's your evidence . And it's on record

Tempting to message that it is best for the children to have a regular routine and start to establish and get them used to 50/50

You're absolutely brilliant OP. He seems desperate to get a rise from you at the moment. You're doing an impeccable job. A reminder that there's no need to respond to stupid questions. I think the reality is starting to dawn on him. He doesn't like you getting on with it. In regard to his twattoo request "no, I won't be able to"

“I am committed to working on that date.”
💪

You are doing so well, and it’s so hard not to bite back.
I do believe that a good co parenting relationship does have some give and take in it but for something like having a tattoo this is really not one of those occasions and certainly shouldn’t be his priority with finances or spending time with them.
I’m guessing because it’s his time with the children you could even be working that day, has he even thought of that?
Has he even thought about what he’s going to do over the summer holidays, regarding childcare?
He seem’s really quite deluded over all this, it seems he’s the one trying to be controlling now, do you think hes now realised just how much of the mental load you carried?
It seems he thought you’d fall apart without him, but what he’s seeing is a strong independent woman, doing the best she can after the 💩 storm he created.

I sound so incredibly selfish but I wish he would just leave us all alone. I feel with the way he’s behaving currently, it would benefit all of us in the long run.

He really is a twat isn’t he?

Nailed it.

Yup!

It’s hard not to bite back but you’re doing so well @mummy917
It really will be his loss when the children don’t want to have a relationship with him when they’re older.

Undoubtedly your children would be better off without him if all he can offer them is instability and refusal to look after them properly by clothing them and sorting out comfortable sleeping arrangements.

He is blatantly trying to avoid 50/50 by trying to constantly make excuses about why he cant have them

He can afford a twattoo but cant afford to clothe and look after his own children. Your babies deserve better than the piss poor effort he is making.

Keeping calm in the face of this provocation is hard I know, but keep your powder dry and document this.

You could calmly message him to the effect that the children need consistency and stable parenting and he needs to stick to agreed arrangements.

Keep documenting every time he tries to wriggle out of his agreed days or tries to make excuses to shorten the time.

Keep recording everything ready for when you need to potentially file a cms claim

I agree with this.

Just keep repeating variations of these. Short, factual, to the point. No sorries, no excuses. No is a complete sentence. Keep practising it in your head @mummy917

He is absolutely taking the piss now! Runs out of money after the first week of payday but has money for a tattoo! he conveniently arranges it for a day during his parenting time and wants you to cover child care!. Surely he must know how this would look to a court! He’s either utterly manipulative and crafty or thick as mince. You couldn’t make it up!

"No, I can't. Hope you get something sorted" is the perfect response. Good on you!

He really is a piece of work and is definitely trying to provoke you. Don't mention the tatoo, he will hate that you have not taken the bait.

Every time he asks you to cover any part of his time with the kids, just decline and remind him it is his responsibility to make his routine work around the days they are with him.

For this week, as hard as it is, you really do need to make yourself unavailable, he needs to learn what 50:50 means. Don't let him guilt trip you by saying one of the kids isn't settling etc, it is up to him to start parenting them.

I wouldn’t reply. Don’t feed the troll.

I just think he’s trying to bait you now, he wants the anger. I don’t know why he would want this, maybe to keep the narrative that you’re some dreadful unreasonable person. Maybe for his imaginary day in court that doesn’t happen any more in divorces.

I’d agree to it (ONLY if your shift pattern allows, ONLY if you’re happy to have them) BUT it has to be a swap, not a freebie. He needs to take them on X date and before the tattoo date, so he can’t default on it later.

i would pick a date right in the middle of one of his precious weekends off. If he’s serious about the tattoo booking he’ll have to take it or leave it.

Well said

To be clear, he’s asked you for things for things for the children, whilst they are with him, because he can’t afford it. Then, within a 24 hr period, he’s asked you to change the dates you have the children so he can get a fucking tattoo???
Genuinely op, is he unwell? That is…..just batshit?
My knee jerk reaction would have been “no, you utterly colossal twat. Stop spending money drawing on yourself and spend it on your children” but I think PPs upthread are right. Grey rock is the way, but fuck me, it must be hard!

He just wants a fight. It suggests all is not tickety boo in his new dream life. He's still trying to treat OP as a receptacle for all his bad feelings. Too bad she's resigned. I dealt with that by saying anything that is non-urgent and not relating to children's immediate safety can be sent via email and will be responded to in due course. My ex would text 5 minutes after emailing. I ignored him. OP absolutely has the measure of twattoo.

Definitely in favour of the "You seem to have sent this to me rather than your Mum by mistake" response to the tattoo booking text. But bloody hell, does he have no self-awareness at all? Pleading poverty one minute, and then letting you know he's wasting money on such frivolities the next.