Husband said he wants to spilt up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 3

[mummy917]

Just another follow on thread from the last 2 😊

He is absolutely never going to do 50:50

“I’m sorry I already have plans that weekend. I could suggest that you reschedule for another date when you don’t have the kids, or suggest that you organise for one of your friends/family to look after the kids for you……… but I wouldn’t want you to think I’m being controlling again.”

Don’t actually send that. But wouldn’t it be great if you could.

@mummy917 he’s definitely trying to provoke you, there is absolutely no other reason he’d ask you this after you’ve already had so many exchanges over the last few days. I’d just ignore it and if he brings it up again just say you assumed he sent you that text by mistake and it was meant for his Mum.

That's still two months away! Tell him you can't manage that and suggest he rebooks for a day he knows he won't have the children.

I have my friends and family in real life to vent to also 😊 I haven’t as of yet but I will be tomorrow 🤦‍♀️

I won’t be helping him out with his tattoo, he will either have to rearrange or ask his mum to watch the kids. There is so so much I want to say to him but I’m not sure if I’d know when to stop, if I started.

No, when we were married I was completely blind to his behaviour and did just take it as me being in the wrong or at fault most of the time.

I feel so close to saying that if he doesn’t actually want 50/50 then I will happily have them 100% of the time.

Also how massive is this tattoo and what’s so special about it? He seems incredibly emotionally attached to it. Has he always been into tattoos or is this a new midlife crisis fad?

I’m imagining Ben Affleck’s Phoenix tattoo when he divorced Jennifer Garner. I loved her response when she was asked about it ‘You know what we would say in my hometown about that? ‘Bless his heart’. Am I the ashes in this scenario? I take umbrage. I refuse to be the ashes’.

I agree, he’s trying to bait you into a row. There’s no reason why he couldn’t organise this in his own time… And to talk about a tattoo session when he’s pretending he can’t afford to buy his own kids is genuinely diabolical. Like villian level behaviour. Your poor children, thank god they’ve got you!!

He is actually disgusting. Can't/won't get clothes for his kids but will book further tattoo appointments.

What a sad excuse for a dad he is. I can't even imagine how it must feel for you to see him put such little effort into your kids, what a selfish man he is.

"Are you planning a career in stand up comedy, because your latest message made me laugh so much! Can't afford clothes for the kids or to pay me back for the mattresses but can book in your twattoo [leave in the "typo"] AND expect me to watch the kids hahahaha! As it is, I am away that weekend so no I can't."

I mean you probably shouldnt but fuck me its tempting!

He’s always been into tattoos and always wanted his other arm doing as a full sleeve, which is why this tattoo has spanned over so many sessions.

I’m not rising to it. I’ve kept my cool thus far, I’m not going to lose it now. I could sit and sob for my poor kids. They deserve so much better than what he is offering them.

OP they have so much better than he is offering them. They have you.

It sure is tempting….👍

As @ItsOkItsDarkChocolate says, your only response should be: ‘No. I’m sure you’ll sort something out.’ No mention of wasting money which should be spent on his children, on a tattoo, no blame or indignation, or suggestion he change the date to when it’s not his time with the children (because that would be controlling, wouldn’t it?), just a plain straightforward no without any more than that.
There We Are Then.

He is a cheeky fcker!! You are well rid. Just say: “I’m not able to cover childcare during your allocated time with the children. I think it’s important that we each make arrangements during our own parenting time, so I’ll have to say no.”

I’d love you to reply with ‘don’t think this was meant for me’ with a laughing emoji, then when he replies that it was, do what my teenagers do and reply with a couple of question marks.
I wouldn’t ignore it though as in his head he'll think you’ve agreed.
He really doesn’t want to spend Fridays on what he sees as childcare does he? What a loser. You’re doing so well not to react to his nonsense.

I think my response will be very to the point; “no, I can’t. Hope you get something sorted.”

He’s pulled some stunts during all of this but this one has left me speechless. I literally cannot believe this is the same person I married.

This might be the best way forward to stop him taking the piss

Just say no sorry . No more no less . If he try to press just reiterate I said no end of discussion .

Lacks object permanence for the children. He doesn’t remember them when they are not right in front of him.

Don’t argue and don’t comment on the detail .

After some delay, maybe a measured

“ No I’m not available on your Friday that week, but I’m sure you will figure something out.”

Don’t mention the tattoo or the money or his priorities. He already knows exactly what he is prioritising.

Accept he’ll never be the father you hoped he would be. Measure your weekly success by how far you disengage from it. You will be calmer once you stop expecting him to think like an engaged parent. You know what kind of a parent he intends to be. So be it. Somehow he thinks by spending more time and money on himself he can reinvent himself into perfect happiness. It won’t work.

My ex did such similar things , before his contact dwindled - made appointments that clashed with his minimal time with the DC, constantly wanted to change arrangements, spent £9,000 on a new custom adjusted bicycle but couldn’t afford £60 for the children’s dance classses. I never fully figured out his psychological motivations, but think it was to do with attachment avoidant issues and thinking that clawing back each bit of time and money would result in happiness. It didn’t!

Start putting your energy into building your DCs relationships with friends, neighbours and family who will show up for them. That’s where your efforts will have a lasting positive impact.

That’s good! Maybe I’m sure you’ll get something sorted.

It’s obviously rage bait. You aren’t rising to anything he throws at you so he’s trying to up the ante to get what he wants and get a reaction out of you. I don’t really know why he’s doing it, but to me it screams he’s losing control of you and he hates it.

I also wonder if he knows you are going to be anxious about having 5 nights away from the kids and he either wants to spoil your last night with them, or he wants to ruin your 5 nights to yourself.

Do you really think he’s going to manage 5 nights with them? My betting is that they’ll be home with you by Friday night or Saturday at the latest. No way he’s going to manage your son’s cricket on Sunday and the 3 little ones.

I’d leave out the hope, personally. Just ball back in his court. Not your problem to solve and personally I feel he’s lost the privilege of pleasantries from you, at least for now.

Consequences of actions and all that.

You’re doing amazingly well to not loose your shit! Although the more batshit they behave, the easier it becomes.

Just save this latest message in the cloud, as yet more proof that he is unable to do 50:50 without asking you to do his share

@mummy917

I’m not even sure it is rage bait, I think he may just have that little self awareness… 🤔

Either way, still best to keep it neutral.