Husband said he wants to spilt up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 3

[mummy917]

Just another follow on thread from the last 2 😊

OK so I presume you've made sure that's recorded somewhere - you wouldn't want him to turn that into "Well she didn't actually give me an opportunity to get the stuff".

Yep, exactly like this @mummy917

This!!!

And don’t send him any stuff. Didn’t he say no and that he’d sort stuff?

Well done on how you handled it, @mummy917 ! There We Are Then indeed!! You’re no longer picking up his slack!!

(I’m a few posts behind).

Yeah, it’s in a text message which is screenshotted as well as backed up to my iCloud. He no longer has that opportunity as he didn’t take it when he still lived here and his name was still on the tenancy.

Whenever an ex of mine started shouting down the phone, I'd start singing (to a random tune)...

🎶 Go fuck yourself, go fuck yourself, gooooo fuuuuuckkk yourseeeelllffffff 🎶

And then in a really loud voice say 'SING ALONG IF YOU KNOW THE WORDS' and start singing again 😂

It made him angrier and made me laugh.

Then he will need to wash and dry their clothes each night or he can ask his mum to lend him £100

This is a nmfp issue. (Not my fucking problem)

Absolutely love this. In my head it’s the tune to ‘oh Christmas tree’ 🤣

You have the patience of a saint!

How much is a parenting app? Would it be worth it, like the divorce to just pay for it for now ... and then get the cost split as part of the agreement.

Maybe it would be a good idea to set up some way of recording the phonecalls too. l

He left you with four children but as he thinks they are your "job" he doesn't see why he should spend any of his own money or effort organising or paying for their needs. He wants you to fund them. Because he already thinks he's making a big sacrifice looking after them at all when he thought he was leaving to be wild and free.

He doesn't deserve them.

Run out of money by the 7th of the month?
Either a "poor me" lie

or he's running through his cash like a fool.

He hasn't prioritised DC at all.
How will he even feed them.

Have to say OP you are doing brilliantly navigating dealing with Twatoo.

The classic using his mouth rather than his brain and eyes. Cognitive laziness. Agreed, he IS a spoilt brat. And you’re not dancing to his tune anymore.

He’s so used to just delegating and making it your problem, @mummy917 , so glad you’ve found your boundaries and are nicely holding them!

It is still very early days, in terms of new routines. You are doing so well to get these boundaries in nice and soon. Set the expectations early on. Future you will be grateful that you did!

And you’re not adding any fuel with passive aggressiveness, and that is so much easier said than done when emotions and hurt are involved!

You’re doing great!

We are all interested to see how the weekend goes… but also hope that you get some peace, some time to recharge and look after yourself.

@mummy917 please try not speak to him via the phone. Keep all conversations to emails and texts. I can’t emphasise this enough. He is using hostility and verbal aggression to try to get you to back down. A counsellor once said to me, if you don’t want to get struck by lightning, stay out of the path of the storm. Speaking to him will trigger old emotions and throw you off balance. I know you are doing a stirling job so far but why put yourself through it. As PP have said. He’s manipulative and is totally projecting his own behaviour back at you. He’s got away with it all these years so assumes he can continue. Batten down the hatches and protect yourself from Storm TWAT!

I'd argue back that actually Colin you utter twat bag (optional) I'd say me not taking responsibility and having to provide you with every everything for your children on your time is the very opposite of controlling.Your kids would love you to get a good controlled grip on your life and finances so you can meet their essential needs 🖕 (again optional ) 🤷🫣🤣

OP doesn't answer any phone calls.

He doesn't want a parenting app because he doesn't want his emotional abuse and manipulation in writing. 🙄 It's naff all to do with the cost.

Let him know you won't generally be taking calls, as you will either be busy with the kids or doing things like work/housework etc. You also no longer wish to hear him verbally talking over you or slating you so think it's best to stick to texts. Or a parenting app which he has currently turned down the suggestion of.

If he wants to speak to the kids he can drop you a message letting you know when yo expect the facetime call. If there's a medical emergency he can text you it, and you will call him back.

I'm glad you said no to the haircut scenario. Well done.

I'd not offer extra hour either, because it will be thrown back at you as YOU being happy to not stick to the times you'd agreed. Keep to the 50/50 days and times as much as you can. Reiterate that unless he's severely ill, those days and times are his days and times.

As another poster pointed out, has he realised if the kids are ill on his days it's for him to take care of them too?

There we are then indeed! 🙄🤦

The clothes - I'd send a message saying as we discussed on the phone earlier you have had x amount of time to sort out clothes for your house which is part of 50/50 parenting. The kids should have their needs met by each parent, at each house. If you cannot meet their needs in terms of providing them with clothes or other necessities that's unfortunate.

I thought he couldn't have the kids the other week so he was all fully prepared. 🙄He's such a billy bullshitter.

I'm so glad you've recognised his behaviour and how it's made you feel. As another poster has said, him saying you are controlling us classic deflection, as well as ridiculous.

At the end of the month - July is really the wrong time of year to buy children's clothes.
It's July, the sales have already started ( well they have in ASDA ) he needs to be there tonight getting a few summer clothes for the school holidays - due in the next couple of weeks ?

as soon he will be needing Autumn / Winter clothing / shoes / coats

what on earth has he spent this month's wages on already !
the rest of his tattoo ?

wait til he has to pay CMS he will not be happy ! and will claim he can't afford it.

Just this once and in the interests of being seen as completely reasonable and giving him no excuse to bow out of having them on his time I would supply one change of clothes and document it on WhatsApp reminding him that he had an opportunity to divide kids clothes etc but as he’s said he hasn’t got anything you are sending him with one change for now and if more needed he can do some laundry. If you are wanting to angle things toward 50:50 not succeeding I would give him the opt out and say that if he can’t facilitate them you can keep them with you for now - his call. Do it by text or what’s app so you have a written record.

Hold onto your hats…he’s sent me a text tonight asking if I can watch the kids on Friday 4th September (which is his weekend with them) as he has booked in his next session of his tattoo 🤣🤣🤣

Can’t afford to clothe his kids this month but has booked the rest of his tattoo in 🤦‍♀️ my heart absolutely breaks for my children.

I haven’t even acknowledged the text and do not plan on responding to it until I have calmed down.

What a twat.
Unfortunately you have plans that day.

And if you point out the insanity of this he will call you controlling again!

@mummy917 what a hero you are, you’re dealing so well with his nonsense. How he has the gall to ask you for more favours after the mattress incident I don’t know. No shame!?

”Sorry Harry, that’s your weekend with them on the 50:50 schedule and I’m afraid I’ve already made plans/ said I’ll work/ that doesn’t work for me.”

He will, of course, have a tantrum. But if he doesn’t step up to his 50:50 you can go to the CMA and get his lack of parenting formalised, and he can see if he’d rather not see them and pay you to do his parenting instead. I wonder which way he’ll jump in the end.

I genuinely can’t believe that he is refusing to pay for his own mattresses and then thinks he can ask you for a favour - that’s not even touching on all the rest of it

OP, So far, every time he has had the children or been scheduled to have them he has wanted you to have them back early, or for part of the time. Maybe time to ask him if he really wants 50-50 and if so does he understand what that entails?

He’s really not understanding 50:50 is he?

The guy is such a loser, words fail me! I hope you have someone to vent to in real life OP.

The response I use in this sort of case is ‘No, that doesn’t work for me.’ No sorry or I’m afraid. Straight bat

WTAF?!

😂

Has he got ADHD? Seriously, it may explain his lack of organisation and planning, money management etc., doesn’t explain him being an abusive twat mind you.

‘No. I’m sure you’ll sort something out.’

Knew the lack of funds was for the next stage of the tattoo….. selfish prat.

You are going to have him absolutely skewered by the time this gets to court.

He really does want to have his cake and eat it doesn't he. Doesn't want to pay for his kids but doesn't want to look after them either. Doesn't want to be 'controlled' by you but doesn't want to take any responsibility either.

I think people going through mid-life crises (which I assume this is) often want to be able to turn the clock back - be young, free and single again. The trouble is, time passes: they may be single, but they are no longer as young and they are certainly not free, because four children exist. They have a fantasy of going back to a simpler time but that isn't possible.

Interestingly, I think you may soon come to realise you weren't as happy in your marriage as you thought you were - he used to trample over you and minimise your feelings just as he does now. Meanwhile, he might come to appreciate quite how much heavy lifting you were doing in the relationship, whether or not he ever admits it (probably not). I think you will be all right, OP.