Husband said he wants to spilt up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 3

[mummy917]

Just another follow on thread from the last 2 😊

Eeee…he’s such a narcissist isn’t he!

You could give him the clothes of your back and he’d call it controlling. And then ask for the food off your table five minutes later.

So he asked you to do something to help him. You said no. He says you can’t tell him what to do anymore 😂

The irony!

Yes my brain was doing somersaults trying to understand his logic there…

he pulled out the big guns and called me controlling 🙄 my response was “There We Are Then”.

Fabulous.

There’s no excuse for this behaviour OP. He could have gone on Vinted two weeks ago and ordered some bundles very cheaply and all to be delivered straight to his house too. He wouldn’t need to run around to any shops or anything either… He really is determined to have all of the perks of a wife without actually being married to you anymore…

I’ve just caught up on all your responses and honestly everything you are all saying is absolutely spot on.

I have broached the parenting app with him a few times via text so I have it in writing, and he’s said no each time. Thinks it’s a waste of money 🙄

I can’t believe how self centred some of these men are, contact fizzling out to twice a year with their children, I just don’t know how they could do it. It’s my worst nightmare to think I’d be away from my kids. I’m struggling enough with the thought of only seeing them for half the week.

He’s once again text me this afternoon and said he’d be buying them clothes “at the end of the month”. It’s literally the 7th of the month and he’s basically trying to say he’s got no money already. Translated that means he’s got other things he’d rather spend it on.

Honestly I really do pity whoever he’s with now or in the future. She will need a medal the size of his ego to put up with him.

I’m simply trying to put in firm boundaries now and he hates it. He’s never had these boundaries before and when I asked him what clothes he actually had for the kids, he said “oh I forgot to look” 🤦‍♀️

I’m quickly realising that it doesn’t matter what I say or do, nothing will ever be enough for him. He’s acting like a spoilt brat.

He has had so many options, he could have (and still can) go to Sainsbury’s/Tesco/Asda and pick up some bits tonight. He could have gone to charity shops at the weekend if money is really that tight, or even looked for bundles on Facebook marketplace. If he was going to rely on you (which he shouldn’t), he should have asked you a week ago, not give you less that 24h notice.

He still wants to control you and is really struggling with you no longer going along with everything he wants. Unfortunately I think he’s going to become worse.

@mummy917 you are a better woman than me, because If he’s broke a week after payday I’d be pointing it out to him that maybe that’s why you had to keep a check on your joint finances. Also he has a credit card if he’s that broke. I’d also ask him exactly what he wants from you? He no longer wants to be in a relationship with you, no longer wants anything to do with you, yet expects you to bail him out constantly. Firstly it was providing mattresses, then it’s covering his lack of childcare, then it’s providing clothes. Surely as a functioning adult who finds you controlling, he can manage this all by himself. You’ve already massively helped him out by having the children on his Wednesday and Thursday night last week.

We're in the middle of a heatwave (well most of the UK, I'm in Scotland where it's dull and raining) but he can wash their clothes once they're in bed and hang them up to dry overnight. There's a good saying "a lack of planning on your part, does not constitute an emergency on mine"....in the same way he's ignoring you, you just carry on and ignore him - given his track record, anything you send to his house won't be coming back again!

“If you cannot afford to have the children this month, please confirm if you are declining contact. Otherwise, if you are going ahead with the agreed contact time, please confirm that you can adequately provide for their needs during this time.”

You’re right, of course, except, as other posters have said, that it’s probably best for @mummy917 not to point out any of this to him now, so that when it comes to the question of shared custody in the divorce, she has all these facts to present to prove that he is incapable of taking responsibility for his own children for 50% of the time.

After refusing to pay for the mattresses, I don’t know how he has the nerve to ask for clothes, which you probably won’t get back.
Luckily we’re having hot weather so if necessary he can pop things on a quick wash whilst they are asleep and hang it out, it will be dry super quickly.
His accusations of you being controlling are him trying to to manipulate you in to doing what he wants…
Next time he calls you controlling ask him if he realises he is emotionally abusive…
Hope you manage to get the lack of clothes confirmed by msg.x

He’s acting like a spoilt brat.

No, @mummy917 - he IS a spoilt brat!

@mummy917

I had the familiar feeling of anxiety and as though somehow it had ended up being my fault and it actually hit me that this is how I felt repeatedly throughout our marriage. His shortcomings would be turned around to somehow be my fault and I’d end up being the one feeling guilty and anxious about it.

This is the 'now that you know better, you'll do better' that Dr Maya Angelou spoke of. You've realized and acknowledged something that WAS a real truth in your life but no longer is. I've had a few of those moments. I allow myself a brief "OMG, how could I have been so blind/stupid!!!" and then think to myself "That was then, I am now 'doing better". One of my 'doing betters' was changing my esDH's avatar on my phone from his picture to a bright circle with 'Don't take the bait' in bold letters. It's working to keep me from, well, taking the bait when he tries to make things he does into my fault. Maybe you could change his on yours to (what else) "There we are then". Chances are if the DC see it, they won't 'get it'. Or change his name to T(here) W(e) Arethen".

So he can't buy his DC clothes til 'the end of the month'? I'm sure they'll survive, even if it does mean that he'll have to (God Forbid!!!) do a little laundry when they're there. If I were you I'd be sure to send them to him in the exact same clothes they're wearing when they get home because chances are he'll be sending them home in mismatched or 'raggedy' clothes in the hopes you send them back in something nicer.

Yes, definitely this. He needs to start doing 50/50 as he requested, and getting into wrangles with him won't help. @mummy917 needs to be clear but also firm about the agreement.

(One thing I'm not sure about: I know about the mattresses, where he totally took the P, but did he ever get 50% of the clothes, bedlinen etc? I think he needs to be offered half of their stuff, and if I were the OP, I'd want to do the choosing myself and hand it over all in one go, rather than risk him saying he needs to come into the house to choose. Apologies though if that's been sorted and I just missed it. Also, I don't know whether counting the cost of the mattresses in lieu of clothes is a good idea - maybe it's fine to do that.)

The question is, what is he spending the money on? Because it is sounding more and more like it's going somewhere else and there are only a few options:

• Drinking/Drugs.
• Going out and partying multiple times a week.
• Hotel stays...
• Paying for dates and trips (solo or otherwise)
• Recklessly spending on himself.
• More tattoos.

She told him to take half their stuff, he just couldn't be arsed to sort it.

Presumably he thought the magical domestic fairy would still sort it all for him, despite him having comprehensively s**t all over her.

I would do the in lieu of mattresses. That can't have been cheap for you OP and he hasn't paid you back. The shit.

Could he ask for a refund on the tattoo the poor lamb?
I mean what is he spending his money on?
He wants 50/50 but can’t even be bothered to answer a call for his son.
You paid for the mattresses and he said ha ha you can whistle for your money?
Now it’s clothes?
He sounds like a spoilt 18 year old who has gone to Uni and keeps messaging his mum - I’m skint, I need a toaster, send me bedding, I don’t know how to get up in the morning, I’ve run out of toothpaste, my phone screen is broke.
Honestly you could create a bingo card for him now. All the twos you’ve got a Twattoo.
I was asleep and missed the call.
You are controlling.
I don’t have enough stuff.
Could I return the kids early?
Could I return them during my time?
I can’t pay for that.
I have no money until payday.
Honestly we could all play along and shout house on a regular basis.
Twattoo Bingo, the game of the summer….

He was offered half of everything of the kids‘ stuff before he moved out and I reminded him on the Friday before he left that he needed to sort stuff out. Short of actually doing it for him, I couldn’t have done anymore. It was his responsibility to sort out 50% of everything they have at my house and he didn’t do it. He won’t be coming into my home now to choose.

We aren’t currently having a heatwave here, it’s cooled down and has been raining on and off today.

I just feel as though there’s no point in arguing the toss with him because he just turns it all round and when I make valid points he just shouts over the top of me anyway.

The quote above
"" A lack of planning on your part, does NOT constitute an emergency on my part," is the perfect response.

@mummy917 I hope you use this to Twatoo, followed by 'so there we are then!' He'll learn if you stick to your guns

It would be worth documenting this, OP.
If he won't use a parenting app, put it in an email or a text.

Write a brief chronological summary (bullet points) of the nasty abusive things he calls you, and of the 'favours' he is asking of you.

It is all evidence of his lack of care and consideration for his children, and his abusive treatment of you.

You could ask the question ' why haven't you got many clothes for them? What has happened to the 50% of their stuff we agreed you would take when you left?'.
It's a fair question, but could be seen as inflammatory!

His lack of planning and preparation throughout this process is actually quite astounding.

You are doing so brilliantly. 💐

He probably expects you to pack for the kids & wash it on their return!!

Just text him and say quite bluntly that he was offered the opportunity to take what clothes etc he wanted before he left so you assumed he had all he needed and you are not going to provide him with anymore because unfortunately you cannot afford to replace them at your house as he didn’t pay you back for the mattresses .

@mummy917

I just feel as though there’s no point in arguing the toss with him because he just turns it all round and when I make valid points he just shouts over the top of me anyway.

You feel that way because it is the absolute truth. There is no point. This is my esDH to a 'T'. It's part of that 'Don't take the bait' I'm working on. They know our vulnerabilities and have no compunction in striking at them, hard. They agitate us and hit us in our 'soft spots' on purpose to get their way through our guilt, our fear, and/or our self doubt. And if they don't get their way they're still satisfied that at least they've upset us. After all, if they have to be unhappy, it's only 'fair' that we should be unhappy too.

PS when the time comes you can request the use of a parenting app as part of child arrangements. He doesn't want to use one because then everything he says and does will be documented in one place. He wants to keep the possibility of 'plausible deniability' via texts, whatsapps, etc open. And to my knowledge the communications in a parenting app are generally admissible in court whereas 'regular' comms are not always admissible.