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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband said he wants to spilt up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 3

974 replies

mummy917 · 29/06/2026 07:20

Just another follow on thread from the last 2 😊

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
MegMortimer · 07/07/2026 11:54

Your clarity of thought and insight is brilliant @mummy917 given the short timeframe you've had to process everything that has happened to you and the kids. I wish you and your children all good things - you're doing so well.

SoftSpotForDandelions · 07/07/2026 11:55

I've been following your threads for a while and I really admire how you have been handling this situation. I wish your posts could be used to teach teenagers and young people about relationships and what having a family and that responsibility really means.

I think lots of men (and some women too) regret having kids and want to check out of family life. But how many women actually do it? You make a choice to have a family and you live with that choice. And yet men get to say they are unhappy and move on.

I'm not talking about relationship breakdowns. People can still actively co parent and want to spend time with their kids. He doesn't and that's so sad.

But your children won't be the first to have a selfish dad who priorities himself. And they have a wonderful mum. They will be okay OP. It's just a horrible realisation about him.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/07/2026 12:02

Supermarkets sell clothes i.e. ASDA, Sainsburys, Tesco and Morrisons, most ASDA's are open until 10pm if not 11pm,
so plenty of time for him to shop after work

and he can buy food/nappies etc at the same time...

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/07/2026 12:08

Its quite funny really!

When OP does stuff she is controlling but when she doesnt and points out it isnt her job anymore, she is being nasty.

Cant have it both ways mate, "freedom" comes at a price and that is losing the magic house fairy!

pikkumyy77 · 07/07/2026 12:10

So very well done, OP!!

Dontwearmysocks · 07/07/2026 12:11

Basically, any answer he doesn’t want is you ‘being controlling’. What a turd this man is.

Do not send the kids ‘with a few bits’ - you’ll end up supplying all of ‘the bits’ going forward because he actually doesn’t see that he should put his hand in his pocket for any kids expenses.

hold the line @mummy917 you are awesome!

Rainbows246 · 07/07/2026 12:14

He projects everything on to you. All his failings are you fault._ it’s not you that’s controlling. It’s him. It’s not you being nasty. It’s him not being organised and understanding his role in 50/50 parenting and expecting you to pick up the pieces.

@mummy917 You are amazing and he really dislikes that you are coping without him and haven’t done the pick me dance at all.

Silvers11 · 07/07/2026 12:19

@mummy917 PLEASE, PLEASE do not send bits and pieces to him. The kids won't come to any harm if they have to wear the same clothes for a few days. You KNOW he won't give you the money for them. He's playing you for a fool, now. He can't have it both ways, as someone else said. He can't say he doesn't want you to be controlling and then when you step back, say it's YOUR fault that he isn't organised.

BeeCucumber · 07/07/2026 12:20

Didn’t you offer him 50/50 on everything in the house? He had the opportunity to take enough clothes for the children at that point.

Freeyourmind · 07/07/2026 12:26

Been watching all along but haven't commented before. You're amazing.

Reality is, you can only have a successful co parenting arrangement if both parties are prepared to be reasonable. He's not, so in the nicest way, you may as well stop trying - do what suits you no more no less, expect nothing and you'll not be disappointed. You've provided the mattresses and it's still not enough, whatever you do will never be enough in his eyes. There will always be something, the barbers, clothes, next week it'll be a pick up or drop off, it'll go on and on as he literally has no shame. I'd personally send one set of pj's and clothes for the next day and leave it at that. But make it clear that next time they go you'll only be dropping the children, nothing else. Your anxiety will subside over time if you are able to find a way to remove yourself from his constant drivel. Honestly, 6 months from now you'll feel completely differently when dealing with him.

LeebLeefuhLurve · 07/07/2026 12:30

Once he realises that calling you names and controlling no longer works, he'll try other tactics and that may include playing dirty - these types will do anything that captures your emotional attention. For me, I had former boyfriends who threatened suicide (they're both still alive.. thank goodness...). For Twatress, I wouldn't put it past him to get to you through your children.

There's a reason he's refusing to use the parenting apps - he knows he can't abuse you through those.

Quamarina · 07/07/2026 12:33

He lost any chance of goodwill when he refused to pay you back for the mattresses. He treated your kindness as weakness, interesting that he doesn’t consider his ‘and there’s nothing you can do about it’ response to be nasty, but pointing out very reasonably that he’s had adequate time to make provisions is ‘speaking to him like shit.

99bottlesofkombucha · 07/07/2026 12:41

mummy917 · 07/07/2026 11:44

I feel as though I’m a broken record but he’s been in touch again this morning to say he only has a limited amount of clothes at his house for the kids and asked if I can send “a few bits” until he buys some. I said he’s had over a week without the kids so why hasn’t he used any of that time to go to primark or a supermarket and spend £100 get them what they needed between all 4 of them. He again got abusive and said I don’t get to tell him what to do anymore. When I pointed out that it is no longer my job to run after him and pick up his slack around any aspect of his 50% of the time he has the kids and he needs to prioritise their needs more, he said I was speaking to him like rubbish (I wasn’t; I was calm throughout and didn’t raise my voice at all). I again said “there we are then” and ended the call.

When I came off the call it was the first time I’ve ever had the chance to sit and think about how I was feeling after another confrontation with him. I had the familiar feeling of anxiety and as though somehow it had ended up being my fault and it actually hit me that this is how I felt repeatedly throughout our marriage. His shortcomings would be turned around to somehow be my fault and I’d end up being the one feeling guilty and anxious about it.

Oh well done! Excellent boundaries. The absolute brass neck of him asking for more things after refusing to pay for the mattresses.

anotheruser124 · 07/07/2026 12:48

I would really recommend keeping all communication with him in writing rather than a call, just to protect yourself both from his abuse and so you have a record.

But you did well keeping those boundaries and I agree, especially after the mattresses, why would you jump to help with his shortcomings again! He must realise he used up his goodwill when he pulled that.

MauveLibrary · 07/07/2026 12:49

Keep documenting every time he fails to stick to 50/50. Keep maintaining an evidence trail. You are doing amazing. Twattoo can go out and buy clothing as needed for the kids because during contact with them he is responsible for looking after them and ensuring they are clothed and fed and cared for.

You arent under any obligation to pick up the slack anymore for his shit attempts at parenting. After what he did to you and his refusal to repay you for mattresses then any goodwill towards him has been exhausted.

He is very rapidly showing you what kind of ugly unpleasant person he really is. He is no loss and future you will look back and be thankful that you have the courage and determination to divorce this mattress twat and move on with your life. You are doing amazing and I know it probably doesnt feel like it now but you are doing really well.

Daisymail · 07/07/2026 12:56

He has had plenty of time to buy what they need, online or, as someone else has pointed out, supermarkets are open until late. Please do not fall into the trap of subsidising his 50:50, particularly because he is most likely choosing to spend his money on a new relationship, rather than his children. It is crucial that he takes full responsibility for his 50% parenting.

Clarissaclaire · 07/07/2026 13:00

mummy917 · 30/06/2026 06:13

Yeah another reason I wanted to get the divorce moving is because throughout this whole situation, I feel as though I’ve had no say or made any of the decisions at all. He decided he was leaving, he decided he wouldn’t move out to his mum’s until he found a house. So I want to feel as though I’m taking back some control of my life by getting the divorce moving. When I told him this a few weeks ago when I started the application, he said “so this is about control.” It’s like he missed the entire point of what I was saying to him. I’d had no say in my own life at that point for 2 months.

She will find it hard to look after all 4 of them, however my eldest is helpful and will keep one twin entertained while the other is getting their nappy changed for example.

I really like the idea of a freedom ring, such a good idea!

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c3wy56v4ge6o

an article from the BBC website for you OP x

A close up of a young woman smiling broadly and holding her hand up in front of  her. She has a ring on her middle finger with a sapphire and diamond.

'I wear it on my middle finger': The rise of the defiant divorce ring

Around the world women are marking their split with new - or repurposed engagement - rings.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c3wy56v4ge6o

PinkEasterbunny · 07/07/2026 13:00

Cant have it both ways mate, "freedom" comes at a price and that is losing the magic house fairy!

Oh yes - I am convinced that his 'freedom' won't be as much fun as he expected!

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 07/07/2026 13:12

mummy917 · 07/07/2026 11:44

I feel as though I’m a broken record but he’s been in touch again this morning to say he only has a limited amount of clothes at his house for the kids and asked if I can send “a few bits” until he buys some. I said he’s had over a week without the kids so why hasn’t he used any of that time to go to primark or a supermarket and spend £100 get them what they needed between all 4 of them. He again got abusive and said I don’t get to tell him what to do anymore. When I pointed out that it is no longer my job to run after him and pick up his slack around any aspect of his 50% of the time he has the kids and he needs to prioritise their needs more, he said I was speaking to him like rubbish (I wasn’t; I was calm throughout and didn’t raise my voice at all). I again said “there we are then” and ended the call.

When I came off the call it was the first time I’ve ever had the chance to sit and think about how I was feeling after another confrontation with him. I had the familiar feeling of anxiety and as though somehow it had ended up being my fault and it actually hit me that this is how I felt repeatedly throughout our marriage. His shortcomings would be turned around to somehow be my fault and I’d end up being the one feeling guilty and anxious about it.

Not the point but....

ahahahahah YES!!!
Love how you handed him his arse and he just couldnt handle it.

Btw I really recommend recording these kinds of conversations.
You get a very different perspective when you relisten.

Also you are welcome to borrow the immortal parting line i gave my ex who wouldnt stfu about wanting to be friends after cheating on me

I told him the most wonderful thing about breaking up that I no longer had to give a shit what he wants...s

Daisymail · 07/07/2026 13:13

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/07/2026 12:08

Its quite funny really!

When OP does stuff she is controlling but when she doesnt and points out it isnt her job anymore, she is being nasty.

Cant have it both ways mate, "freedom" comes at a price and that is losing the magic house fairy!

and this, spot on!

It boils down to him not wanting to put his hand in his pocket for his own children. He views your earlier kindness as a weakness to be manipulated. Asking you to provide "a few bits" after the mattress debacle is truly jaw dropping!

Trickedbyadoughnut · 07/07/2026 13:16

So you can't tell him what to do, but he can order you to pack stuff for the kids?

Twatress.

diddl · 07/07/2026 13:18

He might only have limited clothes for them but he does have clothes.

As well as supermarkets that sell all manner of things, there are also washing machines that mean even a limited amount of clothes can be sufficient!

leopardandspots · 07/07/2026 13:20

I am afraid my prediction is that he will be continuously difficult about the DCs equipment and arrangements.

Then eventually contact will fizzle to less than one night every other weekend. Why? He is just one of those men who can’t put their children first. There are many of them. The signs are all there, not having beds, having the wrong mattress, not having plates and cutlery, asking you what the shampoo is, asking for clothes, nappies changing drop off arrangements for your son’s weekend sports club, trying to change arrangements for the hair cut. He will never step up properly. However much ‘freedom’ he has won’t be enough to make him feel happy. He just can’t take adult responsibility. He probably has that dismissive avoidant type personality behind it all.

Mine reached a point where he kept causing problems over ‘his’ weekends until he only saw DD twice a year. He lives an hour away. On one of those two times a year he saw her he complained that driving to collect her was hugely inconvenient, as his gf had invited people for lunch and he wanted to be able to drink with their meal rather than drive. So I did 363 days a year. He did 2 but even that much freedom was still not enough to stop him complaining about the inconvenience.

There’s basic psychological issues behind these patterns. You can’t make them become a competent equal co-parents. Also it is more damaging to the DC, if these reluctant men are forced into parenting.

I eventually learned that it was not my job to encourage, train or even psycho-analyse my exH. I needed to shift the spotlight away from him and his motivations, and focus the spotlight on my and the DCs life, leaving him in the shadows. .

McBuckers · 07/07/2026 13:21

Well done on maintaining your boundaries OP - start as you mean to go on.

"He again got abusive and said I don’t get to tell him what to do anymore."

They really do all come out with the same BS!

What these men seem to want is to have fun times with the kids without any of the parental responsibilities. W@nkers.

bigfishlittlefishtupperwarebox · 07/07/2026 13:24

Another one saying that you're doing so well - it seems like they all are taken aback when we just get up and get on with it. I always felt the same after speaking to my ex, even years later, everything got twisted round to be my fault, even when everyone absolutely knew it wasn't. I have second guessed myself so many times - just believe that you are doing this for all the right reasons, as we can all see.

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