Husband said he wants to spilt up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 3

[mummy917]

Just another follow on thread from the last 2 😊

Ha ha ha it has never been his strong point 🤣

Are we sure he ever had any strong points? Besides the sharp edge on his audacity that is.

It’s just hammering home the fact that he really doesn’t seem to care about actually spending quality time with the kids and that he blatantly doesn’t enjoy parenting. It makes me sad. 4 kids is hard work but also an absolute privilege and pleasure too.

Glad you’re feeling better tonight.
Insufferable and suffocating him? Seven years of fathering children with you and he didn’t notice? Of course he didn’t because it isn’t true. He’s pathetic.
Get ‘our’ hair done? Can’t he get his hair done in his own time? ‘What’s the problem? I assumed you can manage 4 children at the barbers as I did at the hairdressers, There We Are Then.’
Stick to your guns about times and be MIA until the agreed time. “Controlling” = not letting me have my own way, little kid that I am.
I agree that he fails to see the joy in fatherhood which is his massive loss.

I think you should definitely offer him the extra hour, watch him scramble to find an excuse as to why he can’t 😂. It’s incredibly sad he’s looking for every excuse not to have the children and I’m so pleased you’ve become indifferent to his throwing around the word controlling.

Did he ring and speak to the children earlier, or was it you again who had to initiate contact? You must have the patience of a saint not to throw back at him that he hasn’t even bothered to speak to the children for over a week.

He would definitely find some half baked excuse as to why he couldn’t possibly do that.

No, he hasn’t rang to speak to them. He had messaged me about the shampoo and conditioner I buy for our 4 year old daughter’s hair and that’s why we were in contact when I mentioned about Wednesday morning again. He didn’t ask about the kids or ask to FaceTime them. I can’t be running up his backside and essentially wiping it for him, he needs to invest time and effort if he wants a relationship with his children. It’s not my job to do it for him and never really should’ve been while we were together.

Thank you, I fully intend to stick to the times we have agreed. I think he has started to realise that calling me controlling just doesn’t have the desired effect anymore so he will need to up his game, as pathetic as that sounds.

It’s the kids I feel sad for. They’re amazing little people and he is missing out on so much.

The cuppa with your friend really seems to have perked you up and brought back your fighting spirit. I’m so glad you can see him for what he is, pathetic. Your indifference to him throwing around the word abusive is going to drive him mad, but gives you power.

Luckily your kids know how much you love them and how special they are to you. Every time he refuses to step up just means you get to spend extra time enjoying them.

Surely he is the one being controlling? He is making attempts to reorganise the fixed time? He is seeking to dictate what you do in the time when you have individual plans?

I’m so glad you have realised that it’s his choice if “ he.. invests time and effort if he wants a relationship with his children.”

And yes .. It’s not your job to do that for him…

Exactly.

Imo he’s repeating the poor parent-child relationship he has with his mother. He has no comprehension of the depth of feeling and fulfilment of fatherhood.
As PP have mentioned, he’ll repeat his role as a partner with anyone in the future.
His loss. A mega loss.
Not yours. You hold the cards. They’re asleep upstairs.

I’d be tempted to say ‘ if by controlling you mean taking back control of my life, then yes, I am!’

In 20 years, he'll be yammering on about how his adult children don't bother with him...such a prat.

The controlling thing is projection, he’s accusing you of the things he is.

my ex is demanding 50:50. He has been in his own three bed house for over four weeks and is yet to get the bedding sorted. He told youngest that he had built bunk beds for them but still needed to get the bedding. He told her this on Saturday afternoon shortly before taking her to Asda where he bought some beer glasses and some beer. Then on Sunday morning he was not available to take the eldest to her sports club she usually goes to. And then today he wasn’t able to see them at his usual time because he had cycled to work. There We Are Then.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this too. Why can’t these men prioritise necessities for their children over their own selfish wants? It’s infuriating!

@mummy917

You handled his attempt at cheeky fuckery spot on! Well done!

I’d be tempted as others suggest to mention the extra hour just to amuse in watching him squirm. We all know he won’t do it, but it might get a point across.

Indifferent to his ‘controlling’ accusation is a good place to be! It removes its power it has on you. It literally was him projecting what he was attempting to do to you. And failed. And the There We Are Then response is just perfect!

Glad you’re feeling better and that you allowed the emotions. The next wave will be a little bit less intense, and so on.

And lovely you’ve got the friend support you have!

And up his game he will as he knows he's losing.

I just looked into my mystic twaddle predictor and it says: "got a new fancy man on the go, have you?" will be his next thing he says to try and provoke you when you stand firm on preserving your own time.

In which case, you harness your grey rocking super powers and ignore his questions.

💪💪💪

Im so glad you have realised it’s just a tool to get his own way. You are right he will realise its having no effect and so I suspect he will reach for stronger and more cruel accusations to try to control you, might even try to blackmail you with a bad outcome for the children if you refuse. Be prepared for it and try to recognise it when you receive it.

So he hardly sees his kids and then in minimal time he has them, he wants you to look after three of them? Then you arrange something in this small window and you are controlling? WTAF?

On the plus side, the more he messes you and the children around at the moment, the more ammunition you have against a 50:50 split, as he is clearly only asking for it to avoid paying maintenance. As you will have that well documented, I should hope he won’t be allowed to get away with the pretence of being a responsible, caring, father.

You're doing really well. Keep grey-rocking, all the way. It helps you keep your cool and drives them mental.

Maybe this week you might have time to go for a rummage at TK Maxx or something, perhaps get an early march on your Crimbo gift shopping, and treat yourself to something nice.

He just doesn't get it, does he? Co-operative co-parenting is what you do when the two of you are in a partnership together, and you work out between you how to manage your time, and all the family tasks that need to be done. Or, if you sadly come to a mutual decision that the relationship is over, but that you'll work together to make things as stable as possible for your dc.

But if you unilaterally decide to piss off, then want 50/50 (not that it's happened yet) mainly to avoid paying CM, if you can't manage your personal finances in a way that provides your dc with what they need (bedding), if you're unavailable when you son wants to speak to you on the phone, and if you're abusive to your ex-wife - then NO you don't get that kind of co-operation. Suck it up TWAT, it's what you asked for.

You are doing great OP. I'm glad to hear you've got the flexible arrangement you need at work - they must appreciate and value you. And I imagine having that structure back in your life will help.

When my ex and I split there were times when the devastation hit me out of no-where. I was grieving for the life and the family life I'd imagined we'd have. I was was grieving for my dc not having the stability I'd wanted for them. I was grieving for the empty hole left in my life - where was my adult companion, the one I'd laughed with, shared worries with, been tender with? It's to be expected. But those moments became less frequent. Sometimes where I was feeling sadness I'd watch a teary film, or a sad documentary, and bawl my eyes out in a way that wasn't quite as directed at my own situation - very cathartic when I needed it.

I feel as though I’m a broken record but he’s been in touch again this morning to say he only has a limited amount of clothes at his house for the kids and asked if I can send “a few bits” until he buys some. I said he’s had over a week without the kids so why hasn’t he used any of that time to go to primark or a supermarket and spend £100 get them what they needed between all 4 of them. He again got abusive and said I don’t get to tell him what to do anymore. When I pointed out that it is no longer my job to run after him and pick up his slack around any aspect of his 50% of the time he has the kids and he needs to prioritise their needs more, he said I was speaking to him like rubbish (I wasn’t; I was calm throughout and didn’t raise my voice at all). I again said “there we are then” and ended the call.

When I came off the call it was the first time I’ve ever had the chance to sit and think about how I was feeling after another confrontation with him. I had the familiar feeling of anxiety and as though somehow it had ended up being my fault and it actually hit me that this is how I felt repeatedly throughout our marriage. His shortcomings would be turned around to somehow be my fault and I’d end up being the one feeling guilty and anxious about it.

That’s called post TWAT clarity….

You’re doing really well @mummy917 . I went through similar realisations when I called time on my ExH. He would blame anything and anyone for everything that didn’t go right for him, with zero recognition of his own part in these situations. So many friends told me after my divorce that they were so glad to get their old friend (me) back again. Not the shadow of myself that I’d been when with him.