Husband said he wants to spilt up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 3

[mummy917]

Just another follow on thread from the last 2 😊

I filed for the divorce on Thursday last week and paid for it. We are now in the 20 week wait.

@mummy917 To be fair the OW did me a massive favour in taking an utter man-child off my hands. I actually pity her now, she's not a nasty person,

Are we looking at around 16th November priding the financial settlement is sorted?

I never understand how these other women can stay with someone who’s cheated with them. I’ve never been in that position so maybe shouldn’t pass comment, but I always wonder how they feel secure with that person.

Yeah round about then 🤞

There’s an old saying that a mistress who marries her lover creates a job vacancy 😂😂

In my experience they don't. My ex cheated on me, his now fiancée is constantly wondering what he's up too and where he is. He is currently dragging his heels over a life changing decision that will see him move to another country thousands of miles away from his children in the UK to live with her and their child. He had been dragging this out for a year now and his fiancée is regularly asking his sister if he has met someone else and how she can't trust him because of how they got together. She will feel better once they are in the same country apparently.

Edited to add: this is just my experience. Perhaps some people are happy with their affair partner and trust them implicitly.

Isn't that true

I like your style @Sodthesystem!

I might sound harsh but I only have a limited amount of sympathy for her. I can never understand why anyone would want to play any part, no matter how small, in splitting a family up. I know the man who is married/in a relationship is the one ultimately in the wrong but it still doesn’t sit right with me if the woman knows he’s in a relationship.

I suppose his fiancée is now learning a very harsh lesson and hopefully he doesn’t do the same to her.

Well she sounds like a proper charmer, happy to play her part in the break up of his family and marriage, and is now demanding he move away and never see his kids?!

"I might sound harsh but I only have a limited amount of sympathy for her. I can never understand why anyone would want to play any part, no matter how small, in splitting a family up."

Completely agree. Though I do wonder if in some situations, the OW is as much a victim of a 'There We Are Then' as the wife is.

Imagine the BS sob stories these feckless men are probably telling them. And once the OW realises that the ExW wasn't crazy, cruel, selfish or whatever, it's too late, and they've invested way too much to walk away.

But yeah I do have limited sympathy too. I couldn't be part of breaking up a family and have kids experiencing trauma on account of something I did.

It's certainly difficult to feel much sympathy for either of them, particularly in our situation. I completely get that she didn't owe me any loyalty BUT she did know he was married, we werent the first marriage she had got involved in, she contacted me after I found out and tried to explain / goad me into a row. Both of them were appalling in the first few weeks until I put a stop to some of their antics as it was having a huge impact on my children. To this day (7 years later) she refuses to speak to my DD, she will attend events with her (funerals, birthdays, Christmas) and completely blank her.
I couldn't and wouldn't do it to another woman.

Essentially yes! He had already told me and the kids he will come back maybe once a year to visit. He has also said to me that he won't be able to afford to send money and because he is out of the UK CMS can't touch him. She doesn't see the issue as her child (their child together) needs a father. No thought to his children or elderly parents here.

Don't want to derail the OPs thread any further but they deserve each other!!

I agree 100%. No one who cheats or who is complicit in an affair gets one ounce of sympathy from me. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

My cousin's Ex married the OW. We don't know if he ever cheated on her but we know they (verbally) fight like cats and dogs from my cousin's adult DC.

We've all wondered why they stay together since they had no DC together 'to stay for'. We can only figure that since their affair cost both of them their marriages and the respect of their children they may feel they have to stay together to make what they did 'worth it'. Dumbshits.

We've all wondered why they stay together since they had no DC together 'to stay for'. We can only figure that since their affair cost both of them their marriages and the respect of their children they may feel they have to stay together to make what they did 'worth it'. Dumbshits.

I know a couple like this and the man openly admitted that he has only stayed as he couldnt face admitting that he threw away a good marriage and a happy family for a woman he cant stand and who cant stand him.

@mummy917 I hope you manage to have a calm and peaceful evening tonight. Maybe enjoy some Clarksons Farm.

Speculating on an OW will only wind you up further imo. The man he now is can’t be a prize for anyone, surely. The life he has chosen is worthless and superficial.
Look at what he’s throwing away.
His marriage.
Parenthood.
His children seeing him as a secure foundation.
His home.
His past.
The family that shaped him as a man.
His dignity.
Your respect.
He’s a teenager trapped in a 43 year old body. He’s playing games with childcare, with his children’s affection and with money. What an idiot, what a buffoon he is. He’s even contemptuous of his own future. He’s only living in the moment.
You’re the complete opposite of him.
Feel the massive admiration coming from MN. Three threads and there are innumerable posters willing you on. Feel it especially when you’re low. Behind the understandable crying, we see a woman who has strength, integrity, capability and purpose. We echo the feelings of your workmates and employer.
We believe in you OP, so less of the self-doubt.

If you have a Court Order stating how much they pay then you can go through REMO.

Thank you and sorry for the radio silence. My best friend popped in for a cuppa after both of our kids went to bed and it was nice to catch up with her 😊

@TillunaI totally agree with you and I honestly don’t think he’s ever considered the enormity of what he’s thrown away. Either that, or being married to me really was that insufferable and suffocating for him. I am so very lucky to have so many lovely women cheering me on on here and I will never forget it. It has been such a great comfort to me whilst going through all of this.

I am feeling much better tonight than I was this morning but glad I sat with my feelings and let them pass naturally.

I have spoken to There We Are Then earlier and have said all 4 children will be at his for 7am on the dot on Wednesday morning to which he agreed to. He then asked if he could drop our daughters off here for an hour on Friday morning so he and our youngest son could go to get their haircuts. I flatly refused as I do have plans on Friday morning with girls from work and I told him he’d have to arrange this in his time and work something out; maybe he could ask his mum.

I took the girls to the hairdressers on Saturday and we all got our hair cut, but I worked it so the 2 boys were kept entertained with the eldest having his kindle and the youngest had colouring books. I think he thought I was being difficult but I’ve rightly made plans for when it’s his time with the kids, as he does when it’s my time with them. He then said “oh I’ll just bring them back earlier the following Friday so I can get our hair done then” and when I also refused that and he needs to stick to our arranged time of 11am, he pulled out the big guns and called me controlling 🙄 my response was “There We Are Then”.

@mummy917 well done from standing firm, I’d be tempted to tell him he’s welcome to bring the girls back the following Friday at the arranged time of 11am but keep your son for an extra hour to have his haircut, or pick him up on the Saturday to have it done. I’m sure he’d love to have an additional hour with your little boy ☺️…. We all know he’ll never do that 😬.

In your shoes I think I’d actually tell him that him repeatedly calling you controlling when you don’t do exactly what he wants is actually abusive and needs to stop. Offer a parenting APP again as you are fed up of him constantly abusing you every time he speaks to you. His treatment of you is a form of mental abuse and isn’t fair. He wanted to split, he wants the children 50/50, he can’t call you controlling for not being at his beck and call for additional childcare. I’d point out that he hasn’t even bothered to check in with you once whilst you’ve had the children for over a week on your own, yet expects you to drop everything for him.

He's not really getting this 50/50 thing,is he? Has he always struggled with maths?

FAFO (literally!), amirite?

I would have told him “Actually YOU’RE controlling. You’ve had the kids two days out of fourteen and on my free day you STILL want me to give up my free time. Sod off you controlling prat”.

Ha! Can you imagine his response if I suggested having our son for an hour EXTRA?!? I think he would pass out.

I am fed up of him calling me names and trying to twist everything round, but I can see it for what it is now and I don’t think he likes that. I think it bothers him more that I don’t rise to accusations of being controlling anymore, I’m very indifferent to it now because I know it’s not controlling. It’s just a word he likes to throw around when things aren’t going exactly how he wants them to.