Husband said he wants to spilt up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 3

[mummy917]

Just another follow on thread from the last 2 😊

Personally, if it was me, I would answer with a simple and factual ‘they’re fine’. He doesn’t deserve any more than that. If he really wanted to know, he could call the older child directly to find out. It’s quite clear that when they are not with him, they are not uppermost in his mind. I think his question is purely to assuage his guilt and to make it look to YOU that he’s the thoughtful, involved dad. I think he sees the time when he’s not with them purely as his personal time and spending 30 minutes every day on the phone or iPad with his children would be eating into that time.

Like a PP theorised (@Pessimistic) I am leaning towards OW having kids who see their own Dad.

I have thought along these lines since the unanswered call from OP'S DS and his subsequent reply@1am 😶
I actually felt a knot in my own stomach at that news.

Did he ever mention why the huge delay OP?

It seems unlikely he will have them all for an entire weekend too many times, this might be OPs best chance! But OP seems pretty thoughtful and will weigh the difference pros and cons.

Absolutely this. If 50/50 doesn't materialise soon, I think you need to accept that it will be EOW plus a midweek night, and then you can deal with CMS accordingly.

I always used to think separated fathers fought because they wanted more time with the children, but more often than not, its quite the opposite.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do this weekend yet in terms of getting away for a few nights; I’m going to see how I feel by Thursday after my daughter’s nursery graduation.

In regards to the 1am response a few weeks ago, he just said he hadn’t looked at his phone, which was certainly not like him.

I responded about an hour ago just saying they were all okay and we would see him Wednesday morning. No response so far. I didn’t feel the need to say any more than that.

I have been in to work this morning to sort out my flexible working request and thankfully it’s been approved there and then so that’s another weight off my mind.

He’s not asking about you, let’s be honest he doesn’t care, and I’m really sorry if that hurts. It’s a token question and deserves just enough answer that he doesn’t get ammunition for not giving you updates about them that you desperately want on his time. How about
‘they’re fine, they’d like more FaceTime with you over gaps like this to be honest, when I called it was because ds1 asked me to. Anyway, you can talk about it with them on Wednesday.

The work thing is a huge, positive step. It’s another move forwards.
I agree that keeping replies factual is best despite your feelings.
He knows he hasn’t called all weekend. You can pull him up on it, but he knows.
Yep, and probably has a post-football hangover.
You are doing brilliantly.

I’m so glad your work acted reasonably OP. I’m sure that’s a weight off your mind.

Do you have a friend or family member who can go with you to the graduation? I’m assuming he won’t be going? It’s bound to be emotional for you seeing her graduate ☺️

Having had your flexible working hours approved must be a huge weight off your mind, the fact they okayed it there and then also shows how much they value you.

So glad that your work have granted your request. That must be a huge relief.

Yeah we all have the same gut feeling op. I mean it’s probably why he goes radio silent on the kids even when they try to contact them. A phone call with offspring you’ve abandoned is a bit of a dampener on a date.

Maybe she doesn’t know how many he has. Otherwise he could literally just go to another room surely. Or maybe he’s worried the kids will say something that he’s been lying about and she will overhear.

I think I’ve said it before but I would save my revenge and serve it cold. When she finally comes out of the woodwork of course he will pretend not to have been cheating on you. Pretend you believe it. And when the opportunity arises with HER just be like “oh no no hard feelings love, to be honest I think I’m happier single. I just wish it hadn’t come so out of the blue. One day in February we are, well, doing what couples do, as usual, you know, wink wink… and the same night he tells me he wants a divorce. I thought he was maybe seeing someone else but who knows. Men are weird, you never know what they are thinking” (with a happy airy throwaway attitude like you’re just thinking aloud)

Introduce the idea that he was still sleeping with you whilst sleeping with her. And the idea that he is changeable and you can’t trust him. And watch it all fall apart for him.

Because guarantee if she knew he was still with you, he told her that you two were no longer sleeping together and it had been over for years.

You can ever add “and I’m glad he has support with the kids cause frankly I don’t think his mum will want to be bothered and I can’t blame her, four is a handful”.

But then maybe I’m a vindictive cow, I’d go home and sit smiling sipping my wine and laughing like a supervillain.

But he deserves something like that.

That and a nice dose of having to pay CMS of course.

So pleased that your flexible working request has been approved! It's one less thing for you to have to worry about.

I agree - going away by yourself when you're not in a good place, isn't always the best thing to do.

It’s a huge relief that it’s been approved and I return to work the week commencing 27th July which I feel ready for. I’ve got amazing colleagues who will be there to pick me up if I have any wobbles but it’s something I feel positive about as I love my job.

I just struggle to see how the “excitement” of an affair could translate into every day life where the reality is he has 4 children. Surely any woman with an ounce of common sense will know that if she is taking him on, then there’s a chance she will in the future, have to take on the kids 50% of the time too (this is all hypothetical as it’s unknown how the 50/50 will go yet). I think he will be very careful about covering his tracks though. It would explain the complete radio silence though.

My mum is coming with me to my daughter’s graduation, I’ve made him aware it’s happening as he will need to facilitate taking our daughter there and picking her up as it’s his day, so he will be there too (so he says).

@mummy917

......and the loneliness is something else altogether. My friends and family have been great but obviously have their own lives too.

I hope I can explain this right. After I got my own flat I experienced something I thought of as 'loneliness'. After all, it was just me and the dog and I had not lived alone for over 38 years. But after while I realized that what I was feeling was 'alone', but I wasn't truly 'lonely'. It was more the absence of another person in my 'home' rather than the feeling that I 'had nobody'. I knew that loved ones were just a phone call or a short drive away. And that 'alone' (for me) meant peace, calm, an absence of strife, and the absence of my esDH's drunken temper and 'antics'. With that came a feeling of, not exactly happiness (at that point) but the feeling of 'this is what I want, this feeling'. Unhappiness, be it due to an alcoholic spouse or just your run of the mill twat takes up a lot of time, energy, and 'brain space'. When that's gone we feel empty and that empty translates as 'lonely'. But trust me, that brain space will be filled with other and new things. I honestly feel that once you get back into the 'swing' of work and your new routines you'll find less room for that loneliness. There will be 'moments' but they'll be fewer and fewer as the time passes. I didn't have young DC and am retired, but the dog and I have filled our lives with new routines and actually have more time for the people in my life.

So go ahead and have your cry, feel your feelings. Just don't let 'hopeless' be one of them. You have a wonderful life ahead of you. It'll just take a bit of time before you find it.

I just struggle to see how the “excitement” of an affair could translate into every day life where the reality is he has 4 children. Surely any woman with an ounce of common sense will know that if she is taking him on, then there’s a chance she will in the future, have to take on the kids 50% of the time too (this is all hypothetical as it’s unknown how the 50/50 will go yet). I think he will be very careful about covering his tracks though. It would explain the complete radio silence though.

My DH had one child from a previous marriage when we got to together and that was tough enough. I'm sure there are some women who wouldn't mind four step children, but such women are probably quite rare ... I think he's going to be in for a shock. Life probably won't be the shag-fest he envisages.

No sane woman is going to take on 4 children, especially when 3 of them are still nursery age. He’s going to get a short, sharp, shock when reality sets in. I don’t mean this badly but just wait until September rolls around and all the new school year bugs start hitting, he’s going to love having to take days off work with no notice to cover sickness etc on his days. Also things like GP appointments and dentists etc. I also hope your daughter wants to try out lots of new out of school activities on his days, like Rainbows etc so he’s stuck running around all over the place.

@mummy917

I just struggle to see how the “excitement” of an affair could translate into every day life where the reality is he has 4 children. Surely any woman with an ounce of common sense will know that if she is taking him on, then there’s a chance she will in the future, have to take on the kids 50% of the time too (this is all hypothetical as it’s unknown how the 50/50 will go yet). I think he will be very careful about covering his tracks though. It would explain the complete radio silence though.

Since when does common sense have anything to do with 'luurrrvvve', especially if this, shall we say, 'Schroedinger's OW' (since she simultaneously exists and doesn't exist at the mo) has no children. She's gotten herself involved with a married man who has 4 children, so she can't be all that smart, can she? And God only knows what he's told her about you and his past time and responsibilities with his children, especially since she's never been around them or known him to have them but for a few days since the separation. He's likely portraying and going to still portray himself as 'Super Daddy' for a while. We'll see what happens when he feels he has her conned and he starts shifting the burdens to her.

There are lots and lots of threads on MN from 2nd wives or partners who are saying "I didn't think it would be like this!!!!" about men who expect them to do the lion's share whilst they sit on their arses or swan off to the pub or hobbies. Hell, some of them even shoulder the burden of CMS if the prick 'can't afford it'. Idiots! And the women seem to do it for years before they wake up and think "WTF, these aren't even my children!". God bless them for doing what they do, but who can blame them for 'wising up'.

Yeah I can well imagine. It’ll obviously be the same for my situation too; very very few men would be willing to take on 4 children. However, somehow men with kids are probably more likely to go on and have relationships as it’s (usually) the mum’s who are the main caregivers, so they have more availability to develop those relationships.

@AcrossthePond55yeah I’m feeling the absence of another adult definitely. In some ways it is a relief but I do miss him in other aspects. I can no longer watch certain programmes as they were ones we watched together as our “comfort shows”. Peep show, The Royle Family, they’re both tainted for me now and I absolutely loved them. Maybe one day I’ll be able to enjoy them again.

In some ways I think men are more willing to take on a woman with children, than the other way round. Generally they aren’t left to parent these children, unlike a woman who gets together with a man who has children. I also think they generally think about the practicalities less, so go into it a bit blind. I agree it might be hard to carve out the time to meet someone initially, however if he does keep up some kind of joint custody hopefully you’ll eventually get some time to yourself to go out and have fun.

I still think though that when you meet someone that’s when your ex is going to start getting really difficult. He isn’t going to like it and I’m sure he’ll try to put roadblocks in your way. Do you have any mutual friends, or will you be able to keep any developments in your personal life out of his orbit?

@mummy917

I get you about the shows. Even though I instigated the split, considering the circumstances it was very painful for me.

Let the shows lie. DH and I had a few movies and shows we considered 'ours'. I made the mistake of watching one of them about a month ago because it was a movie I really liked even before we met and discovered that we both loved it. I was fine actually watching it but when the end credits rolled I started crying and my heart hurt. I felt like that bandage I'd managed to put on my heart had been ripped off. It took me quite a while to regain my composure. Even writing this I can feel a lump in my throat. So I've decided against trying watching anything again for the time being and when the time comes I want to try again, I won't try alone.

My ExH's OW thought he was a catch with a 14wk old baby, 2yo and 6yo. And she did know all about them as she signed the office 'congratulations' card on the birth of the third. For the first few months she didn't really have anything to do with the children. When the dad has the kids EOW, it's so much easier for them to develop relationships.

When I met my now DP, my ExH actually said to a mutual friend 'who'd want her, she's got three children'. Obviously forgetting that he also did.

When I met my now DP, my ExH actually said to a mutual friend 'who'd want her, she's got three children'. Obviously forgetting that he also did.

That's so sad but rings so true in a lot of cases.

We have no mutual friends so he won’t be in the same circles for anyone to tell him. Plus, I’d still treat him with the respect I’d expect him to treat me with and I’d tell him myself. Although it isn’t even on my radar or anywhere near it at the moment.

@AcrossthePond55bless you, it really is the little things that get you the most. I hope you can enjoy it again one day too, with some good support around you!

@McBuckerswhat an arrogant thing for him to say! It’s crazy how their minds work; did he just forget that he was in the exact same position as you? 🤦‍♀️ his other woman had a brass neck to sign a congratulations card! Honestly, just when you think nothing else can shock you.

OP. When my marriage broke down, like you, I was going to let him do the divorcing, until one of my relatives pointed out that as he was the one to leave, I should divorce him.
Also, ( as one of my divorced colleagues pointed out),if he gets himself into debt and you are still married to him, you could find yourself liable for some of it and if you were to come into some money he could be entitled to some of it. Get him divorced!