Husband said he wants to spilt up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 3

[mummy917]

Just another follow on thread from the last 2 😊

Just agreeing with others that if he isn’t longing for his kids, anticipating what they need to be at his, and missing them, wanting to be in contact, 50/50 must be a desire entirely motivated by Twattoo not wanting to pay anything. His mum will be doing the legwork and as your gut feeling is that she will run out of steam on this OP, I would say nothing for now, but assume that you will at some point in the future, be down to EOW. Possible that he could get a girlfriend who would pick up the slack for him in place of his mum, but it’s a lot to ask with 4 kids, so maybe not.

A pattern will emerge in time, keep a record of all the gaps, failed pickups, the refusals, and the early drops offs by him and when you know where you are, and the time is right - possibly after divorce/financial order when he has less to hold over you, file directly with CMS with your diary of what has actually been happening, documented. For now, (FWIW) I agree with being factual with the kids and encouraging them to ask him direct rather than you trying to cover for him and make him seem better than he is. The kids will work him out in the end, but encouraging them to ask questions and express their needs to him at the start is good for them I think as he will not anticipate what their emotional needs are at all. It’s heartbreaking.

One of the problems with a 50/50 agreed custody agreement is that if your ex is not really interested in his kids except to a financial agreement benefitting him, he will take the piss of the agreeement leaving you, EFFECTIVELY, with the majority of the care without paying you support for the kids.

You would have been locked in a situation where you provide most of the care for your children without the financial suport they need from their father. It will mean taking him back to court and serious money invested by you in solicitor's fees.

Don't allow it.

It would be a hell of a lot to ask for him to expect anyone to pick up the slack of 4 kids, even his mum although I think she’ll do it at first but will soon tire of it.

This weekend has definitely been one of the hardest in terms of emotions. I’ve just done the nursery run and off to take my eldest to school now and I think I’m going to come home and have a big cry. I feel as though everything is hitting me all at once, that this is now the reality for both me and the kids, far too much has happened to ever go back over (not that I even want that when I’m not feeling like this) and the loneliness is something else altogether. My friends and family have been great but obviously have their own lives too. It’s just a lot. I don’t think over the last 3 months I’ve ever really stopped to take in how big all of this really is and I feel like it’s starting to hit me now that we’re settling into a new normal, and it’s dawning on me just how much has happened.

@mummy917 I think a big cry whenever you get the chance is a really good thing to do. It’s a good way of checking in in yourself. The day you think “time for my cry” and you find you don’t need one is a really good day xx

Sending you love and hugs, OP. You are an awesome mother, and your children are so lucky to have you. Best of luck to you and them as you continue through this difficult time. Your STBX is an idiot, but he becomes less important every day. Your children know they are safe with you and loved by you xx

Your emotions are going to flutctuate, going up and down, for the next couple of years. It's remarkable that in the middle of emotional confronting issues at the end of your marriage, you've kept your realist and down to earth approach.

You are grieving for the marriage and the father you wanted for your children. You also grieving for the man you married many years ago. It's like a sudden death but worse. With a sudden death the end it's clear cut. With the end of marriage like your own is griving by a thousand minor cuts every day,

Cry as much as your need to. Feel your emotions and understand them. The man you loved years ago is gone

Being forced to deal with Twatress brings a whole level of stress on its own. A difficult co-parent is maddening and upsetting. I guess because they operate in completely the opposite way to a good parent like you.

The grieving and anger is normal. But it is important that you get to grips with it otherwise it will drive you insane. You might be able to access some counselling through your GP which might be helpful.

I had to let the anger go and raise my game as a single parent and single provider. (He never paid a penny.) It was the hardest thing I've ever done and I have a great relationship with my now adult kids who have nothing to do with their biological father and haven't done for decades.

Hang on in there. Be kind to yourself. Let the emotions flow through you as you process this huge sea-change in your life.

I naively thought that I was past the part of ugly crying and missing him. I suppose just sitting with it and getting through it is all I can really do at the moment.

I got a text off him this morning asking if the kids were okay. My guess is he’s got the morning off after the England match and thought he’d better check in before he is back at work.

Did you reply? I'd be tempted to say why don't you call them to find out?

Oh god, that’s a hard text to respond to, especially when you are understandably struggling yourself. Did you respond, or are you going to sit on it for a while?

I think I’d reply that they are well and that if he would like to phone them this evening then he’s more than welcome to.
Don’t tell them he may ring but it least you’ve been shown to be giving him an opportunity so he can’t further down the line accuse you of controlling his access to the children.
Youre bound to have a wobble occasionally, it’s been a massive change. One day at a time, one step in front of the other and as time goes by you will honestly feel so much better. Sending a hug

I haven’t replied to it yet. They’ve been okay but at times it’s been hard but that’s to be expected with a 4 year and 2 year old twins when they constantly fight over the same toy or book 🥴 I don’t want to tell him that though.

I don’t think I should reply until I’ve at least gotten myself pulled round a bit.

No I wouldn’t tell him how you’re coping or details of your daily life.

Just try and keep it factual. Something along the lines of “they’re all healthy and looking forward to coming to stay with you on Wednesday, thanks for asking”.

That way you’ve thanked him, just as you would a small child for doing something that you want them too and you’ve reiterated in text that they are coming to stay.

Yeah I was thinking how I could drop Wednesday into the reply when I do eventually message him back.

No, I certainly won’t be mentioning me feeling like a referee this weekend 🤣 it will be his perfect excuse to run for the hills.

Agree, OP. To use a cricket analogy, right from the start of realising now-XH was not on my side or the DC’s side, I ‘played a straight bat’. No emotion from me, purely factual. If that means I just don’t reply for a while until I’m in control again, so be it. Twattoo has taken - what? - a week to enquire after his own children? He can wait until you’re ready.

This plus his callousness towards the kids which is obviously hurting you as well.

If he is in the habit of coming back early and it doesn’t suit you, be out until it’s time for him to be there.

Yes, I’d just keep it factual. They are healthy, they talk about you a lot and are looking forward to seeing you on Wednesday. That way he knows they’ve missed him. It might even make he conscience kick in a bit.

Hi op you could reply ask them yourself on Wednesday when I drop them off. He doesn’t deserve your kindness. Especially since he hasn’t even tried to touch base with them.

No, I think that's too passive-aggressive and will only serve to increase the toxicity of the whole thing. It could even be used as evidence of hostility from @mummy917 .in future mediation/court hearings.

The earlier, more neutral version sounds right: just “Yes they’re all fine and looking forward to coming to stay with you on Wednesday, thanks” or similar. Polite, adult and neutral.

Op there is nothing wrong with you crying it’s grief you lost a life you thought you had for as long as you both lived. Let the tears out there is a lot to process in grief also your twat dh has just basically decided he’s not a father since last Sunday afternoon that is a lot for the kids who then need you even more to be there for them. He might have a woman with kids who go to there dad so he is with her on them days it could be why his 3 precious days off are important to him. You’re doing amazing op.

Definitely agree that he can wait until you’re ready to reply too. I don’t know if I mentioned this on your last thread but I have a DF and everytime her EXH contacts her she immediately answers. Most of it is just accusations and instead of ignoring and only answering questions about the DC she replies immediately. When people say “fighting your corner” this is exactly how she appears that she’s under threat and trying to fight back.

I do have sympathy, he’s a proper arsehole but it does get a bit tedious if your out with her and she spends a large amount of time texting him.

Her DFs have talked to her many times about taking time to reply, that him testing isn’t an emergency, that you can and should ignore accusations but she just can’t seem to stop and you can see the damage it’s doing to her.

I don’t think it’s passive aggressive it’s ask them yourself then if older ones say we tried to contact you but you never answered it might hit him harder. if op say this he will say she’s trying to control him also any court or mediation will see he’s a waste of space if it wasn’t for op the kids wouldn’t even had a bed in his place. There is no toxicity from op she devastated by this and his no contact makes it harder for the kids which affects their home life.

It may be that going away on your own this weekend is a bit early days? Are you ready to be in a strange place with only your feelings for company? I'd be wanting to keep busy in a familiar place while my head was still all over the place (and with a familiar bed to crawl into if necessary!). We are all different though, you know you!💐

As you decide how to answer be very careful with respect to time and content. Right now you feel upset that he neglects to see or contact them. Lots of PP here think that this text interaction should be used to remind him of this fault (whether subtly or directly).

This isn’t really about that. He is following his own path and basically for him this is pro forma or spontaneous (maybe someone or something reminded him of the fact he is a father.)

Your return text should be neither slow nor fast and utterly neutral. You don’t want to set a precedent that you must respond instantly, because if you do then he can use these texts as an instrument of control. On the other hand if you make him wait a long time then he can and will retaliate when the children are in his care. This will be very agitating for you because you care more and miss them more.

If I may throw my opinion in I would respond within the hour (if the text came at a reasonable time) very neutrally and factually “Kids are fine. Looking forward to seeing you Wednesday at 6:30 am.” No “thanks for asking” or other extra softeners.