Husband said he wants to spilt up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 3

[mummy917]

Just another follow on thread from the last 2 😊

"He picked them up here on the Friday just after 11am and they were back at home by 2:25 on the Sunday afternoon"

Your son was back earlier on the Sunday though wasn't he so you are being very generous with the above! Agree with PP pointing out 2 days in 14 is not 50/50.

Oh, please do not get him a phone. You're approaching this as a nice parent wanting to do what is best for her child. He won't be.

The worst thing I did was get my kids phones, the ExH used the phones to undermine my parenting, spy on me and gave him the opportunity to contact them when it wasn't really convenient. You risk the phone becoming another tool for control by your ExH.

Sorry to but in but just on the phone thing. Could you get an e sim, and set it up. It means there can be a children only number but which comes from your phone.

It keeps the safety and all you do is select which line is calling out.

He will save the number as ‘kids’ (example) and it takes away all the stess of phone for son who might be too young.

If he missed and calls back, it displays the number is calling the other line, and you can let the kids answer.

Yes my son was home by half 8 on the Sunday morning as he had a cricket game and he dropped the others back off at 2:25 even though it was meant to be 3pm. I know that sounds pedantic, but there was no reason why he couldn’t have spent that extra half an hour with them.

I hadn’t heard of an e sim until I saw your post and that’s something to think about. I ideally didn’t want him to have a phone of his own yet, because he is only 9. I don’t think I’ve questioned as much about my own parenting as I have done since all of this happened. I constantly question if what I am doing/saying is the right thing for the kids and I’m just hoping and praying it is.

Yes I agree with this poster.

I also think that its just another way OP is still trying to reduce her anxiety about the effect of Ex’s choices on the children. If he wants to see/talk to the children he will. If he doesn’t he won’t. Don’t try to fix this or work around it for your little boy because—perhaps counterintuitively—it too will backfire. He is no more likely to answer when it is your little boy calling from his own number than now. If that were the issue he would give him a phone directly or he could ask you to text and ket him know “little bobby wants to talk would now be convenient?” I mean this isn’t rocket science or dealing with an alien civilization. If your Ex wants contact he will facilitate it.

Having said that how will it make your ds feel having this useless life line to tug on? The ability to call dad—without the likelihood that the father responds appropriately—is likely to be quite damaging in the ling run. This is what posters mean by not making excuses for ex or setting up situations in which the children get excited snd then disapponted. In psychological terms if you give your son the phone as s tool of contact and he initiates contact but gets ignored that’s bad (disappointing) but if he initiates contact and sometimes he gets a bad response and occasionally a good one he is getting “intermittent reinforcement” . The reason why intermittent reinforcement is bad is that any child eill try to guess why sometimes ggey get the goid dad who pucks up the phone snd sometimes they get bad dad who ignores them. He is quite likely to waste a lot of emotional energy trying to create a perfect child for dad who never gets ignored. But he isn’t in control of contact: the father is. So he will end up blaming himself for not figuring out how to please dad enough to get dad to return his calls. Its what kids do (and women in abusive relationships).

I think its better to treat your ex like he doesn’t think about the children when he’s not seeing them. And support your children in dealing with their dad primarily when he’s is present. Any expectations that he cares to see them or phone them in between “his” times should be discouraged (in a kindly way.) this is for their sake. Help them have low to no expectations. In the long run that is best.

@mummy917…you might be questioning yourself but fwiw from what I can tell, you’re doing an amazingly good job of navigating all of this. Keep trusting your instincts, taking your time and putting your kids first - just make sure you are looking after yourself too. 💐

Sorry for all the typos! Too late to edit.☹️

The fact that you are questioning your parenting at all proves that you are a better parent than him.

Only good parents are constantly looking over their own shoulder (iykwim) to make sure that they are getting things right. The shit ones dont think about the kids at all and just do what they want.....who does that sound like?

You have not been found wanting and I suspect never will be, he on the other hand, well time will tell how that plays out with the kids as they grow and start to understand more.

Thank you all again for your wisdom and great advice regarding the phone. It doesn’t sit well with me to be honest and his non existent communication over the weekend while he knows they’re all off school and nursery, speaks volumes. I very much doubt it would make any difference if my eldest had a phone, had an e sim or anything else, because the communication from him just wouldn’t be there. There are times where I feel like I’m handling it well and then times like this weekend where I honestly feel like I’m walking round with my eyes shut.

You're only human and are being so strong for your kids whilst battling so much under the surface, give yourself some grace!

You're doing amazingly, and of course you're going to have great adrenalin-fuelled peaks of 'sod you' and deep, grieving troughs. It's been one duff move after another by the Twatress, and in time they'll stack so heavily (can't even give his kids that last 35 minutes!!) you'll step lightly over the sadness for the person you thought he was.

Loving the newest nickname of Twattress 🤣 you ladies never fail!

I know I do need to give myself some grace and I know these ups and downs will continue to happen, but its definitely true when people have said it’s one of the hardest things they’ve ever had to navigate.

I’m going into work tomorrow for a few hours to sort out a flexible working application for when I return next month, so I’m feeling apprehensive about that too. So much change in such a short space of time.

You’ve had so much to contend with in such a small amount of time, your whole life has been turned upside down. It’s incredibly shitty he hasn’t been in touch to touch base with the kids, but your children are observant and will pick up on that, your son especially. Hopefully when he sees him next he’ll ask him why he never answered or rung him back.

I still think the reason he’s gone MIA completely is because he’s sulking you filed for divorce and he’s punishing you.

Going back to work is a big step, I hope they’ll be accommodating and you’ll get hours which will work for you.

Will you have to see him on Wednesday or can you work it so he picks up from school/nursery and you can avoid face to face contact?

My eldest is very forthcoming and won’t think twice about just asking him straight which I think is what my ex needs really; something like that to catch him completely off guard so he can’t lie or manipulate his way out of it.

I’ve had for the first time throughout all of this, the gut feeling that he’s got someone else and that’s what he’s been dedicating his time to, more so over the last week I’ve had this feeling. Although part of it could absolutely that he’s punishing me, even though this is what he wanted so surely I’m making his life easier?

On Wednesday I am taking the kids to his for 6:30am; it’s a trial of how it will go when I’m back to work and this will become the norm if I’m on days. It also means he can do the school and nursery runs which he also needs more experience in.

It’s weird he was so upset at you filing for divorce, especially if he has someone else, logically it doesn’t make sense. However with Twattoo god knows how his mind works now.

If he has met someone, whilst it will be extremely hard for you initially, I hope in time it will help you move on. It will also help validate what you already know which is that none of this was ever about you, you have behaved with grace throughout, it’s just him and his twattooish midlife crisis.

Not a judging question but why are you dropping your children off at his home? What would you
do if he wasn’t there?

If he has someone else, we don't know what back story he has given them. In his view, it's probably great if he's the one doing the divorcing because then his character is unstained as it were because "it wasn't my fault".

BUT, if @mummy917 suddenly starts shifting the blame the other way by starting the divorce, his stance of "it wasn't my fault" is blasted apart...

If that was the case he could easily still lie though and say he started the divorce, it’s not like they are likely to find out who really filed. Also if there is someone else I would have thought he would have removed his ring straight away, whereas he was still wearing it a week later after moving out. He’s not coming across as the brightest, so I doubt he would think to put it back on again around the children.

@mummy917 i really hope your son does call him out for the phone call situation as he deserves to be shamed.

What comes across loud and clear is his attitude.
He's not thinking.. I must maximise every second of the time I can get with my children.

He's thinking.. how can I wangle it so that I can shave half an hour off the time I do this job.. yet still clock in for the full day.

It comes across as if he actually resents every second of parenting because its not really his job, its yours and he sees it as helping you out and begrudges that so he wants to claw back every second as he sees it as having to unwillingly give away his "free" time.

Great attitude for a father to have. Entirely selfish and self absorbed

@mummy917

I’ve had for the first time throughout all of this, the gut feeling that he’s got someone else...

I've always said 'trust your gut'. It would explain a lot, wouldn't it? IMHO, if you aren't now, in a few months you'll be thanking her for taking him off your hands.

Although part of it could absolutely that he’s punishing me, even though this is what he wanted so surely I’m making his life easier?

There's also the fact that you've 'blunted a weapon' that he may have been planning to use. He may have thought he could hold the 'threat' (or promise) of a divorce over your head and that he could use it to make you 'compliant'. He now knows that in reality, he has no weapons at all.

On Wednesday I am taking the kids to his for 6:30am;

Good luck, I hope it goes well. I'm predicting a phone call on Tuesday evening saying that he 'can't' do the school run for some bogus reason.

I wouldn’t be surprised, but the op should say you will have to work something out, this is your parenting time, I’ll see you tomorrow. And hang up.

I don’t know where this gut feeling has came from or why, but it’s something I’ve been unable to shake this last week. Yes she will need all the luck she can get, although I know what he’ll be like when it’s the start of the relationship. It’ll be down the line where she needs the luck if she tries to challenge him on anything. She’ll be the controlling one.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuffNo sadly he doesn’t seem to be thinking how he can maximise the time he gets with the kids, it does feel like he’s looking for any reason possible to cut it down where he can. I did wonder if he was staying up for the England match/going in late for work. However regardless of what he’s doing, he’s not used any of his time to see how the kids are. His loss.

@BeeCucumberI am doing drop off as I will be doing this weekly when I return to work next month (that’s the plan anyway) so I want the kids to get used to it and his new house is on my way to work so it makes sense. If he isn’t there or drops us in it for whatever reason, then that’s another obstacle to deal with. I’m returning to work in August regardless, so if he lets us down then I still have a good few weeks to figure out something else.

Yeah he could still just lie about who filed for the divorce, there’s no way any woman would find out otherwise.

@AcrossthePond55I will never know if there’s an ulterior motive or reason he said he wanted a divorce, I have taken him purely at face value so this is now what’s happening. If in the process I’ve taken away some of the control he thought he still had over me, then so be it. There We Are Then.

I woke up early, ended up watching the second half of the football. And read your last post and honestly I cannot believe the way some men conduct themselves.
Fair enough if a relationship ends and both people are mutual about it and work things through.
But this man is appalling, he’s literally abandoned his children. OP you are a fantastic mum and thank goodness these beautiful kids have you.
Like you say if there is someone else around good luck to her.
I often feel in these situations even though the woman gets the shitty end of the stick, she has to sit in her feelings, grieve, and then over time learns and moves on.
The man learns zero. He often jumped to a new person and has learned nothing. He takes all of his baggage and it seeps out. He tries to ‘re-do’ things but with no reflection, repeats behaviours.
One of my friends has just had the strength to leave and she is the third wife. And he says how dare you, no woman has ever left me. He is in his 60’s, and is behaving the same way he has all of his life. His adult children do love him but their mum comes first at all times. He’s sort of an acquaintance to them now but he stopped being a ‘dad’ decades ago. Wife number one was left with four kids and she brought them up.
These children will never lack for love and care. They have all they need in their mum.

Hi OP. I've been following your thread but I've never commented until now. I seldom post on MN and rarely follow threads. Yours is special.

Like many other posters have said I think you are a great mom. But being a great mom and having the emotional maturity, pragmatism and clear thinking after just 3 months after There You Are Then dropped the bombsell on your marriage, is to be admired. I have a good friend like you, her husband asked for a divorce out of the blue, and she put her mommy battle shoes on, focussed on her life and her children without the noise from her ex.

Don't worry too much about whether he has an OW or not. People generally don't change unless they aknowledge their shortcoming and take steps to correct them. Your ex is a twat. You've now seen him for he is and he'll be the same man in a new relationship. Suddenly knowing there is an OW is not going to change how you see him now.

I don't think 50/50 will work. He doesn't have the love, committment and strong bond to his kids for it to work. He wants to minimise the financial burden owed to his children without the personal love and committment that is essential in a 50/50 custody arrangement. Keep a diary of your concerns and put your bitch boots on for the standard 2 weekends a month, one weekly day a week when you see each other in mediation. Your ex is not interested in his kids to grant him 50/50.

You are doing exceptionally well.

No parent who goes over a week without even asking how their young children are, after they have recently gone through a huge emotional change will cope or want 50/50 care of said children. Very quickly he will drop his availability, probably down to every other weekend, or less. This man just does not care. It will quickly become obvious to the children too that he just does not care. You are lucky your son is a straight talker and will call him out on his bullshit. It obviously won’t shame him as at this stage I think he’s incapable of shame, however it will make him feel uncomfortable whilst he’s being questioned.