Husband said he wants to spilt up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 3

[mummy917]

Just another follow on thread from the last 2 😊

I hope she doesn’t just take on the load for him. She will be firm with him and tell him as she won’t stand for being walked all over either. Maybe she’ll be called controlling by him at some point? Who knows? Don’t get me wrong, she loves the kids, but the apple doesn’t fall far from that tree as she’s also quite a self-centred person. I’ve spoken to her many times over the last 9 and a half years about her making minimal effort with the kids and not having that relationship with them, but around 4 years ago I took it for what it was and that it was her loss if she didn’t wish to dedicate time to them.

I have absolutely taken on board what you have all said about personal experience of women covering for their exes and I definitely won’t be making the mistake again. At the heart of all of this, I want my children to know and feel they can trust me to always be honest with them, so there’ll be no more thinking I’m protecting them by covering for his failings. I’ll explain things to them she appropriately.

Like many I’m sure, i’ve been following this… so impressed by you & the amazing mn community.
can you keep all of this securely somewhere. Depending how things pan out, when the children are much older (adult) it might be good to show them just how hard you worked & tried for them to keep a connection with their dad?
keep going op, strength & love💐

For years i made apologies for my ex but eventually realised it was doing nobody any favours, I decided to be straight with the children (teens).

I never bad-mouthed him but was truthful. I do wish I had been straight with them all along.

OP it sounds as if he will never do 50:50 long term. It will fizzle out.

I feel really sad this morning. I think at some point I honestly thought that my husband would realise how he’d treated us and would go back to the man I married. I have unfortunately gotten upset in front of the kids and when they asked why, I was honest and said I missed their dad. It’s not a lie, I miss who he was even 6 months ago. I don’t know if these feelings are surfacing because I filed for the divorce the other day or what. It feels as though everything is getting harder, not easier.

Keep your eyes on the prize @mummy917

You are doing so well but this is hard. You are getting closer to having your own life as you want it with your children, free from the man your DH has become.

It's natural to feel these ups and downs, @mummy917 , be kind to yourself. You're absolutely smashing this, such a strong woman and amazing mum and role model for your kids x

@mummy917
Honestly, I don't think that feeling ever goes away entirely BUT it does get easier to ignore. I was married for 30 years, together longer and he left us for the OW in 2018. He did everything he could not to be fair and I was much more gullible than you and ended up with a very poor financial settlement because I delayed going for a divorce!
2 out of 3 (now adult) children have nothing to do with him, he has missed graduations and is not invited to my eldest's wedding this year. He continues to gaslight the one daughter who still has contact....
And yet - I still sometimes feel immense sadness that he isn't who he was back then.
So I recall some of his more offensive behavior and regain my balance but now, thanks to you, I also round it off with an emphatic and There We Are Then! 😁

You miss what he was and what you had @mummy917 , that’s totally normal - you don’t need what he has shown himself to be now.

big hug x

You are an amazing woman. Truly amazing. You have great clarity, vision and organisation, as well as being dedicated and lovely mum.

You're getting lots of incredible advice, anecdotes, perspectives and support from here. You're smart enough to assimilate, take what you need from MN, add it to your own experience, add some logic and sound judgement and make a decision. I imagine that you're incredible at your job.

It's clear that mumsnet has been a lifeline of support and for every one poster giving you advice on your threads, there are ten others, like me, silently reading, in awe of your courage, fortitude and your joy in your children. We check in on you over our morning coffee, work breaks (what are they?) and half time in the footie.

Remember though, you do not owe MN anything. Do not feel that you have to answer to MN, report back to us, follow our advice, change your mind, make decisions more quickly, or justify what you are doing to us. You're doing amazing. Keep following your own counsel, that of your solicitor, what your children need and go at your own pace.

Big hugs, you are doing so well. It’s completely natural that you are still grieving. Well done for being honest with the children. It’s good for them to know you are finding it hard too, it will help them feel that their feelings are natural and they might feel more willing to open up to you too.

You are doing amazingly well. There's absolutely no shame in getting upset in front of the kids and saying that you are feeling sad. It will help them in the long run.
I found that once the initial rush had happened, my ex had left, and I was seeing life for what it was now - exactly how little he would be in touch, what I was expected to do and watching the impact on the kids I grieved for all of us. I shared with the kids (mine were older 12 and 9 at the time) that I was sad for the way things had turned out but that I was also looking forward to shaping our future as a family of three. It led to some discussions about holidays and day trips we wanted to do which I could then put into action.
Allow yourself the time to just feel it today.
Sending hugs.

Buy yourself a diary. And keep a note of every time he makes contact, either by phone or in person. That way, you have an ongoing record of his lack of effort. It may prove handy if it comes to going to court and he insists on 50/50 so he doesn't have to give you any money.

My parents split when I was 13, and my Dad made zero effort. Mum kept telling us over and over that it was the OW, this wasn't him etc. But the truth was he had other priorities, and funnily enough I have really good memories of all those years with just my Mum and sister. It didn't destroy my childhood, because Mum stepped up when Dad stepped out. When your kids need safety and reassurance, it won't be him they turn to. So don't make excuses for his actions. They deserve better than you covering for him.

It's totally normal and ok to feel in a funk. You're grieving so many layers - the husband you once had, the change in family structure, and the new (awful) reality of twattoo.

A friend of mine was tech savvy and created a spreadsheet of the times her ex bothered to contact the children, colour coded and everything: contact, no contact when he said he would, no contact at all. It was pretty damning.

Well said, I’m a passive admirer too 🥰

This.

And this.

You are brave and you are grieving. You are showing your children a perfectly normal reaction to loss, it doesn't always come in the way of death. It is actually good modeling for your children to see you handle upset sometimes, it will allow them to feel it's okay for them to show it too.
It's not like your leaning on them for support or they are having to step up as adults because your emotionally overwhelmed or anything so please don't worry.
As an aside if you'd rather your DS doesn't have a phone yet, my DC use Zoom to do video calls instead on a tablet. Plus you can then 'book' a time so he has to call, and there's no involved from you to be blamed for in any way (He may say mum rejected my calls or something)

Thank you everyone, I expected further wobbles but didn’t think I’d have another that felt like that this morning where I felt as though I was still pining for that version of him.

No, I’ve not been leaning on my children, I mean my eldest 2 have given me a cuddle but they understand I also feel upset at everything that’s happened.

I haven’t given much more thought to the phone thing, it’s also showing at this point that it would be a complete waste of money anyway if it was what we decided to do. I think we will just leave things as they are for the foreseeable.

I think that TWAT is only thinking of contact during his 50/50, so there won't be any phone calls/facetiming.

and we are all just waiting on the 50/50 decreasing by the week/month.

He has been gone 2 weeks and one day ? and has had all the children for one 3 day weekend, but not actually 72 hours ?

Yeah he left two weeks yesterday technically, but actually stayed out on the Friday night which was meant to be his last night at home with the kids and picked them up last Friday and brought them back last Sunday. The week in between him moving out and then having them, he only FaceTimed once and missed the 2nd FaceTime call my son made and then replied to me at 1am apologising for missing it.

No he didn’t have them a full 72 hours. He picked them up here on the Friday just after 11am and they were back at home by 2:25 on the Sunday afternoon.

“You’ve had the kids two days out of 14. This isn’t fifty fifty’. Just to have written evidence.

Print off and save these threads for them in years to come, OP.

@mummy917

At this point all emotions are valid. You're going to have high highs and low lows. But I'd caution against saying anything specific about missing Twatoo or missing 'the man he was' to the DC. You can be sad that you and Twatoo 'couldn't get along anymore' but not that you're missing him. You don't want anything like that to get back to him via them and children often say things in all innocence. It will feed his ego to think you miss him and make him think he has an 'emotional hold' over you. This might make him a bit more stubborn when it comes to negotiations, thinking that your emotions will make you 'cave' if he just holds out.

I'd also keep quiet about how often he has the DC and just keep your record of the time he does have them. If you find his mum is doing the lion's share, record that too. He's not completely stupid, he knows he isn't having them 50/50, he just doesn't care. For him 50/50 is all about 'on paper' so he doesn't have to pay maintenance. He has no real intention of having them half the time and he knows that, if it's so ordered, you'd have to go back to court (and pay for that) to get it changed. Where he is being stupid is that he isn't sticking to 50/50 right now. If he had half a brain he'd do 50/50 to 'build his case' for the court orders. So don't remind him he's not. Remember, by being quiet hopefully you'll be giving him the rope with which to hang himself.

You are doing great! Remember this is a marathon, not a sprint. Deep breaths and you have time to consider your moves slowly and carefully.

When I split from my husband many years ago, a wise friend who had already been through a divorce told me it was like he had died and you grieve but there's no body and no funeral. She had a very good point and I think you're likely to also find this.
You're missing/grieving for the man you fell in love with, and for the shattered dreams. With children you're also grieving that they won't have the parent they deserve to have.
Be gentle with yourself and remember that he is now on the other side. Don't let your guard down with anyone from his family. Keep making the notes of what happens or doesn't happen, so you have your ammunition for court if you need it.

Just a point about the phone - if your DC have a phone it means they can still contact you when they’re with him, which might be important.

If you promise to FT them to say goodnight but he doesn’t pick up the call or claims you never called, your DC are the ones who will be upset.

I get all the concerns, but in your position I think I’d get the eldest a phone. Also, if things ever turn really nasty, you can always track the phone. I’m sure it won’t ever come to that but I always like to prepare for the worst.