Husband said he wants to spilt up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 3

[mummy917]

Just another follow on thread from the last 2 😊

I don’t have much to add but I’m sat here thinking of your STBXH walking around, thinking how clever he thinks he is having freetime, not seeing his DC and when he does getting his DM to do the heavy lifting and not paying maintenance either and not knowing that a large number of MNers know him as Twatoo, which is of course the perfect name for him

Everything you have all said I’ve taken on board and will be factual without covering up for him or speaking negatively about him. When he does see the kids, I always want them to enjoy it and have a good time with him. I always make excited chatter with them about what they’ve gotten up to and respond like it’s absolutely amazing no matter what they’ve done!

It’s Saturday tea time now and they’ve heard nothing from him, however they also haven’t asked to ring him or anything yet. The twins go to bed in an hour and I doubt he will FaceTime. It’s very much out of sight, out of mind.

It's so hard isn't it to balance so you validate their feelings, don't cover for him, and don't slate him etc.

My mum used to just be honest and say "I'm not sure, maybe you can ask your dad why?" It was said in a kind and wondering voice. For example I remember being sat waiting for him, and looking out the window ages after he was meant to have turned up.

I agree so much that it's important they just feel loved and supported and know that their dads behaviour isn't a reflection on them. I wish my mum had pointed that out to me as a child. It didn't occur to me and I just internalised that his behaviour was linked to my worth.

OP you are still doing great.

It's normal to feel sad at times and to let any waves of feelings be processed and experienced. They're all part of it and you WILL get through all of the stages.

It’s really hard to try and make sure you do everything right so it doesn’t mess them up in some way either now or in the future 😩 I continue to remind them daily how loved they are by me and I made a big big fuss when they came home from their dad’s on Sunday as I was so excited to have them back home.

I will do everything in my power to make sure the kids know that the way he behaves is no bearing on them at all, or their responsibility. I still shake my head at times as I can’t believe this is where we are at.

You are consistent and reliable, you don’t join in his games and messing about. You’re doing everything right!
Your children will be ok, OP, and so will you. You’ve totally got this covered.

Don’t let worrying about worst case scenarios steal your energy for enjoying each day with them. And it’s ok to make mistakes. We all do. You are still, and you always will be, enough. They will always know they are your priority.

**
I agree so much that it's important they just feel loved and supported and know that their dad’s behaviour isn't a reflection on them. I wish my mum had pointed that out to me as a child. It didn't occur to me and I just internalised that his behaviour was linked to my worth.
OP you are still doing great.

Yes I agree with this. It’s not as hard as you think. Just be factual really.
My DD (now 18) shrugs and openly says about his intermittent contact :
“ I know it’s to do with him and nothing to do with me”
My older DD gets a bit cross with her friends who fuss about their parents divorces. She says to them, it’s no big deal. She says she knows it’s his internal issues snd that as I’ve had the Mum and Dad roles, it’s all been fine.

It’s so reassuring hearing all of your own personal experiences around this. Probably sounds a bit over the top, but I couldn’t help but worry that this will break the oldest 2 especially, even though people kept telling me how resilient kids are, it still makes me protective.

I really hope my kids feel the same about me as you do about your mum xx

Lol at him wanting 50% care ! That isn't just in time spent physically with them it's about engagement with them for 50% of their time . He's failed at that .

The kids didn’t get a phone call or anything and I’ve had no contact from him today for him even asking how they are or to arrange any times etc on Wednesday. I didn’t expect anything other but it still stings. I think it’s something I’ll no doubt get used to in time.

You will, as sadly your expectations will drop.

You expect him to feel the same as you do about the kids. To you they come first in all things, to him HE comes first in all things. This is why those of us who have been through it are not expecting him to keep up on the 50/50 thing, once he realises the reality of it.

And you know the irony? In ten years when he barely knows them and they have no interest in him, he won't understand why and will probably latch on to the idea that you must have alienated them from him. We all know that it is never his fault.......

ETA something pertinent. DD is 15 and doing her work experience the week after next. Now ex did set that up as his friend is a business owner who kindly agreed to have her there, but he lives (literally) around the corner from the business. She and I live on the other side of town and a) I work and b) my car is playing up, so I suggested she stay at his for the week. No, not possible as he has work. So do I! He just doesnt want to give up his free evenings for his DD more than the ONE WEEK a year he has for more than EOW. So I have messaged and said that he needs to send me his half of her uber costs as there is no bus service that that drops near there and she doesnt know the area. No reply.

They dont get better. But DD knows she can rely on me and has said so.

Op he’s just a selfish twat not even checking in on them, he has form for this when he used to stay out and not contact them then. I think when he takes the kids on Wednesday you ask him how this 50/50 is going to work out does he mean he will see them 50/50 but not have any contact with them in between. That way when the kids ask about him you can say daddy will see you all next time he comes to get you.

Absolutely. I’ve already thought to myself that I’ll somehow get the blame for whatever happens in the future where the kids are concerned because no, he couldn’t possibly be accountable for anything.

I will have that conversation with him both in person and via text to ask if he just plans on dropping off the face of the earth in between actually having them. He’ll probably act like I’m being dramatic no doubt.

And controlling.....

Ha ha yes, how could we forget the main one 🤣

I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t even turn up on Wednesday.

Have you heard from him at all since he rang you to ask why you’d filed for divorce? If not, I wonder if this is his way of punishing you and trying to bring you back into line.

No I haven’t. I messaged him yesterday to say I’d paid for the divorce after he filled in the bits he needed to do on his end on Thursday night and I got no reply to that either, not even sure if he’s read it. I wouldn’t be surprised either if he doesn’t stick to his word on Wednesday, although I think he’s more likely to as he’s got his mum’s help while he’s at work, so all he will have to do when he comes home is make tea, bath and do bedtimes. Although I do wonder if his mum will stay to help with that too.

I imagine his ego is hurt and he’s sulking.

Do you think his Mum will be prepared to so actively help with the childcare each week long term? It’s a lot for her to take on. Do you know how much she helped last weekend when the kids stayed with him?

Yeah I can't help wondering if she thought she would help out for a couple of weeks until he gets on his feet, but he has taken that to mean that he now has a substitute House Fairy.

@mummy917 do you think that your MIL would feel guilted into basically doing it all?

Knowing her for the last 13 years, she will be like the fairy godmother at first but the novelty will wear off when she realises this is something he will be expecting from her, week in, week out. It is a lot for her to take on, I agree, but she is very much a “this is my time now” type of grandparent so I do think she’ll maybe help for a few months tops and will get bored.

I am guessing that that may coincide with him doing even less with the kids then.

Well he’s screwed then isn’t he?! He’s going to hate having to pay extra nursery fees and for after school clubs on his days. I just can’t see him actually going 50/50 when it comes to it, he isn’t going to be able to cope. Also someone who is quite happy to ignore their children for a week, isn’t going to step up and do 50/50 physical childcare. The really sad thing is I imagine he’s dreading Wednesday, whereas I’m guessing the kids are looking forward to seeing him.

He’s probably hoping he can line up a new woman to take over from his mum. But I highly doubt any new woman would take on the grunt work of four kids.

I have friends that were in your position and they all made the mistake of trying to cover for their ex's failures
Now as adults these vile men are rewriting history and guess who are the villains! When they tried to set the record straight it didn't go well. The general attitude was that if she were telling the truth they'd have been told at the time. If they had their time again they say they'd tell the DC that df loved them as much as he was capable but that overall he would always put himself first. It's just his nature and no reflection on them. Also they would leave a "paper trail". Eg Please don't make promises you don't keep. The children were looking forward to ....
.They were sad you didn't come on .. I know you really wanted ....
but it meant there was no money for ..... Etc etc. Polite. Pointed. And years down the line when the slime ball insists he paid for everything, wanted to see the kids but you wouldn't let him, you'll have the mountains of proof. One of my friend's daughters came to see me very upset .She said she didn't know what to believe. She actually thought that if it was as her mum said she would have known. Of course her poor mum has been slaving away carrying the load on her own for years and believing she was doing the right thing presenting her dh in a kind light. Soul destroying. I wish you well and your DC are.lucky to have such a selfless, devoted mother. And he may turn out to be a fair father. But just in case have all the texts and emails on record they are proof in the way phone calls aren't9k

She’ll get bored iyo.
She’ll guard her ‘me time’ iyo.
Ime she’ll run out of energy. 43 years on, it can be knackering.
She won’t tolerate his treatment of her if he treats her the way he does you. You said he doesn’t have a close relationship with her.
She’ll suss he hasn’t grown up.
She’ll become resentful of taking on his role.
A gf so enamoured with him she’ll step up? I’m another who doubts this.
He’s living day to day without a plan. The buffoon. He is a buffoon, regardless of his marriage, as he’s discarding the joy of fatherhood. He's in Last Chance Saloon with his mother. He’s having a detrimental effect on three generations. I’m tempted to say There We Are Then but really he’s in self destruct.

And he knows it. If he had any doubt the divorce application told him in black and white.

Stay strong.