Husband said he wants to spilt up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 3

[mummy917]

Just another follow on thread from the last 2 😊

Glad that you’re consulting your Solicitor again regarding the Financial Arragement. If you try and do this yourself you would be very vulnerable.

DSIL managed to make sure her ExH had the shitty family car that we were all convinced he had tagged and buy herself a nice, nearly new car instead.

Sorry I seemed to have missed your update about the photos. I hope you’ve found the crying a little cathartic. Like others have said it’s perfectly natural to have some grief over the life you had expected and upset at the utter TWAT he is being now.

Putting aside the things he didn’t prioritise buying for his new house, when they’re with him they’re not neglected. They’re well fed, have clean clothes and are bathed regularly, have their teeth cleaned etc. They have a comfortable home there from the few photos and FaceTimes I’ve had with them while they’ve been with him and they have toys to play with and books to read.

My anxiety comes from how they’ll settle after not seeing/speaking to him for that amount of time and feeling like I won’t want to send them if they do ask to stay at home. They’ll of course be excited to see him, but my 4 year old daughter is the least resilient I’d say, and she’s the one I have the biggest worries about.

I have emailed my solicitor today so probably won’t hear anything until early/midweek next week.

Cooking is always good. For one thing you can (hopefully 😋) eat the fruit of your labour!

I would also highly recommend painting abstract expressionist works of art messing around with acrylics. It’s something you can do with your kids. Not only is it a lot of fun but you never know……. You could be the next Joan Mitchell… 😎

Personally at their age I think going 10 days without even FaceTiming is too long for little children. Especially given the upheaval they’ve just been through. I realise long term FaceTiming daily isn’t realistic or even necessarily right, however at the moment whilst they are adjusting and settling they need both parents (not just OP) to put them first and check in with them regularly. They need that stability and gentle reassurance. They are bound to still have questions and need extra support.

Glad that you’re consulting your Solicitor again regarding the Financial Arrangement. If you try and do this yourself you would be very vulnerable.

I agree. Especially regarding vulnerability.

Always remember: knowledge is power. And if you don’t have the knowledge - and may not even know what knowledge you are lacking!! - it’s a good idea to purchase knowledge that is tailored to your specific situation.

Yes I agree with this 100%! It is so much to expect from them and for them to get their heads around. My biggest fear in all of this is that they are affected by this for years to come or in years to come, and I want to minimise that as much as possible every single day.

They are very lucky to have you, it’s very obvious from all your posts that every move you make is with the children’s needs at the forefront of your mind. You are putting them first.

Has he said why he hasn’t FaceTimed them or spoken to them? I do think this is a conversation that’s going to have to be tackled at some point, however much you loath to speak to him because the lack of contact will affect the children. I remember how upset your son was last week over the lack of contact and this time it’s been longer. For your own sanity and for the children’s sakes, I think you are going to have to suck it up and address it in an as un confrontational manner as possible. However much you want to point out he he’s being an ass, it’s not going to have the desired affect. Maybe just explain that the children miss seeing and talking to him, that they are little and don’t completely understand and would he consider putting a FaceTime schedule in place to enable regular contact, at least in the short term to help them adjust.

Thank you 🥹

My eldest has asked to ring/FaceTime him which I’ve obviously agreed to and he’s not answered but then text to say he was busy doing this or that and would ring them later, however thankfully I didn’t tell my son this incase he didn’t keep to his word. My son has only asked once and I’ve sat with him and made sure he was okay after his dad didn’t answer and he seemed to understand that people can’t always answer their phones. I know it may come across that I’m protecting my ex, but all I’m trying to do is keep the hurt and damage to the kids to a minimum, especially while they’re all still so young.

I will be having a conversation with him about his lack of effort and communication with the kids, I’m planning on doing it Sunday night once they’re all in bed and asleep. I won’t be confrontational, even though at times I’d like to be, I know it would not resolve anything. All I can do is keep trying and I will explain that they miss him, because they absolutely do.

So, from his perspective - and this isn’t an excuse (well maybe it is)- he’s not realised/noticed how long the gap is. You know when one person busy and preoccupied with something, and another is waiting for them to finish? The one who’s waiting always feels the time longer. The one who went to do something feels like they were quite quick.

He hasn’t realised that they’ve been waiting ages.

I honestly don’t know how to point that out to him without giving him the opportunity to call you controlling.

Maybe you could message and say, ‘I wonder if they’ll enjoy themselves and settle better if you face time them beforehand and show them around again. They are only little and it’s a big gap for them to remember everything you, you twatto!.

Yes, in this instance I think being non confrontational is going to get you better results for the kids unfortunately. He seems to go off the deep end at even the slightest hint of what he perceives to be you being controlling, so you are just going to have to suck it up for the kids. It’s not fair and I know it’s going to take everything you’ve got not to lose it at him at his selfishness but that’s not going to get the results the kids need. In this instance kill him with kindness whilst at the same time secretly thinking what a insecure idiot he is, that he’s so insecure you have treat him like a hormonal teenager.

Just a heads up, if he likes football they are looking to change the kickoff to 7pm on Sunday for the England match so Sunday evening might be a no go, could you do it tomorrow evening instead?

Maybe the way to approach it is not place any blame on his lack of contact, but to play to his ego. Explain the children have been missing him a lot, that they are struggling a bit and ask him if he has time to talk to them, even if it’s just 5 minutes a day. Say you realise he’s busy, but it would help them a lot.

I think I’d be inclined to say ‘I’m not here to criticise your parenting, you’ll have the relationship with our children that you’ll deserve, however I need you to be mindful of the emotional impact of your lack of effort on our children. If you can honestly hand in heart say that you’re doing your best then crack on, however we both know you are falling short. I want you to consider how your children are feeling not having seen or spoken to you for X amount of days’

if he accuses you of being controlling, I would just respond with ‘stop deflecting from your poor choices, this is about the children not me’

Genuinely do not know where I’d be without all of you giving me this amazing advice! I will definitely play to his ego and the response if he calls me controlling yet again, will be exactly what I will say.

Hi op how long has it been since he contacted them? It really is a good job you are a mum who puts them first. Imagine the rejection your ds feels how can he too busy to speak to his kids it’s not like he’s got them a lot. I hope he listens to you about making more of an effort with them especially as it’s the early days for them. I would want to kill him it’s like he’s not a dad when you have them. Knowing your dh could he be thinking your behind the contact to see where and who he is with. Could you get the kids a phone to keep at home for them to contact him so it’s not your number coming up on the screen.

I hope the conversation goes well and he steps up for the kids. Unfortunately whilst your son is mature enough to understand people can be busy and unable to answer their phone, he’s also clued up enough to realise that generally if a call is missed (especially by a parent), that person still calls back as soon as they can. Quite frankly I don’t know how he can live with himself, knowing his son tried to call him and wanted to speak to him and he still hasn’t bothered to call him back.

Running and hiking are good stress reliever hobbies. I'm in a hiking group, which works well as the route and transport is organised and I mix with people who I don't know outside of the group. A few miles yomping through woods or up a fell taking in the surroundings and a bit of chat with fellow walkers pushes whatever else is going on in my life right out of my thoughts. (and then I use the walk to justify pizza or cake afterwards!).

This. When you hit the really low points, remind yourself that those feelings are temporary. And you have many people on here cheering you on and sending their love.

It seems that he really does think that he isnt a dad when he isnt with them, he is Mr Young Free and Single. He doesnt have to think about the kids because it isnt his time with them and thats it. No concerns about them AT ALL, because he knows that @mummy917 will make up for his failings yet again like she always has.

I met my eldest DD in town for a drink earlier (just got back) and fuck me it was depressing. We agreed as we were leaving that although the town centre is equidistant for us, we will alternate between my local and hers going forward. The pubs were full of men like this, all on the pull, all getting knocked back and we overheard more than a couple slagging off their exes (or baby mommas as they called them, when did that become a thing?!) because they were expecting them to step up. DD went for a wee and came back and said there were two guys exchanging tips on how to avoid paying maintenance AND avoid having the kids.

What a bunch of fucking losers. They think that they have won the golden ticket to Shagfest, and I have to admit it was quite funny to see them all failing spectacularly to even get a conversation with the women they tried it on with! Single men outnumbered single women by seven to one at a rough estimate, and the women just wanted to be with their mates!

Agree! @Ifyounevergiveup, thank you for your measured and meaningful response to OP X

💐

This.

It’s OK to cry. Let the grieving process happen.

Big hugs!

And I like the deflection response suggestion from other pp too. There are some very wise and knowledgeable people on here. Sadly, mostly from their own personal experiences, but that’s the best way to learn.

Does he have a problem with object permanence? Literally out of sight out of mind? He really has mentally checked out of parent head, it seems.

The children are all going to handle it differently and at different paces. You are doing amazingly, @mummy917 , you really are.

@mummy917

This sounds like a good idea. It may work with just a change of sim, or account log in or something? You can get an older smart phone fairly cheaply, if it’s just for voice/video calls, that should still work ok.

I have been thinking of getting my eldest a phone since all of this, just to video call his dad. I ideally wanted to wait until he was in secondary school, but it probably would be beneficial if he could ring his dad himself and it was his number coming up, instead of mine. It’s another conversation I will have with their dad.

I did sit with how I felt last night and it passed after an hour or so.

Yes I really would’ve been lost without the people on here who have sadly been through very similar themselves, but the support and advice has been so helpful 😊 it has definitely helped to make me feel less alone too.

I know my son will be feeling it and I’ve told him to just tell me however he feels, I’ll always listen and do what I can to help things.

There is a walking group local to me, it’s definitely something to think about 😊

@mummy917 There is a quite a lot of support out there for children of parents who are separating/divorcing. If you Google it -
quite a bit of information will come up for your area.
Your school should also be able to signpost you to helpful sources/groups. Have a look at Gingerbread with their info to support children.https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/find-information/managing-separation/helping-children-through-separation/