Husband said he wants to spilt up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 3

[mummy917]

Just another follow on thread from the last 2 😊

He is behaving like a spiteful petulant nasty twat and you are well rid of him. He doesnt have the right to object to the divorce process and cant stop you proceeding with it. Hes refusing to communicate via a parenting app..what a stupid twat...if he keeps making excuses as to why he cant do his 50/50 share then put the cms claim in.

A lot of people say, when men like this see the reality of the fabulous fantasy they have built up in their heads...... life of freedom, have the kids half the time so dont have to pay the ex, more money for his wonderful new life, women queueing around the block to shag him...... that it is Karma.

It isnt. It is strong women sticking up two fingers and letting them sink instead of carrying them as they have always had done in the past. These men assumed that their easy life was down to the cleverness, and that their presmoothed path would remain so. Its not karma, its Woman Armour.

Instead of There We Are Then, I suspect the OP’s next phrase might be Be Careful What You Wish For ….

Chef’s kiss for this!

Well done op z

I've mentioned it before, but these arseholes want to walk away easily with no big 'scenes' but then get pissed off when there isn't one and the wronged wife shrugs her shoulders and says "There we are then".

As far as the big emotional 'hit', mine lasted about 3-4 hours of constant ugly, snotty sobbing. It's not like once that was over I had no more pain, just that the pressure had been relieved so I could move forward calmly and with purpose. So your 'dark period' may be only a short time and you'll feel better when it's over.

Being thick...There We Are Then... spells T*at.... what does BCWYWF mean?

Husband - "I'm leaving you, I don't want to be with you any more", moves out.

Wife - (files for divorce)

Husband - 'why did you do that?'.

🤔

Husband - 'do you think you're clever?'
Honestly he sounds like a stupid sneering riled up teenager 'I s'pose you think you're clever'.

The only possible answer is 'Yes. Yes I am clever'.

The slightly longer answer is
'YOU broke up our family.
YOU broke our kids' hearts.
YOU chose to leave.
YOU don't want to be married to me any more.
I don't want to be married to you now either.
I am choosing to expedite our divorce because if I wait for you to be able to afford it, and get around to it, it will be a long wait.'

There We Are Then.

I think just in terms of him wanting out, and OP instigating out, and then him being bothered by it.

Or do you mean to come up with an alternative meaning? 🤔

It’s all so sad. I really wish he wasn’t being so needlessly horrible and awkward. Were there many signs of this in him prior to You two splitting? Or did he change?

I haven't commented on this thread before but have kept myself updated. Two things strike me - how totally supportive all my fellow mumsnetters have been cheering the op on, no stupid derailing, no rubbish suggestions; secondly, how truly amazing the op is being, getting her ducks in order, seeing the future as a positive (if not always an easy) place to be; oh, and there's a thirdly (is that a word?) - the op has returned time and again to create her narrative around suggestions and thoughts, she has taken it all on board and, hopefully, used 'us' to make the journey a bit more agreeable. So often the op pops in once or twice and threads dissolve into personal stuff but this thread.....take a bow, op, you've done yourself proud!! You're a MN legend 💐

Thank you everyone 😊

Some of the suggestions I’ve had have been invaluable and are things I’d have never even thought of myself!

I wasn’t sure what he was expecting to happen either. I don’t know if he thought putting off the divorce was going to make me sit there and hope he’d changed his mind? Whatever his thinking was or is, I don’t want that anyway. And that is something I never thought I would say, especially just a little over 3 months down the line.

There were some signs of him being like this; he’d always dismiss my feelings, if I was speaking to him about something or he’d upset me, all I’d get was “you’re just going on”. This has happened for around the last 3/4 years but I was so blind to it. There’s also been times where I’ve said “this is how I feel because of x,y and z.” And he’d say “no you don’t, you’re just saying that to make me feel bad or to turn it round.” I was never allowed to have my own feelings looking back, they were nearly always belittled or dismissed.

Where priorities were concerned, all I’d ever get was that I was trying to control him, although the reality was that I’d usually say if we couldn’t afford something (like a tattoo, expensive designer coats) and if he went ahead and bought them anyway, I’d end up having to pick up a bank shift to try and cover the short fall as I was paid for it a week later.

@mummy917 you are going to find it so much easier now being in total control of your finances and not having to cover for his financial incompetence.

You’ve done amazingly well, you sound so much stronger than you did a few weeks ago. In the long term I really think he’s done you a favour, you can now start living your best life without his deadweight holding you back financially. You were doing the heavy lifting in the relationship previously, at least you are free of that now.

How are the kids coping? If he hasn’t FaceTimed them much I think that gives you your answer on how things are going to go. There is no way he is going to cope with them for 5 nights straight.

I hope you had a peaceful night and were able to switch off watching Clarkson’s Farm ☺️.

@mummy917 put in a claim for UC as this could give you access to. legal aid. Also apply for council tax reduction.

@mummy917 also I realise you’ve taken a hit financially so may not be able to afford it, but if you can afford it, it might be beneficial to you to get away for a few nights. Even if it’s somewhere fairly local, it just gives you time to decompress in a fresh environment and relax. Once you are back at work you won’t get the opportunity and also you don’t know realistically how many of these kid free weekends you will truly get.

That dismissal of your feelings is so frustrating. DH does this in a specific way. When I raise a situation that I’d like to change because it causes a problem for me, he tells me it’s fine and it isn’t a problem.

This is always trivial stuff- the way we buy/store food, he overbuys and the freezer is always over full so there’s nowhere to put things. I have a bulk cooked chilli in the fridge, and can’t fit any in the freezer, for example. Also, the way cupboard contents are arranged that works for me. He’s turned something around and it’s harder for me to get it in now.
I’ve told him both these things are a problem and he’s told me, ‘No it’s fine!’. He has a problem with other people’s perspectives. They are simply wrong, because he’s right.
Grr.

Sorry to detour to my own frustrations 🤣

I’ve already done an application for UC but won’t find out until tomorrow what I qualify for as it is 5 weeks since the application that you find out apparently. I didn’t qualify for any legal aid but it was money well spent anyway. I’ve also already sorted council tax reduction and sent off my sole tenancy agreement as proof 😊 @BigAnne

I love that idea @Lostpassporthelpi might look into this for next weekend when he is supposed to have the kids. There’s lots of places reasonably local that I’d love to escape to for a night or 2!

Goon on you OP! I wish I could've seen his face when he saw it 😂 his poor little ego!

No I absolutely get it. I think it does boil down to the fact they don’t like thinking they’re ever in the wrong or someone else’s perspective makes them look less than perfect!

I also wish I could’ve seen it too. Looking back I should’ve done it on a video call 🤣

I hope you manage to squeeze in a trip for a night or two away next weekend, I think it will do you a world of good. Also if he finds out, he’ll bloody hate it, which is an added cherry on top bonus.

No wish to derail the thread but a quick reply please - with people like this you must make the issue his issue then. Rearrange the cupboards back to the way you want when he is not around. Throw away some of his more ridiculous bulk purchases to make way for your chilli (I know I hate to throw food away too). Fix it to suit yourself then let HIM complain to YOU.

Yes, I generally do. I’m currently waiting for the cupboard to reach the top of my list, and for him to learn about the freezer by eating chilli every day for a week, or watching it get too old. I’ve also mentioned that we need to decide what to eat based on ‘bulkiest thing in freezer or chilli’. We’re in a long marriage, and he’s a slow learner 🤣. But he has good qualities too.

I've been reading and following your threads over these past months and think you've been bloody amazing! I'm 7yrs on from splitting with XH and it was the MN crew that really helped get me through it (I was lurking and reading other people's threads, but even that really helped).

Keep being the amazing lady that you are. I hope you feel very proud of yourself. Also - and FWIW - I was a "terrible wife", also "really controlling" and I "made him do xyz". Strange that I have that superpower over people - if I did have that sort of magical power, XH wouldn't have been addicted to alcohol and drugs, going AWOL every bloody week etc and he wouldn't have fucked about with a now ex friend/the OW behind my back....oh and he would have actually stepped up and been a proper husband to me and a parent to his kids, and perhaps we would have still been married. But no, I was somehow controlling and awful*. Oh, and I "worked too much" (strange that, as I was the breadwinner) and got "too upset" (when I was running about like an idiot, working >FT as a nurse, plus parenting the kids, plus running the house and making sure chores were done...you get the pic).

*that bit changed when he and OW split about 4months later (they BOTH came crying to me about the terrible split and oh how I laughed). I was suddenly the best thing since sliced bread, it was all a terrible misunderstanding, and he really wanted to come back (I told them both to GTF).

Keep going, and always hold your cards close to your chest. I have the best life now. I'm very happily single, my DC (12 and 19 now) are doing very well and they're settled and happy. My home is peaceful (and orderly!). Me filing for divorce was the best thing I did. He was so fucked off about that too (but somehow still didn't want to be with me as I was so shit).

Another op has just mentioned something very important in situations involving solicitors and finances - ALWAYS hold your cards close to your chest. Knowledge is power!