Do you check your husband/partner’s phone?

[Marissa270]

Does anyone check their husband/partner’s phone? Is this considered normal and for the ones that do are your husbands ok with it? Thanks!

I did last week because I believe he has been in touch with his historic EA. She lives in another country but they have a history of inappropriate communication. Each time I find out, he does the whole shebang - gaslights, gets angry, etc etc. I know he lied to me about something recently, but I’m not sure if I have the stomach for the debate and the consequences atm. It is quietly eating me up though.

If I believed I had to check my DP’s phone to make sure he wasn’t cheating on me, I wouldn’t have wanted a relationship with him. Why would anyone want to live with someone they had such a low opinion of? I’d rather be single than live like that.

I would absolutely not want a relationship with a man who wanted to check my phone, either. It’s invasive and controlling.

I don’t think my DP has Instagram. If he does, I really wouldn’t give a shit what he looked at on there; that sort of thing doesn’t bother me at all. Not saying anyone else isn’t allowed to be bothered by it, but personally I’m just not.

I’ve been cheated on before… and that’s precisely why I wouldn’t want to be with the sort of man who made me feel like I needed to check his phone.

For me, the ‘once bitten twice shy’ element was expressed by not pursuing relationships with any man who made me feel in the slightest bit insecure.

I’m 50 years old and, without exception, whenever any woman I know has been cheated on - including myself - I’ve been completely unsurprised because their partners have been the sort of person I would expect to cheat. My mum was very shocked to learn that my sister’s partner had cheated on her, whereas my brother and I both immediately thought “Yeah, that figures”.

Well there’s usually a type but some can sometimes shock you. Like I would genuinely be shocked to my very core if my DH ever cheated, like he just isn’t the type. But does that mean there are no circumstances in the world he ever would….? I dunno, I have been shocked by some people I’ve know who have cheated/been cheated on.

For the record though, I don’t go through my husbands phone and we have the kind of relationship where we would use each others phones freely- not snooping, just sometimes convenient- so I don’t feel the need to snoop. But if suddenly he got all secretive… yeah the temptation would be there because that’s just not the dynamic we’ve had in our relationship.

For the record if you see my previous posts I also think snooping is wrong and have no need because we are very open with our phones. My point was that if suddenly out of nowhere if he started phone guarding would I be tempted to look? Maybe…. Because that’s unusual behaviour.

And before you judge that, would I just “get out of a relationship” and utterly destroy my children’s lives, potentially throwing them into poverty over a vague suspicion? No.

I wouldn’t make a habit of it but after being gaslit by my ex for years and then genuinely stumbling across evidence of long-standing lies on a shared device, I think if I was genuinely feeling gaslit by a partner again, I would consider snooping to either confirm or disprove my suspicions.

I know some will say the feeling of being gaslit is enough in itself but I think that’s simplistic and ignores that fact that a marriage or deeply entwined relationship is very hard to leave on the basis of a gut feeling.

I wouldn’t engage in casual trawling “just in case” though. No point being in a relationship with that level of basic distrust.

No

Not in my world !

In our marriage, it was never discussed, but we are not secretive about our phones. I will happily ask my wife to go into my emails and find some registration code, check something on my whatsapp or look up something on my instagram, log into my work chats while I am driving, for example. She is also logged into all the above on her laptop that we use for amazon orders, and it is home with me when she is away to work. There is nothing to see, and it never even crosses our minds to check on the other person, either. Our phones are left in the same room without a second thought when we go and take a shower or go outside gardening, etc.

I can't imagine being with someone who is so insecure about our relationship that it makes her not trust me, nor would I be able to maintain a relationship with someone I can't trust.

There are so many things in life that drain our energy and attention, it's just such a waste to put it into these. And if you are with someone who needs to be checked, that relationship is dead, to begin with. I could maybe wrap my head around someone being cheated on before, being sensitive about it as a result, but that would take a lot of clear communication to fix what's broken there. At the same time, I wouldn't be comfortable to be treated like a potential liar and a cheat inherently, just because some other man has cheated in the past - It is not my fault, it's not fair to be punished for it.

An ex kept constant tabs on his phone, even sleeping with it in his pocket in the night! It wasn’t a loving relationship at all.

DP and I both borrow each other’s devices to check the news etc but neither of us are interested in snooping - we are all entitled to some privacy. You either trust someone or you don’t.

I don’t check his phone but then I have his password and he has mine. I think when you have no need to check is because you either have a gut feeling or trust issues.

On the day to day, no I wouldn't. However I did when my husbands behaviour was making me really question things and i felt like i needed something more concrete to disrupt my kids family. That was how I found out about his affair. If I hadn't I wouldn't have known and I don't know how much longer things would have gone on behind my back because I would have felt like I needed to stay.

No, but while his and my child were playing on his old phone i saw a ton of sexual images of naked women some in sexual poses and some from Instagram all of them had boobs out at the very least. If my child or his for that matter had stumbled across them I would have gone supersonic at him, I did challenge him about him letting his 2 girls and my daughter play on it knowing the images were there and it was dismissed as an opps!. I then went and looked at his Instagram and all he was following was naked women. He has really changed over the last couple of years, doesn't seem to even see me when I make an effort and doesn't understand why I get upset.
He blames his ex for the reason he has all the misogynistic images, she didn't want to go near him. I can see why now.

Apparently a couple of my friends that do this were influenced by female dating coaches on social media who encouraged snooping on partner’s phones to ensure they were being faithful which sounds strange. Another one had a father who had cheated so she witnessed what her mother went through growing up.

His historic Estate Agent?

This

No, never have in 18 years together. I’ve never had any reason to.

In previous relationships that weren’t healthy, yes, and I found they were cheating on me. They weren’t good relationships.

If it got to that point in my marriage, something would clearly be very wrong.

😂. This made me laugh. Just in case you don’t know EA stands for emotional affair

The only time I go into his phone is to add songs on Spotify when we’re having a party but then so does everyone else. I know his PIN number and he knows mine!

No absolutely not we both have access to each other phones but I have never felt the need to check his phone I think if your at that point then you may as well walk away

I don't check his phone he doesn't check mine, we know each others PINs
i have access to email but only open it when he say so to check something for him

No I don't check it but sometimes borrow it to pay off his credit card (I sort all the finances and he's rubbish with them)

We both open each others post unless is looks private like a birthday card etc.

We have no secrets. He doesn't hide his phone and neither do I. We know each others PIN so if the other is driving then we can reply to messages etc, but we don't actually go through it and look at things.

I've only once been through a partner's phone - and he was abusive and cheating on me. I just needed the proof. He did then try and run me over for snooping but thankfully I got out of that shit storm.

No. And I don’t read his post or his emails or go into his room when he’s not there (we have separate bedrooms). 41 happy years together.

No but I do think if someone has reasonable suspicion their partner is having an affair, checking their phone is justified then.

No. I don’t go through my husbands phone but we have access to each others phone and computers. I’ve never felt the need to look through his phone because he’s never done anything to warrant it.

I’ve had one partner in the past however, where I did look on his devices because I had suspicions, which were confirmed when I did.