Do you check your husband/partner’s phone?

[Marissa270]

Does anyone check their husband/partner’s phone? Is this considered normal and for the ones that do are your husbands ok with it? Thanks!

You are friends with mentally unhinged people.

Do their husbands know they are doing this? Sounds like marriage ending behaviour. I would not tolerate my husband checking my phone and I’m sure he wouldn’t tolerate it either. Shows complete lack of trust. No one I know does this. We’re late 40s.

Just borrowed my husbands phone to go to the supermarket (mine is flat)

wouldn’t have dreamt of “checking it”. If I thought he was having an affair I’m not sure I’d even bother then. In my case experience (I’m almost 60) if you think your other half is cheating, your other half is almost certainly cheating so I’d just see a solicitor and get the divorce rolling 🙄

With the husband’s knowledge - what like “hand you phone over please darling, it’s time for my weekly check of your behaviour”??
Or behind the husband’s back? Also bad.

No, I’ve never done this.

No, I wouldn’t consider it. His phone is always lying around and I know the passcode so have any opportunity if I wanted too.

This sounds really sad to be that untrusting within a relationship. It must be awful to be in a relationship where you feel that is necessary. For me I would rather be alone if I had that level of mistrust, its just not worth the stress.

Your friends sound nuts and their relationships are crap.

DH and I know each others phone PINs as we occasionally want to access info on each others phones but I'm not interested in what's on there. The only social media he uses is Twitter which he uses to discuss politics/current affairs. The idea that he might have a hidden Instagram account to message women is ludicrous.

My DH doesn't have social media, well he has whats app. But that is it. I dont check his phone or have him checking my phone (it would bore him if he did!) he knows the password and i know his.

No, why on earth would I?

I don’t check his phone because he’s not secretive about it. I’ll answer it for him if he’s driving, send messages from his phone if he asks. Just today we were meeting a friend and he said “can you text x that we’re on our way?” He’d be daft to have me do that if there was an inbox full of illicit messages.

I trust him because of his actions/lack of secrecy, and to be quite frank he’s an absolutely crap liar. HOWEVER, I’ve also been burned in a previous relationship and I’ve seen so much cheating from people I’d never have expected it from that if he started to get shady with his phone, start caring about his appearance more, and all the other lame cheating tropes I admit I wouldn’t be above looking. But I’d need a reason first.

No, I've never felt any interest in doing so. He has fingerprint unlock so wouldn't be able to even if I wanted to. But I never did years ago when he used to use a PIN.

I don't think he's ever checked my phone. I don't like the idea of him checking it, mainly because it would be like him eavesdropping on conversations even though there's nothing I shouldn't be doing.

I didn’t bother looking at his phone until i saw a text from his mother about offering to help him pay off a debt which piqued my curiosity as I certainly wasn’t aware that he was in any debt. I then asked him about it, to which he said it wasn’t any of my business and the amount of the loan/debt varied from 2000 to 4000 pounds. So I hacked into his phone and found a treasure trove of OnlyFans subscriptions, wanton expenditure, which eventually led to a divorce.

No. But honestly, if he managed to squeeze in anything untoward I’d pat him on the back at send him off to GCHQ.

No, never.

No, never. He's even told me if I ever felt like I needed to go through his phone I could. He was a little surprised when I told him that I dont need to I trust him

I use it occasionally.

What should I be checking for?

Most of them do it whilst the phones are just lying around like if they’re in the shower or in another room/even sleeping. Or they make an excuse like they’re doing something and they need their phone. They don’t announce it but if they find anything they deem ‘suspicious’ then they ask them about it. It’s crazy behaviour I know and quite frankly was shocked when the topic came up. One of them found her husband had viewed porn so they had a huge fight about it.

No

No, why would I? We have free access to each other’s phones, but wouldn’t dream of reading his messages.

No. But then I completely trust him. I could if I wanted to. I just don’t.

But have they been lied to or cheated on before? There’s an element of once bitten twice shy.

I do think the “if you don’t trust your partner why are you even with them” thing is too simplistic. If you’ve been burned before it changes you, like you can trust a new partner and not check their phone but personally I don’t think you ever (wisely) 100% blindly trust someone ever again if you’ve been lied to or cheated on previously. I’d need a suspicion to look, but I’d get suspicious far more quickly than someone who has never had their trust utterly shattered iyswim. And I don’t see that as a bad thing, it’s experience and seeing red flags sooner.

I read your first post out loud to my DH.

He immediately unlocked his phone (though I actually know his pin, and he knows I know it) and invited me to check whatever I wanted. And we both laughed because I trust him, and actually everything was very boring. This made him laugh because he knows that his entire history is just full of techy project management.

Basically his entire life is tech and football and the only woman he’s texting is me, because he adores me.

I’m glad someone else opens the post…I was beginning to feel like I was the odd one. All our finances are the same so if something comes in it could only be a household thing. Whoever sees it opens it. But in fairness a lot of our post goes unopened because we know what it is.

No and I think this is insane but my sister made out like it was completely normal among her friend group so I don't think it's uncommon.

DH and I both know each other's passcodes and neither of us are bothered about the other person having access to their phone - I'm forever leaving mine at home when I go to work etc. So there'd be plenty of opportunity. But I've no interest in snooping what who he's talking to and vice versa.

It doesn't matter if you've had bad experiences, though. You don't have to blindly trust someone, but you do have to respect a normal and reasonable boundary like 'not going through their personal stuff unbeknown to them' regardless of your own insecurities. And if you can't be in a relationship without doing that because of suspicions you've got, you either need to get out of a relationship that's giving you suspicions in the first place, or you need to not be in a relationship full stop if you are prone to assuming/making up things to be paranoid about and get some counselling to work on your trust issues.

DH has been cheated on in the past. If he used that as an excuse to go through my phone I'd leave him: for not having the proper communication skills to talk if he suspected something was wrong, and for breaking my trust.