OH ridicules my severe allergies and breathing issues

[AntoniaX]

Hi all. I’ve always suffered from severe reactions to harsh chemical smells, dust, and animal dander - to the point where I've spent countless nights wheezing instead of sleeping (and it isn't always much better during daytime when around such triggers).

Recently, I invested my own money into three air purifiers to place around the house to reduce my allergic reaction to our dogs and dust in general, and thankfully, my dust allergies and wheezing have almost completely subsided.

However, a major issue remains: My OH.

He loves heavily scented products, whereas they completely trigger my respiratory issues. Despite me constantly asking him not to, he still uses fabric conditioner on our sheets and towels (2 - 3 x the recommended amount as well). On top of that, his heavy use of hairspray and cologne literally stops me from breathing, forcing me to leave the room until the air clears.

We have frequent arguments about this because I feel like my health just isn't being taken seriously. He doesn't mind all the chemicals and scents, or believe that our pets could cause any issues for my breathing. What he does mind is my reaction to them, and he frequently ridicules me for it as he claims I am always overreacting, or just being dramatic for the sake of it. (I'd like to be able to breathe - just for the record.)

My prompt for posting this, happened this morning.

After I was forced to change rooms yet again just to breathe, he mocked me in a condescending baby-like voice before leaving for work: "Boohoo, I can't breathe, the perfumes are too strong, I can't use fabric conditioner because it smells too much, there is too much dust, I need an air purifier in every room, waaa."

All I could say was "Wow." and walked away as I always do. He just left for work as if nothing happened. I’m incredibly hurt by how rude he was, and of course, there's been no apology - and I'm 100% confident that there will not be one as I haven't had one in over a decade.

WWYD?

It's a deal breaker.

You know this.

It's disrespectful and he wants to actively harm your health. Think about it.

He's being abusive because he KNOWS what the impact is.

Well he clearly doesn’t even like you, let alone love you. Leave him surely?

Leave the bastard. Honest to freaking goodness, the only appropriate response to "I can't breathe because of your aftershave" is "Oh my gosh! I didn't know. I will never wear it again." This man obviously despises you. He is certainly not worth dying for because he likes to torture you with things that stop you breathing.

Well isn’t he a prince among men?

This. He is deliberately treating you unkindly and putting your health at risk, Op.

He’s clearly a twat, so he needs ditching

Also, I have similar allergies (Animal Dander, Dust, Hayfever etc) - why have you got dogs in the house ? Surely this must be hugely triggering, and may be making you more sensitive to perfumes (btw it’s probably not the smell you are allergic to, but an ingredient so try to narrow that down)

You can't trust him. Do you think he would help you if you needed an ambulance?
You need to get away from this man. He is deliberately putting your health at risk.

How can you be overreacting when you wheeze when you sleep, ie in an unconscious state?

The continued use and overuse of scented products would be bad enough, but to mock you in such a way.....I'd find that completely unforgivable and a dealbreaker. If it was me in this situation, I'd separate from him. How long have you been together?

Chuck him out and give him his bag filled with the products.

This is far too serious for anything else.

He doesn't respect you.

I have chronic migraine and scents can be overwhelming. My DH sprays his antiperspirant on in the hallway if I'm in the bedroom so I don't have to inhale it. It's such a simple thing to do and it wouldn't hospitalise me!

You're clearly not compatible so should split. He does sound like a bit lot of a knob tbf.

Interested to know why you gave a dog if you're allergic though? Was that his doing?

This is not someone I would want to spend time with

“endofthelinefinally · Today 08:02
You can't trust him. Do you think he would help you if you needed an ambulance?
You need to get away from this man. He is deliberately putting your health at risk.”

This. You should end it. Asthmatic reactions are a serious matter. If he loved you, he would not expose you to this kind of discomfort. He would not prioritise aftershave etc over your ability to breathe.

Why are you with this absolute cunt?!

I have allergies to perfume and therefore fabric conditioner and loads of stuff, nothing comes in to my house. DS as an adult does wear aftershave sometimes but he keeps it in his car. DH has been nothing but supportive. It is an absolute PITA as an allergy as in public you can’t control what others have on but your house is the one place you should be able to. He sounds awful.

I have regifted many a scented candle! Lots of people don’t seem to believe me though.

As a bit of info sharing if on a plane or crowded place I take charcoal insert
things for up my nose as they filter. I often wear a light scarf so I can hold it up to my face as a temp mask. DH is however amazed that of say horse manure doesn’t bother me. That’s just an unpleasant smell will not give an allergic reaction.

Playing devils advocate here but are these allergies diagnosed? Do you have inhalers or nebulisers for the wheezing? An EpiPen? Take regular antihistamines? Have you ever required an ambulance or hospital treatment? I ask because obviously allergies can be serious and deadly but when you say you can’t breathe, you obviously can or you wouldn’t be able to talk! I can see it would be irritating to have somebody make a huge fuss about sprays if you aren’t actually that allergic. Why do you have a dog if so? And if it was that bad surely you’d have issued an ultimatum ten years ago?

My friend’s beautiful son died from an asthma attack. He was 32, very fit; as a job he trained actors in stage fighting. Please, please take your own health seriously, and keep yourself safe.

He hates you, and is treating you very badly. Apart from anything else these artificial scents your H is polluting the house with are not good for anyone. Why are you still with him?

If you can't afford to leave a nice big shed at the bottom of the garden for you!

It sounds like you could have experienced this growing up. So you think this is kind of acceptable - until now I hope.

Phrases like ' you're over sensitive ' or 'it's just a joke' or any single thing where someone who supposedly cares does NOT listen to when kindly ask for something or ask them to please stop.....this is part of an abusive pattern. I had this all my life so only realised through therapy how abusive this can be.

This man is capable of so much more than what you have written here.

I would drop this piece of shit back into the sewer he came from without blinking.

For you it's going to be something that might take time to realise ( how bad this and HE is).

If you saw a therapist alone, they'd help you see it all clearly ❤️

Where is the mutual love and respect?

This is bordering on, if not actually already, abusive.

Move on.

It sounds like he’s trying to kill you, OP. My partner is v sensitive to perfume/nail polish/remover smells etc. It’s not life threatening but it can trigger a headache, so I don’t use them. That’s just basic courtesy when you care for someone. What he’s doing is actively putting you in danger’s way when relatively small, inconsequential, adjustments could make your life easier and your risk much lower. I know we are often too quick to say LTB on here, but I really do think you need to leave him for your own safety.

What a horrible man. Get rid of him and be happy.

Funny how often "playing devil's advocate" can be code for "being a twat." I have unpleasant allergies to scents, pollen, a lot of washing powders etc, cats, dust. I get a sore drippy throat, constant sneezing, swollen eyes, headaches, skin irritation. These are not "diagnosed", they don't need to be, I can see what causes it, nor do they need to be at the point of hospitalisation before people who live with me should refrain from colognes, fabric softener and other totally unnecessary things that no-one needs. Fortunately my other half is as little inclined to load up our household with needless products and scents as I am. "Not that allergic" can still make someone feel absolutely horrible even if not life threatening and I totally reserve the right not to have it in my house. If that's "making a fuss" I give no shits. You sound terribly ignorant.

OP - there's been no apology - and I'm 100% confident that there will not be one as I haven't had one in over a decade. Says it all really.

Two things need to happen here

you leave this relationship - he’s awful.

you learn more about your own health. You should be on a supported regime through your gp to help you manage your allergies - sinus rinses, anti histamines, testing etc

inflammation from allergic reactions is so bad for you and is linked with heart issues and dementia. It’s not just about sneezing. You deserve to be ok and happy op. Take action. Sadly that probably also means no pets in the future.

I’d leave the man for his heavy use of hairspray alone. What man uses hairspray??!