Was my friend out of line telling my daughter about my past drug use?

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

I went through a phase of taking quite a few recreational drugs when I was young. Not proud of it at all, regret it, although I am lucky in that I didn't develop an addiction and have no negative health impacts. I just regard it as a few wasted years. I had stopped by my early 30s and haven't done it all all since having DD. Now very clean living, barely drink etc.

I have decided not to tell DD (15) this. For context DD is very sensible (straight-laced, really). To date has shown no interest whatsoever in alcohol (to the point of disliking it), is horrified at the idea of drugs, has sensible friends and I've had no inkling of any troublesome behaviour. She's very much not interested in this and long may it continue although I realise she's still young so I am prepared to deal with it if I have to. We generally have a good relationship, with the usual teenage stresses and strains.

A close friend, who knows DD well, and I used to party a lot together when we were young, and routinely talks about her exploits in front of her. I've asked her not to as I am uncomfortable with the idea that this is normalised, but she has said it's odd and that I would foster a closer relationship with DD if I was upfront about this. I respect her argument and I could see how it might work in some situations but it's not how I want to manage my relationship with my DD.

I found out last week that when she was taking DD home from an activity she volunteered that I had taken drugs as a youngster. It apparently came up in the context of DD expressing horror that two kids had been expelled from her school for smoking weed and telling my friend what a stupid thing it was to do. DD later confronted me and I admitted that I had "tried" weed (but downplayed it quite a lot, if I'm honest). Friend now says that she "had a right to know" and that I'm storing up problems in my relationship with her if I am not honest about what I am "really like".

I'm really quite upset about it: whatever the rights and wrongs of being direct with your children about past demeanours I just feel it wasn't her place to do it. I also think that you lead by example and I don't see any benefit in having my very clean-living DD believe that her main role model is a former drug-taker. She thinks I'm being controlling, trying to "recreate a phony Victorian childhood" for my DD and that I am more likely to push her into being more rebellious as an older teenager. Am I right to be pissed off or is friend right that I'm controlling?

She was wrong on so many levels to tell your DD.
It would be the end of a thirty year friendship for me.

It is not her story to tell.
You are not being unreasonable to feel aggrieved that she has betrayed you in this way. How dare she.

In your shoes I’d drop her. You’ll never feel at ease sharing your news with her again for fear she’ll repeat it to others. She’s indiscreet big time.

Be too busy, be overwhelmed, be too tired, be anything to ease her out of your life.

I must admit I am really in two minds or more than this.

On the one hand, your friend is not being your friend, is she?

On the other hand, people who “had a few wasted years” and who now pretend that butter wouldn’t melt in their mouth, and who expect me to pretend it was like that all along when they also thought I was a boring bitch at the time whilst they snorted cocaine, paying for people to be raped and murdered the whole way along the supply chain? Those people? Well sometimes I find it difficult to be charitable, being human and having human failings of my own.

She would no longer be my friend

Ir's none of her business, she has massively overstepped, I would be furious. She's not much of a friend really if she thinks her opinions can cancel out all of your boundaries

I don't disagree with your position about drug use. I now think recreational drug use is largely a terrible idea and would discourage anyone from doing it.

I think there are questions about why certain 'soft' drugs are illegal while alcohol (which in my view is more harmful than a lot of them) is not. But that's another discussion for another day.

However, I can't change the past. I regret it and don't want it for my daughter and my choice is to not normalise it.

Also my friend is equally culpable as I am. So I don't think she has a right to be sanctimonious about my position.

I’m totally with you. I too took recreational drugs. My two DDs are both very sensible and work hard at school etc. they would be very disappointed to know this about me and it’s really not who I am now.
I don’t actually regret any of it and I had a brilliant time but it is not your friend or mine’s place to tell them. It’s your story. I’d absolutely be fuming

Your friendship needs to end. You parent how you wish.

I drank a lot and was a victim of a serious serious crime neither of which my children know about my choice. For me if a ‘friend’ did this specifically after I asked them not too long ago- I would NEVER speak to them again. You decide what you want your child to know not anyone else.

Nonsense. We are allowed to be young. I have done a lot of stupid things. I might tell my kids one day but that’s up to me.

30 years is neither here nor there if someone tramples on boundaries.

trust your instincts she is out because she is either abusive, narcissistic or whatever but it’s a no.

Her personal stuff is on her.

I broke off a 30 year friendship with a woman who I viewed as a sister because she wouldn’t stop and listen to my boundaries it was hard.

The conversation went via WA
Dear Samatha
You again have done the exact thing I have asked you not to do. You previously caused me upset with regard to this and I asked you not to do it but showing your uttermost contempt for me you did it anyway - again. Our friendship as was is completely destroyed, irreparable and over. I wish you no harm but please me and all of my family in total peace with no further contact.

she too always was going through ‘personal stuff’ which she used to excuse her behaviour. Me - after I saw she read it I blocked on everything and deleted her on everything. She asked my godchildren to contact me and I told them I was happy to have a relationship with them (22 and 18) but not their mother. The first year I felt awful and now 5 years on it is a relief. I hadn’t realised how much drama she had caused with everything and everyone. Things are calmer and I don’t miss her.

Some friends drag us down and we are trauma bonded

I think you should tell DD the truth at some point (probably some years in to adulthood) but that is your choice to make.

Her behaviour is actually troubling, she is seeking to undermine you, I would cut her off from your DD and not speak to her again.

Can I ask why you think she should tell her daughter? Would it be the same if she used to shoplift? Or had a lot of sex?

You do realise that half of the teenagers in the 90s were taking recreational drugs right?

I think once your children are adults it is worth being honest about your life. People get reference points and learn from others experiences and people are not completely honest, you would hope family could give honest telling of experiences.

Yes, I would include if you were involved in crime or had a lot of sex. Giving honest personal takes and how you feel about gives them more reference points in life.

My grandmother was more and more honest about things as she aged and no one was a child any more. I wouldn't suggest extreme honesty with a child who may draw bad lessons from them.