Was my friend out of line telling my daughter about my past drug use?

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

I went through a phase of taking quite a few recreational drugs when I was young. Not proud of it at all, regret it, although I am lucky in that I didn't develop an addiction and have no negative health impacts. I just regard it as a few wasted years. I had stopped by my early 30s and haven't done it all all since having DD. Now very clean living, barely drink etc.

I have decided not to tell DD (15) this. For context DD is very sensible (straight-laced, really). To date has shown no interest whatsoever in alcohol (to the point of disliking it), is horrified at the idea of drugs, has sensible friends and I've had no inkling of any troublesome behaviour. She's very much not interested in this and long may it continue although I realise she's still young so I am prepared to deal with it if I have to. We generally have a good relationship, with the usual teenage stresses and strains.

A close friend, who knows DD well, and I used to party a lot together when we were young, and routinely talks about her exploits in front of her. I've asked her not to as I am uncomfortable with the idea that this is normalised, but she has said it's odd and that I would foster a closer relationship with DD if I was upfront about this. I respect her argument and I could see how it might work in some situations but it's not how I want to manage my relationship with my DD.

I found out last week that when she was taking DD home from an activity she volunteered that I had taken drugs as a youngster. It apparently came up in the context of DD expressing horror that two kids had been expelled from her school for smoking weed and telling my friend what a stupid thing it was to do. DD later confronted me and I admitted that I had "tried" weed (but downplayed it quite a lot, if I'm honest). Friend now says that she "had a right to know" and that I'm storing up problems in my relationship with her if I am not honest about what I am "really like".

I'm really quite upset about it: whatever the rights and wrongs of being direct with your children about past demeanours I just feel it wasn't her place to do it. I also think that you lead by example and I don't see any benefit in having my very clean-living DD believe that her main role model is a former drug-taker. She thinks I'm being controlling, trying to "recreate a phony Victorian childhood" for my DD and that I am more likely to push her into being more rebellious as an older teenager. Am I right to be pissed off or is friend right that I'm controlling?

You're both in the wrong.

She shouldn't have crossed the boundaries and you shouldn't be hiding your past from your daughter.

Not cool. Wouldn’t be happy.

My children have no god given right to my private business from before they were born.

What a ridiculous suggestion.

It's never a good idea to lie to your children.

She’s not lying - you don’t have to tell your kids your whole life story. You are entitled to have had a life before them and not share it

if she had said ‘mum, have you ever taken drugs’ and op said no then she is lying

at this stage OP I think you will need to sit her down and explain that you had a wild youth but you regret it for x, y, z reasons and you don’t want her to make the same mistakes you did

Yanbu. That would be it for me.
I have something similar as either my mum or sibling have told my teen something personal about me and its caused a few problems. I'm so angry with them.
I would never let it slip to anyone what their parents got up to as youngsters. Totally inappropriate. I know sensible, employed, home owning adults whose younger days were being Gen X messy ravers.

How is it lying to have a private life? You don't owe your kids or anyone your entire life story.

I think you need to be willing to lose this friendship. I get that 30 years is a lot, but this is sunk cost fallacy thinking. You teach people how they can treat you, so if you tolerate this, you're teaching her that she can disrespect you and override your parenting decisions whenever she feels like it.

According to some people women really have no rights whatsoever 🙄.

No one has any rights to my past, not my husband, not my children.

I 100% have a right to privacy.

She thinks she knows better than you and is trying to parent over you.

She's crossed big boundaries you set with her and she feels entitled. That should be the end of the friendship.

No one has the right to know your past with the exception of health care workers as part of your medical history and treatment plan. If you freely choose to share, that's fine. If you choose to keep it to yourself, that's fine. That goes for children, husbands, boyfriends, and so on. Anyone saying they or someone else is entitled to that information is flying a big red flag.

What would the OP have told her daughter if she'd asked if she'd ever taken drugs?

This is a very disrespectful and interfering friend. Why are you close?

That's not really relevant as the daughter didn't ask.

Your friend is way out of line. She knew your boundaries, yet chose to ignore them. I wouldn’t forgive this. I’d end the friendship.

What would you say if you were asked a question about part of your past that you didn't want to discuss?

Not a friend. Prob jealous of u and daughter’s relationship.

She would have told her what she wanted in whatever timeframe she wanted.

But your friend shouldn’t have a say in how you bring your child up. Her opinion on what you do or don’t tell your child is just completely fucking irrelevant.

I’d be bloody furious.

Your former friend, surely.

I’m sorry you went through that with your dad. I absolutely understand that and it’s difficult to know what is right and not create a risk. From what you’ve said your DD sounds reasonable and not at risk.

I wouldn’t cut your friend off for this. I say that as someone very quick to cut people out. I’d definitely be talking to her. Telling her that you’re really upset and going from there. A friendship of that long, there’s bound to be something you disagree on. She is in the wrong but if she’s willing to listen now, it will be ok.

I wonder what her motive was, because it’s really not a normal thing to divulge with someone else’s daughter. What a weirdo!!

I'd tell the truth

End the friendship. She’s jealous of you, and is out to sabotage, probably because her life is a shit show.

Totally out of order.
I would be telling her that you no longer want to see her

Your friend doesn’t respect you and thinks she’s a better parent than you and knows your dd better than you.
id have to step back from the friendship if someone did this to me. And as a person with a 45 year friendship I get what you mean . I’m not saying I’d end it but I would need some space and I’m not sure I’d trust her around my dd.
i wonder why she had to go against your wishes. Does she see she self as the cool one? Is she bragging about it?