Was my friend out of line telling my daughter about my past drug use?

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

I went through a phase of taking quite a few recreational drugs when I was young. Not proud of it at all, regret it, although I am lucky in that I didn't develop an addiction and have no negative health impacts. I just regard it as a few wasted years. I had stopped by my early 30s and haven't done it all all since having DD. Now very clean living, barely drink etc.

I have decided not to tell DD (15) this. For context DD is very sensible (straight-laced, really). To date has shown no interest whatsoever in alcohol (to the point of disliking it), is horrified at the idea of drugs, has sensible friends and I've had no inkling of any troublesome behaviour. She's very much not interested in this and long may it continue although I realise she's still young so I am prepared to deal with it if I have to. We generally have a good relationship, with the usual teenage stresses and strains.

A close friend, who knows DD well, and I used to party a lot together when we were young, and routinely talks about her exploits in front of her. I've asked her not to as I am uncomfortable with the idea that this is normalised, but she has said it's odd and that I would foster a closer relationship with DD if I was upfront about this. I respect her argument and I could see how it might work in some situations but it's not how I want to manage my relationship with my DD.

I found out last week that when she was taking DD home from an activity she volunteered that I had taken drugs as a youngster. It apparently came up in the context of DD expressing horror that two kids had been expelled from her school for smoking weed and telling my friend what a stupid thing it was to do. DD later confronted me and I admitted that I had "tried" weed (but downplayed it quite a lot, if I'm honest). Friend now says that she "had a right to know" and that I'm storing up problems in my relationship with her if I am not honest about what I am "really like".

I'm really quite upset about it: whatever the rights and wrongs of being direct with your children about past demeanours I just feel it wasn't her place to do it. I also think that you lead by example and I don't see any benefit in having my very clean-living DD believe that her main role model is a former drug-taker. She thinks I'm being controlling, trying to "recreate a phony Victorian childhood" for my DD and that I am more likely to push her into being more rebellious as an older teenager. Am I right to be pissed off or is friend right that I'm controlling?

End of the friendship for me too, I’m afraid, especially as you’ve already warned her. There’s a certain amount of curation involved in being the parent you want to be, and she’s now undermined that. What she’s done is an absolute no.

This.

And I would be very very fucking clear she needs to stay away from you and your child. I'd do it in writing and in that comms I would forewarn her that if she makes any attempt to contact you or your child (who is a minor... )you will consider it harassment and you will involve the police.

I would fully expect her to come creeping and try and worm her way onto some secret continued friendship with your child.

I personally think you are mad to have let this stay so entwined in your life for so long with so many red flags.

I’m genuinely sorry that this has no doubt soured your friendship but she can’t be trusted and I’d suggest this is some kind of power play and a huge lack of respect. Perhaps you would have e chosen to tell your daughter one day, perhaps not but it’s not up to her. It’s horrible when friends let you down like this.

Your friend is vile.
There was absolutely no need and it’s clear she’s jealous.
That would be the end for me.
The most I say to a friend’s teen is stuff like ‘you should have seen your mum on the dance floor’ and leave it there. They do ask as kids do so I stick to general bits of info or the odd funny story which would not offend anyone.
Plenty of my friends took drugs, many didn’t and what they tell their children is nothing to do with me.
I think this friend has also wanted to impress that she was cool once?
She sounds like an absolute fool.

Not a friend.

I too would find it difficult to get past this from your friend. I don’t think I’d allow her near my daughter again and am mot sure I’d be able to forgive it enough to continue a real friendship

It's your decision if and when you want to share this information with your daughter. Creepy and weird and undermining of this so-called friend to take it upon herself to inform your DD.

She’s an absolute cow!!!

I would be so pissed off if I were you.

Thanks all.

For those who have raised it, I do understand the logic to being honest about this.

But I also know from first hand experience that normalising addiction and addictive behaviour can set children up to have poor boundaries. My dad was an alcoholic and it took me a long time to understand that his behaviour was damaging and unhealthy. I’m very scared of her developing unhealthy habits in relation to substances of any kind. Possibly that makes me overprotective but I would rather err on the side of caution.

I also just think doing something like this unilaterally when you have been asked not to is inexcusable.

I suspect she did it on purpose because she thinks she knows better than you. I’m not really sure how you can continue the friendship tbh

It’s very tricky. I have known her for nearly 30 years and we have the sort of friendship where you can say anything to one another. We have had ups and downs but the friendship is almost bigger than us if that makes sense. She is going through some difficult personal stuff at the moment too.

But it really felt as if she was trying to sabotage my relationship with DD or insert herself into the situation or that she knew better than me and I have lost trust. I don’t want to lose her forever but I do need some distance.

Does she have children?

i would expect her to give your dd all the gory details at some point so you will need to prepare yourself for that.

Does your friend have children herself, out of interest? It seems so obvious to me as a parent that this is something one simply cannot and must not do.

But I wonder if there’s a reason why she doesn’t get that? I can’t remember whether I’d’ve understood the significance before I’d had kids.

Not that it matters, really. Into the bin for her.

@BeardySchnauzer @Sskka yes she has three children and one is having a hard time at the moment for reasons I won’t divulge.

She parents her children in a different way to me and that’s fine, she’s doing it her way which among other things includes being very frank with them about some of the things she did when she was younger. I think she’s a good mum but its just not how I am wired (nor is DD).

I can talk to DD about important things but this is a red line for me.

She's trying to be a "cool aunt" and completely disrespected you in the process. Not much of a friend.
My friend has a teenage son, I wouldn't DREAM of telling him what we were like at that age. I don't want him taking that as a green light to make the same mistakes!

I’ve been a very liberal minded parent , But that was my choice. I would be furious if a so called friend Told my children something that I Hadn’t told them. It’s not anybody’s place To tell them about your past apart from you .
I’d be dropping this friend like a hot potato

We’ve had issues because fil decided to tell the kids that DH must have taken loads of coke when he worked at a bank. DH is the biggest square you’ll ever meet and never touched the stuff but our 9 and 12 yo at the time believed every word and still refer to it. The more DH protests the more they believe it!!

does she undermine you a lot? I know you’ve said it’s a long friendship but that doesn’t mean it’s a healthy dynamic

Your so called friend has gone against your wishes and betrayed you, despite being FULLY AWARE you wanted her to stay out of it. This is pretty awful to be honest and you just need to be careful what you tell your 'friend' in future.

She needs to control her mouth and learn to keep it shut.

Your friend is out of order

30 years? Awful thing to do. Cant be undone. But chance to realise how wrong she was, how upset you are, chance to try to apologise and make good? Things wont be the same even then

Your friend is bang out of order and i’d be ending my friendship.

Even after three decades a friendship like this needs to end. It is not bigger than both of you.
You have agency.
And what will she do next?
I don’t care how much pressure she is under she has betrayed you and it wasn’t a one off she’s led up to it.
I wrote something online last year about a favourite teacher who had died. And I had a DM from a friend of five decades, someone I’ve known since we were at nursery, telling me I got preferential treatment and it wasn’t fair and that I thought I was a cut above which I got from my mum.
Our mums were friends.
It was absolutely full of bile and this was a teacher we’d had in primary it wasn’t like she was giving me private Oxbridge coaching.
All those years gone and I never knew.
She also wanted to hurt your daughter.

I don’t think there is anything wrong in DC knowing. But your friend is so out of order. This would be friendship ending for me

She is no friend.
Completely unforgivable.

I wouldn't allow her near my daughter, home, or me again.

Kids that hear their parents did drugs can then think, "well they are ok, maybe i can try them".

Not a message i want my children to hear.

Weed from 40 years ago is completely different to the chemical laden week that is sold today.

I have a good friend who is head of pastoral care in a top university. She is a psychologist by profession. She said weed use and its catastrophic consequences in the early 20's is so widespread.
The mental health issues that can be life long are honestly terrifying.

I consider your friend an absolute bitch who thinks she knows better than you.

Completely unforgivable.
I would blacken her name for her interference in your family.