How should I explain our divorce to my adult daughter?

[Danfromdownunder]

Hi all, my husband has been seeing prostitutes and other women over our 28 year marriage. I have lined up a lawyer for next week and a counseling appointment for myself too. Does anyone have any advice for me on how to tell my daughter? She’s 23 so not a baby. One part of me wants to give her some idea by saying your father betrayed me and that is why we are divorcing without the details just because I think he needs to own his behaviour. But I’m worried that will damage her relationship with him too much. At this point (1 week post confession) I am really just wanting to avoid making this painful for her as much as I can. Thank you

Information in brief about the reasons for the break up wouldn’t be ‘gory details’. Up to the DC what she then asks each parent and/or stops if they try to talk about.

This is a very difficult one, yes ur daughter is an adult, but still very young and what you say will set in motion some reaction.

i think you need to let her know you are divorcing because you are on different paths and there is some level of anger and upset on your behalf because of his inappropriate behaviours with other women. Be clear about your own emotions as this is also a type of honesty of where you are in the process. Also let her know you don’t know if you will continue to have any contact with him in the future and ensure she knows you will support her choice and u hope she maintains her relationship with her dad.

don’t say anything too extreme now, as this will be what you are feeling now and in 2+ years time you may start to wish you had had more hindsight of the long term fall out.

you can always choose to say more later, but once you’ve said something it can’t be undone.

I just wanted to add that I think there is a downside to not being honest. Your X will white wash his own behaviour and blame you. Your DD will take a '6 of one, half a dozen of the other' approach and may be lulled into a relationship with him that she wouldn't have wanted to have had she known the truth. Let her know and decide what relationship she wants with them on that basis.

My ex was abusive. He always told one of my children it was my fault and she fell in with this and often joined in with his abuse. As an adult, she feels lumbered with him. She knows he's abusive. No one else speaks to him. She doesn't feel she can cut contact and deal with his blame.

I would hate for your DD to end up in this position. I wouldn't want a relationship with my dad if he was a cheat and used sex workers. It's not a one-off thing he did. It's how he lives his life and a reflection of how he sees women. Your DD deserves to choose whether she wants a relationship with him.

Well he’s never going to tell the truth is he ?
If she asks who the woman is, She probably will ask as in theory it could be someone she knows,I would say “women”.
I would also add it has only recently come to light the depth of the treachery, it has been ongoing for your entire marriage & you are relieved to finally have your doubts answered.

I get that. But I also feel she deserves to know how her father treats women - presumably often young women of her age - purchasing their possibly non consenting bodies. That’s a moral issue that is very difficult to decide how much to tell.

I think OP has to say he’s been unfaithful many times and then let her DD ask more if she wants to know.

I agree with you, but the wronged wives in this thread simply do not want to hear it.

Your romantic relationship with your husband is SEPARATE to the relationship you and your husband have with your daughter and it should be KEPT THAT WAY.

No matter how you dress it up, you absolutely ARE trying to hurt your husband at your daughter's expense. It's the completely wrong thing to do.

I agree with this and having been the "wronged" wife I totally get the urge to punish the father through the children - because that's what it boils down to - but I vehemently believe it's the wrong thing to do.
Children deserve a relationship with both of their parents - even one that hasn't actually been a great one because they have played fast and loose with their children's stability and family life. And I believe both parents have to work together to help this happen, even though it's hard & can go against the grain.

That's a good reply.
Problem with some of the other comments, like "she needs to know what a wanker he is" : that's saying she should take sides, she's a bad person if she doesn't. You don't want to force her into thinking she has to take sides. My mother did that and honestly, every time I failed her by not condemning my dad (who didnt use sex workers!!, btw, but was unfaithful), my mother felt hurt and betrayed. She literally wanted me & my siblings to fix her marriage. Don't put your kid in the middle like that.

As an adult, I would have no wish to have any kind of relationship with a man who uses sex workers. I also suggested OP says cheating throughout the relationship and then answers her daughters questions if she asks them. But honestly, he's fkn disgusting and I'd want to know.

Rude to assume that other posters are ‘wronged wives’

Presumptuous to assume that OP would have negative motivations for telling her DD that her father was unfaithful multiple times & used sex workers. Those are simply the main reasons for the divorce.

Tell her to ask her Dad why you split up.

She’s a grown adult! Just tell her the truth! She will find out from someone and will be FAR more upset and angry with you if you haven’t told her the truth at the start!!

This. I’m not a wronged wife, I just think OP should be honest. She can be clear and concise about why they’re separating without resorting to anger or calling him names. Otherwise there’s a very good chance he will minimise and minimise until her daughter thinks she’s in the wrong for dumping him. There’s no way in hell he’s going to be admitting to anything he doesn’t have to. And secrets always have a way of coming out in the end, which might lead OPs daughter to be angry with mum that she kept the full details from her.

😂

I think just say he betrayed you and tell her to ask him what he did.

If you want her to know, you have to tell her, because there is literally no chance that her dad will.

i'm actually not trying to hurt him via her. I posted my initial thoughts asking for advice. Now i've heard from daughters I've considered what i would have wanted to know had it been my dad. I wouldn't have wanted to know it was a sexual issue (in any way shape or form) so I think i'm going to say the marriage is over and we are both sad but love her etc. I'm not even angry with him - that was over years ago to be honest. I'm relieved that I know what I always knew. I am very sad and trying not to think about what could have been etc but overall I'm definitely not angry or feeling vengeful. I'd also like to say she's the single most important person in my life and has been since the day she was born and I just wanted some thoughts on the best way forward with the goal of minimising the impact of this on her. Thanks all I am very grateful for most of the advice that was shared with kindness.

I’m a daughter who has been in this position. Ask your daughter how much she wants to know.

I don’t agree with posters who have said that this is a sexual issue between the parents is not related to the father daughter relationship.

It’s about his moral compass and attitude to women. Knowing the truth helped me make a decision based on truth about what sort of a relationship I wanted with him and my children for life.

Some daughters would want to know the truth , others would rather be happily blind . I’m in the first group . Good luck

It’s about his moral compass and attitude to women. Knowing the truth helped me make a decision based on truth about what sort of a relationship I wanted with him ....
I think this is the crux of the matter. This man has not just had his head turned and had a fling. He has treated women as commodities to be bought and sold. The DD needs to know this so she can make a reasoned decision about her future relationship with him and that of her children.
That is not punishing the man via the DD ... that is giving the DD choice and treating her with respect.

The use of sex workers is what takes it beyond a 'matter between the adults' and turns it into a wider moral issue that the daughter should at least have the chance to understand if she wants it.

I knew my dad was a twat and my mum had always avoided bad mouthing him (a favour he did NOT return) and it basically left me thinking that the divorce had made him bitter and twattish because my mum never really acknowledged any of the things I said about him being a selfish shit.

It wasn't until I was in my late teens that she finally admitted that he had gradually become more and more self obsessed and more of a dick and that was why she had ended the relationship. Until then, I thought they had just 'fallen out of love' and my dad had taken it really badly.

Once I knew the truth, it gave me the strength to first limit, and eventually completely cut off, contact with him, which I had found hard to do while I believed that his twattishness was basically my mum's fault.

I would tell. She's adulta and she can make her own decision.