How should I explain our divorce to my adult daughter?

[Danfromdownunder]

Hi all, my husband has been seeing prostitutes and other women over our 28 year marriage. I have lined up a lawyer for next week and a counseling appointment for myself too. Does anyone have any advice for me on how to tell my daughter? She’s 23 so not a baby. One part of me wants to give her some idea by saying your father betrayed me and that is why we are divorcing without the details just because I think he needs to own his behaviour. But I’m worried that will damage her relationship with him too much. At this point (1 week post confession) I am really just wanting to avoid making this painful for her as much as I can. Thank you

You can definitely tell who has and who hasn't experienced this from a daughters POV in these responses.

Your daughter will not feel about this the way you do. She has a COMPLETELY different and separate relationship with her father from your romantic relationship with your husband.

Being explicit will simply make her feel sad and guilty for not feeling the same vitriol you do.

Sorry but thats the truth.

Absolutely. You need to tell her the truth.

She deserves to know how her father treats and views women.

I would probably say it's because your H has been unfaithful to you throughout your relationship. If she asks for more information, I would tell her. Affairs and sex workers. Don't tell her to ask him. He will lie. I'm sorry you're going through this, but very glad you're getting out.

Personally I would gently go for full disclosure. She needs the right to make a choice as to whether she wants a relationship with a man who has probably been screwing young women of her age. She may find this as distasteful as I do. But if she does not know, she cannot choose. If/when she finds out later she might be very annoyed that she was denied that choice.

I think the starting basic facts and answering honestly (but gently) is a good idea. My mom and dad split up when I was a child. My mum was dignified and tried to protect me (dad had been having an affair). My mums mum told me everything - I wasn’t even ten at that point. When I was about 16 my mum told told me more when I asked. And when we were chatting when I was in my thirties I found out even more about other women. My mum managed to forgive, if not forget. We would all meet up for coffee. He was a shit dad in other ways, but I was glad I knew the truth. If anything I realised how amazing my mum was to be able to hold it together when looking back she’d been abused for years (and she always put me first).

Truth is good - where appropriate, in small doses. I’d rather my gran had waited another ten years until she told me.

My mums mum only spilled the worst of it when she saw me repeating her patterns. I was glad for that.

OP I hope you’re okay, this is a really crappy position for you to be in.

This. I would just tell her at this stage that you're splitting up and slow her to process that bit. You can say you are open to any questions. If she says, why? You could say he's been unfaithful in the marriage. If she asks with who you could say multiple people? If she asks was it sex workers, you could be honest? I would let her lead the questions. Then neither he or nor her can say you vilified him. If she's not ready to ask, then she may not be ready to hear and may get angry with you even though none of it is your fault. I think on time it will all come out but possibly not on the first time she learns you're splitting up (unless she keeps asking).

I think I'd just stick to "he wasn't a faithful man, love".

She won't benefit from knowing the gory details.

That’s awful for you. I saw this many times in my previous career with divorce case, particularly with younger children.

i suppose my thoughts here, are it’s not so much about punishment with DD age, more about being led by her. She is a young woman, who presumably looks up to her father. Who may look to base relationships on her upbringing. She should be proud of her mum for coping so well and so strongly.

she may also need counselling.

how likely is she to find out elsewhere? Could it be that she may hear it elsewhere? This destroying trust in both parents. What is OP relationship like with her? I’m assuming she is an only child?

I would have wanted to be told, but my sister probably would not.

I don’t think it’s. Right or wrong straight answer.

This.
I honestly don't understand people who seem to actively want her to hate her own father.

Unless he's been a totally shit dad and has been abusive towards her then what does it achieve?

Her relationship with her dad is entirely separate to the OP's.

And laying this on her, unless she doesn't get on with him already, will just make her feel confused and then guilty if she wants to pursue a relationship with him.

Whatever age they are, you have to put your kids and their feelings/welfare at the centre of whatever you do.

I would tell your daughter that you have grown apart and nothing more.
This issue is between you and your husband .
Why go and poison her mind ? Did his wandering cause her any distress
over the years ? Yes it has deeply affected you which is understandable
but why go and put this on her . It appears to me like you want her to take
sides.

firstly, I’m sorry you’re going through this 😢 you’re doing the right thing!!🫂
I would just tell her the truth, if she asks why, just ask her does she really want to know because you don’t want it damaging anything with her and her dad🤷🏼‍♀️
plus she’ll probably find out anyway🤷🏼‍♀️ she’s an adult now and when you’re that age, you find out everything 😩

Yeah sure, a guy like that is going to tell the truth. He will probably blame OP in some way! I absolutely would want to tell an adult DD the truth myself as he sure as shit won’t.

Tell your ex to explain it to her. If he won't/doesn't/lies or withholds pertinent information then you can tell her the rest of she wants to know.

At 23 she doesn't need protecting from the truth, as horrid as it is.

I wouldn’t tell her unless she directly asks, no one wants to know the details
of their parents sex lives. I hugely resented being dragged into my parents relationships where both parties cheated and would regularly share inappropriate things with me and my sister (dads ED a particular highlight).

Tell her the truth. ‘Your father betrayed me” is vague and confusing and emotionally loaded. I would simply say it factually: “we are separating because your dad has has had affairs with other women and also been seeing prostitutes.’

You can still then go on to say that he has been a good dad (if he has) and that although the has betrayed you, your daughter should still say close to him etc.

Your daughter is an adult, if it were me I’d say your father has cheated on me multiple times during our marriage, & leave it at that. If you are expecting him to tell her the absolute truth I sincerely doubt that will happen.

I think he should be the one to have to tell her, but with you present so that he can’t twist the narrative or make it look like he’s innocent.

Why are you protecting him? He didn’t protect you did he? Men! They have women friggin brainwashed to protect them even when they pull shit like this!

I was the daughter at 25. My father treated my mum really badly . She told me the truth - he was leaving her for an affair partner and then that she had found out about other affairs and sex workers .
I chose not to have a relationships with my father but the reasons I could not
forgive were the deceit , treatment of my mum and him not taking responsibility / feeling remorse.
I was glad that I know the truth and could make up my own mind about having a relationship with him. It helped me choose to support my mum . My siblings carried on relationships with him but I think partly for financial reasons.

Your daughyer is an adult and can cope with the truth.

Unless by 23 you mean 3 then you obviously tell her the truth.
Does she have SEN?

My parents split up when I was a child. I think children of divorce do need to eventually understand (so far as a third party to the marriage can) why their parents’ relationship didn’t work out, because it has an impact on their own relationships and on how they see themselves. As a child I couldn’t have fully understood and it wouldn’t have been appropriate to have been given the full details at that stage. But at 23 your daughter is old enough.

I would be prepared to give her the full story but gauge it by how much she wants to know. It’s not a one-off conversation. The fact that he paid for sex is an important element for you ( it would be for me too) so I would not hold that back.

‘Repeatedly unfaithful over the years, mainly with women he paid for sex’.

I come from a secretive family. I'd want the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I was 'protected' from my father's actions and eventually found out piecemeal through third parties - it pissed me off so much and I felt took away my agency. I knew info was being witheld, but not knowing what made forming opinions about my father and family dynamic very confusing.

Agree, secrets are destructive

I’ve posted already to say i was rather in your daughter’s position (similar age also) and feel i know too much about my parents’ sex life, especially my dad’s. I know there are others upthread who disagree.

It’s not about being able to cope. I coped. My mum’s dead now sadly (died relatively young) but i have a good relationship with my dad. My parents resumed a healthy friendship after the dust settled on their divorce. They were able to jointly celebrate big milestones for my sister and me and also socialise independently of us. So it didn’t prevent either of us having a relationship with my dad. We were somewhat affected by my dad’s affairs. But overall he remained an engaged father and my view remains that telling your daughter the gory details is excessive. She can’t unhear that. The poster upthread chose not to maintain a relationship with her dad. Maybe he had been an arsehole in every way and was no loss. But my father was a great and very supportive father in many ways and his relationship with my sister and me was a separate thing to his relationship with mum.