How should I explain our divorce to my adult daughter?

[Danfromdownunder]

Hi all, my husband has been seeing prostitutes and other women over our 28 year marriage. I have lined up a lawyer for next week and a counseling appointment for myself too. Does anyone have any advice for me on how to tell my daughter? She’s 23 so not a baby. One part of me wants to give her some idea by saying your father betrayed me and that is why we are divorcing without the details just because I think he needs to own his behaviour. But I’m worried that will damage her relationship with him too much. At this point (1 week post confession) I am really just wanting to avoid making this painful for her as much as I can. Thank you

I agree with your decision. Be prepared for the questions about how long for and with whom. Especially if one of them was known to your DD such as a neighbour.

Honesty isn’t “stooping”, nor is it undignified. Suffering in silence is not some sort of virtue. Being frank, honest, and factual is absolutely fine and by far what I would have wanted from my mother. She can give the details without calling him names and dragging him. The benefit is that as an adult the DD able to make an informed decision about the relationship she wants with her father.

If my parents said they were divorcing after many years “because he let me down and hurt me” I’d be more confused than not because it sounds completely weak as a reason, like he forgot a birthday. She isn’t a child, don’t treat her like one with sanitised rubbish.

Op, I’m sorry this has happened to you. If you do
tell her as you intend to, just be prepared for her asking more - “with whom?”, “same person or multiple?” “How did he meet them?” etc and having a good idea of how you’ll respond.

Not answering her Qs potentially risks her getting angry with you for keeping things from her, so if she asks, do consider being honest.

A friend’s parents divorced due to infidelity when we were at uni - initially they just said they’d grown apart and she wasted a lot of time and emotional energy trying to get them to reconnect or thinking they could still work it out.

Looking back on it I think that made the whole process harder on her.

When the mum eventually explained that the dad had recently confessed to cheating throughout the marriage she was more able to accept the decision as final and move on. She was angry with her dad but I think that was healthier and she had every right to be angry and then to process it, rather than to carry on without understanding that this was final.

So just having seen that situation play out, I’d suggest you do tell her that you have found out he has been unfaithful repeatedly for many many years. Make clear this isn’t some one off drunken mistake that she might expect you to forgive - this is repeated betrayal and lies over decades, and is unforgivable. Tell her that you don’t know who he has been with and have had to go to be tested for STDs as he has put your health at risk.

But I wouldn’t personally tell her about the sex workers. I think for me that crosses over into too much information about her father’s sex life and a detail she doesn’t need.

I split with my ex dh because he'd been sleeping with prostitutes. A bit different that my DD is only 14 (7 when we split). I've obviously told her at all

I think about what I might tell her if she asks later in life though

In your situation I think I'd ask her if she wants to know or it'll she'd rather just move forward without

I would tell her about the betrayal but not specify that they were prostitutes. If she does ask who it was with, I’d stick to something like “it was a few people. It isn’t anyone you know, and he isn’t going to start a relationship with them”. She has the right to know if the OW is someone she knows or is going to turn up as Dad’s new girlfriend. Otherwise she might feel stupid or naive if she finds out later. But otherwise it isn’t relevant to her.

I feel like dealing with your dad being a cheater is hard enough, you don’t need to add anything else to her complicated feelings at the moment. If she really insists, you can tell her of course.

I think this is exactly the right balance.

Yes, I've said the 'cheating with a few people' rather than mentioning prostitutes when I dont want to go in to too much detail before to people

I would say that's a good idea.

You can't unsay something. But you have multiple opportunities to say more. So start light and judge how much more you want to reveal. Saying nothing is not right though.

I would just tell her the truth. She’s an adult, you don’t need to protect her and she needs to know what kind of person her Dad is. I split up with my dds dad when she was a baby but she is 23 now and over the years I’ve revealed more about my reasoning, I don’t see why I should protect him. As a result she has very little contact with him and hasn’t done since she was a teenager (in my case it was an abusive relationship and I also found out he was involved in passport forgery)!

My parents divorced when I was 18. I was aware my mum was having an affair. Our relationship has never been the same, my younger siblings were not aware. I wish I didn’t know the truth. I’m now 40 and I’m still angry about it.

I think you give the general betrayal explanation and be guided by how much she pushes for details. You can suggest ‘maybe have a think about how much you really want to know as finding out what he has done will likely affect how you see him (and all men?)’. But then I can’t imagine many adult women then saying ‘ok I don’t want to know’. He’s done this to her, not you. I’m so sorry for what you are going through.

Be honest but not explicit unless she insists. I think telling her he was unfaithful multiple times with different women, none of whom were known personally to you is enough. Of course she may want to dig deeper but be led by her wishes.

Your mum sounds amazing

@CornishCornetto you can say you found out he’s been unfaithful multiple times over the years and leave it at that. No further detail required.

I have a male relative who did this. He did feel bad about it. So much so that... He was very fundy religious (his wife got him into God) & thought if he confessed to his wife she could forgive him (in line with their staunch Christian outlook) and they would pray together for God to heal him from those wicked desires.

Instead, She literally got on the phone and told everyone they knew. Couldn't hide the info from their many teenage kids. Took weeks for the boys to even speak to him again and took the girls longer.

Many years later the kids are now young adults & have done what their mother couldn't ever do. Forgive & pray & move on.

I think it's ok to tell your adult DD what you know.

Please do NOT tell her the details. I know more about my divorced parents’ sex lives and my dad’s pre-divorce activities than i ever wished to know. She doesn’t need the details.

"Your dad has been unfaithful to me with other women throughout our marriage and I've had enough" should tell her all she needs to know.

@chisanunian - I think phrasing it that way implies that the OP knew previously, tolerated the cheating (or it was an open relationship), and has now decided she won’t anymore.

That’s very different to the real situation - she has only recently found out about the infidelity, it’s totally unacceptable to her and she is processing the anger and betrayal. She shouldn’t take on any of the blame for this situation or imply it’s a situation she was ever willing to accept.

I absolutely wouldn’t. No young adult wants to know that about their father.

Please don't make your daughter party to the shady details of your relationship.

She doesnt want, or need to know, trust me.

My mum did this to me, trying to punish my dad through me and it destroyed our relationship. She died having been no contact with me or her grandchildren for 5 years on the 10th March.

You: "Your father and I are getting divorced"
DD: "Why?!?!?"
You: "We no longer wish to be married"

It's really that simple.

Please don't make your daughter party to the shady details of your relationship.

She doesnt want, or need to know, trust me.

My mum did this to me, trying to punish my dad through me and it destroyed our relationship. She died having been no contact with me or her grandchildren for 5 years on the 10th March.

You: "Your father and I are getting divorced"
DD: "Why?!?!?"
You: "We no longer wish to be married"

It's really that simple.

I think it important for women to know that men they love and respect can and do cheat and use sex workers. It is useful knowledge for making informed choices.

Yes, find a balance and be led by her. Telling her he betrayed you multiple times is enough information.

If she has had a good relationship with her dad up until this point and he has been a shitty husband but an adequate dad (not a good one obviously because he's put her happiness at risk for years) then I don't see the value in completely wrecking that relationship.

It needs to come from him and he needs to accept all blame

I disagree that you should hide the fact that he has been renting the body parts of women whom he cannot know have truly consented, as though they were animals or meat.

I think there's a huge, huge difference, in terms of what that says about his values and integrity, between that and having an affair.