Possible funeral drama

[ExDiedToldNotToGoToFuneral]

I need advice.

What would you do?

I was dating someone 18 months+. His ex was always in the background trying to get his attention. She had a new partner too. Something felt off in our relationship so I distanced myself. We split up mid March.

I nursed him through a couple of life changing operations.

Anyway long story short. She wedged herself in out relationship using her teenage daughter who he was extremely found of. He cheated. But I only found our yesterday. A week after he died.

She's rewriting history and erasing me. Telling everyone they were together 5 years. They were together 3 or 4 months.

I got to see him in hospital the day he died. I was allowed a few minutes.

She's told me she doesn't want me at the funeral.

Feeling a bit lost and confused.

What would you do? I want to say goodbye but not sure I can tolerate the lies and her main character syndrome. She's very controlling and dictating what she wants for his funeral.

I would go, and I’d be sitting with M or his mum personally. I hope you do go to the separate event and get to say your goodbyes there if you don’t go - sorry for your loss 😞

Do you belong to a church or other religion? I would go somewhere at the time of the funeral, either religious or somewhere you were together and have your own time remembering him and mourning. You don't want to put yourself in the position of being ostracised and not being able to have your own reflections and quiet moment.

To be honest since I found out yesterday that he was cheating on me my feelings have changed.

I was considering going to the funeral, but when I was told not to go my knee jerk reaction was, fuck you I'm going. Now I don't want to. We had finished. I was moving on.

I may go somewhere at the time of the funeral and do my own thing.

How do you know he was cheating ? Did K tell you?

So M was his longer term partner and she's organising the funeral. Has she told you to stay away. But funerals are the wrong placd for airing grievances. Just stay away.

M told me. We had a conversation yesterday. We have always been friendly and civil.

Maybe she should have told me a few months ago but it doesn't matter and doesn't change anything.

I am a bit of a loner so I won't be in touch with any of them for much longer.

Was he coerced into changing his will and appointing K as executor a month before he died? She seems utterly toxic and it wouldn't surprise me.

Don't go. It has all the makings of a horrible experience. Remember him in whatever way feels appropriate but stay away from all this unnecessary drama.

I wouldn't go to the funeral, but I would go to M's alternative wake. She seems a decent sort, and I expect your ex's mum would like to say goodbye. It would be a tidy way to draw a line under all of this

I wouldn't put yourself in that environment, what benefit actually is there to getting mixed up in that drama? He's gone so it's not for him. I would stay well clear and like PP suggested do something for yourself to remember him.
If you feel you need to, speak to his mum/family and explain that you don't see benefit to anyone you getting involved in all this and don't want to cause any drama so you will remember him in your own way

Its possible to go to a funeral and behave in a respectful way. It is a symbolic way of saying goodbye,

My grandmother and I went to a funeral where it was socially awkward. The dead man was one whom my mother had once been engaged to and jilted. He remained friends with my grandmother for many years. It was a Catholic mass and we are not Catholic. We sat at the back of the church. At the end my grandmother went forward for a blessing with arms crossed because she was not of their faith. I am told that the priest will recognise this gesture and still give a blessing. We followed at a distance to the graveside and stood at the back. My grandmother did go up briefly to speak to the dead person's mother. She invited us back to the house but my grandmother declined politely as I had work.

My grandmother later converted to the Catholic faith. She was always attracted to it. I remain agnostic.

I’d just go in at the back, she cannot say who attends.

You can go to a crem service then take yourself and your dc off elsewhere for a quiet reflective meal or walk skipping any wake

I believe he was manipulated into changing his will. I haven't seen the current will. I was removed from the first will which is fair enough as we were not together. The first will left the majority to M and nothing to K the second will the majority is to K and her daughter. As they say .... not my monkey's...

Friendly Ginger - I have been to catholic services and you are right. The arms crossed mean you've not been baptised and the Priest will still bless you. Obviously you don't take or are offered the bread and wine.

Not sure why it included Tel12's post. Sorry

I suspect that you are still in deep shock about his death and then a much deeper shock about his betrayal that you are only hours into processing and which will hurt very deeply. I wonder why M told you? Was it because K was going to anyway? Or was it because everyone knew already? Are you angry with K about the affair or telling you to stay away?

I would imagine you are just going through many complicated feelings right now.

Don’t blame K for the affair - it was his commitment to you that he broke. You are especially vulnerable right now at at risk of being easily emotionally triggered or being disproportionately hurt.

You need to take steps to emotionally protect yourself. You might feel different about attending nearer the time. Today is the time to make this decsion in your emotional state.

I am sorry you were treated so badly in your relationship and I am sorry you have to navigate the grief of a very complex individual who you loved and who hurt you. Take care of yourself.

I put my right arm across my chest as an atheist when at catholic things. I am in Ireland and one arm across the body shows you are not participating much to the disgust of my mother but I had to 'stand for' one of my cousins for their confirmation and did that when bringing the child up for her communion bread.

I’m confused you only dated a short time, you broke up 3 months ago and the bugger cheated on you.

Why would you want to go to his funeral?
I am surprised you remember him fondly at all.

I thought it was arms crossed across your chest if you want to receive a blessing rather than communion?

I don’t think you should have accepted the invitation to be a Confirmation sponsor as an atheist tbh.

Had he not been unwell, had he not passed, and you found out he cheated, what do you think your reaction would be in this position? Don’t let death and sympathy blur your usual morals here

I did not post asking for opinions.

OP sorry to hear he passed away and more sorry to hear you found out recently that he had cheated. This K person sounds like she is going to lie and change history no matter what so it probably is best to stay away. I know you broke up but I am sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

I don't know ow why M told me. I've been thinking about this- possibly because K is being really awful so she wants support stepping away from the funeral arrangements and in disliking K.

I do blame K nothing will change that. She had a new partner and I was with J. When she found out about the will she was relentless. He told me everytime she contacted him and I was there multiple times when he deleted text messages unread. I obviously blame him too. They were equally to blame.

I have stated numerous times that I will not be going to the funeral or the wake. Not because I have been told not to go by K but because I believe its the right thing for me.

Yes I have fond memories and some not so good memories. I loved him and believe he loved me. Which has been confirmed by M and his best mate. It's been 1 day since finding out he cheated. Maybe in a while I won't remember him as I do now. 18 months is a relatively short time I guess to date someone but I don't dismiss our relationship after finishing a few months ago. His sudden illness was a shock. M and K discussed telling me and allowing me to say goodbye at the hospital so regardless of what you think the people who knew him and to a much lesser extent knew me thought I was important enough to visit him and say goodbye. Would I have acted differently had I known he had cheated on me? No. We were planning a life together a few months ago. He was important to me. Finding out he cheated made sense to how he was treating me the last month of our relationship.

I'll hopefully find someone else in due course.

I have grieved for him before knowing he cheated. No more tears will be spilt over him.

If you post you’re going to get them 🤷‍♀️