Possible funeral drama

[ExDiedToldNotToGoToFuneral]

I need advice.

What would you do?

I was dating someone 18 months+. His ex was always in the background trying to get his attention. She had a new partner too. Something felt off in our relationship so I distanced myself. We split up mid March.

I nursed him through a couple of life changing operations.

Anyway long story short. She wedged herself in out relationship using her teenage daughter who he was extremely found of. He cheated. But I only found our yesterday. A week after he died.

She's rewriting history and erasing me. Telling everyone they were together 5 years. They were together 3 or 4 months.

I got to see him in hospital the day he died. I was allowed a few minutes.

She's told me she doesn't want me at the funeral.

Feeling a bit lost and confused.

What would you do? I want to say goodbye but not sure I can tolerate the lies and her main character syndrome. She's very controlling and dictating what she wants for his funeral.

Assuming you said your goodbye in hospital? Can you let that be enough? Honestly I'd stay well clear but I am not one who values funerals.

I visited with his Mum last week and I have spoke to her on the phone a couple of times.

I'm sorry to be blunt but M is blatantly his long term partner. You and K are both going to embarrass yourselves. I'm sorry for your loss but you really shouldn't go to his funeral.

It's wrong to speak ill of the dead but he sounds like a player. He cheated on you at least once to your knowledge.

Initially you said he dated K for 3 or 4 months, then changed to a year. They are quite different.

This is a very messy situation, you need to consider how you got wrapped up in it before you date again I think.

Godmum this is what I am thinking.

But the only reason I am not going is because of K.

I cut him out of my life when we finished. He asked to stay friends but I said no. I told him there were enough exes in his life with K hanging round and him sharing a house/living with M. He and M had been in each others lives for approx 35 years.

I've cried. I've grieved. Going to the funeral would probably be in defiance to her or to see his friends and family again.

When I found out he was cheating it formed a wall. I'm not crying for him anymore.

I'm assuming it's your grief that it making you sound like you're engaged in some kind of deathwrangle with K about who 'owned' the guy you both went out with. It all sounds a bit unseemly, to be honest. And not to speak ill of the dead, but he sounds like bad news. Wouldn't you be better off out of it? His funeral is going to be as messy as his emotional/sexual life clearly was, with different women trying to claim their 'rights'. It all sounds a bit like Musical Chairs.

I'm sorry. I can imagine you're reeling from not only his death but now also from the discovery that he was a dirt bag. Rachel Hewit writes very well about what a mindfuck something like this is, you may get some solace from reading her posts.

This guy made such a mess, my god. I personally wouldn't go to the funeral if it's going to lead to undignified or confronting behaviour from K. PPs have suggested some alternative ways to mourn him.

I feel for K's daughter, and you, you're innocents in this abysmal mess.

Proud Pearl to clarify

He was with M for 30ish years.

He had an affair with K 5 years ago and was with her for about a year.

I met him about 2 years ago and we dated till Mid March of this year.

He cheated on me with K and has been seeing her again for 3 or 4 months maybe a bit longer.

My relationship with him was over mid March and I was moving on but I did love him.

I agree 100% M was more of a partner to him than either me or K. She was organising the funeral etc. She contacted me to go and see him at the hospital and has told K I have a right to be at the funeral.

If I don't go to the funeral there will be nowhere for me to visit to pay respects because if K gets her way he will be up a mountain somewhere.

I think my decision is made. I won't be going.

Why would you want to go to his funeral, he was a cheating bastard

How does she have any say at all if he was with her a fraction of the time he was with you and it was before you got together? What? Is the daughter his?

— just read your last post - sounds like a dogs dinner!

Thank you to everyone who posted. I appreciate it. Lots to think about.

I have no claim to him. We were not together when he died. She can lie and say whatever she wants. I won't be there to hear it.

I had started to move on. I'll continue to do that.

When you get to the point of considering wearing foam earplugs at a funeral I think the answer is just don't go. You don't need to be at a funeral to say 'goodbye'. In any event, I'm not sure I would want to 'pay my respects' to someone who had cheated on me.

Go for a walk in the park or something peaceful on the day of the funeral. Say goodbye to him in your own way.

I'm sorry, I posted before seeing a few of yours about how awful you're feeling and I have no intention of kicking you while you're down.

Look, for your own sanity, stay away.

I had a relative that left a mess like this only in his case there were also small children involved. The repercussions have gone on for years. Men like this are selfish scum.

I hope your future brings good things and that you are able to work through your grief.

What the hell

No she is not his daughter. He was close to her. He had no children.

The foam earplugs were to wear whilst K told the lies about her 5 year relationship and her soul mate, they dated for a year - 5 years ago, they both dated other people. They got back together a few months ago.

My question was should I go to the funeral as K has told me to stay away. I was already 60--40 on not going.

I've decided not to go.

Why is anybody going to this funeral?
Sounds like he was a cheating scumbag with absolutely no morals and used various women in his time of need.

Poor M sounds like she’s on autopilot, K sounds like she loves drama and you need to cut them all out and move on.

Thank you ProudPearl

I think you're right not to go. K is just going to cause uproar and make it deeply uncomfortable. Maybe you could organise a lunch or tea with his mum and your kids as an alternative memorial at some point, in a place that meant something to him, if you feel like you and your DC need a proper goodbye.

Thanks passing through

Because of the controlling behaviour of K M is organising a seperate wake on another day. I said I might go to that. I have a framed photo of him for his Mum - a photo she liked. She knows about it. We went through photos and I offered to get it printed and framed. I also have a bottle of booze left over from when he was last here - I returned all his other stuff. I want to give this to M - we discussed it yesterday. Those will be the final reminders to pass on then I can move on.

Again thank you to everyone.

I agree 100% with Passingthrough's suggestion. You retain your dignity, you don't give the squabblers ammunition, you support his mother in her grief and you create a memory that cannot be hijacked by anyone else. Good luck.

You could discreetly slip into the back of the church or chapel, once everyone else has filled in. And pdq slip out again at the commital.

But it’d be a step too far to attend the funeral reception.

I think it might be what I’d do, in the same situation. I think, anyway.

I wasn't contemplating attending the actual wake.

I've been invited to something M is organising at a later date for friends and family. K will not be there and will not be invited nor will her daughter who is 18.

Good luck navigating all these difficult personnel, whatever you decide. It’s not as though bereavements and funerals aren’t wretched enough already.

HRTFT We had similar to this when my DB died, the current and ex were both vying to be the grieving widow. The reality was he wasn't serious about either of them and had cheated on one with the other.
If I'm reading this right you are his ex? Please don't upset his family by causing a scene, whether you mean to or not. Do something poignant on your own. Funerals rarely offer any relief, I would never go if I thought it would cause pain to loved ones.

I hate to tell you this, but it sounds like you think they were together for a year initially, then a few years later for 3-4 months. I suspect they were shagging for the past 5 years without ever fully breaking it off, hence she’s saying 4-5 years. That is probably accurate. He just told you it was over, but it wasn’t. I have no issue speaking ill of the dead, quite frankly he sounds pretty awful and as though he simply bounced from woman to woman, whoever he found would look after him the most. It’s his long suffering ex wife I feel most sorry for, imagine being stuck dealing with your cheating prick ex husbands funeral years after it’s all over?! And a couple of women into the mix who are hanging on thinking they were the love of his life.
Sorry for your grief, but you’ve dodged a bullet IMO, I’d leave M and K to it, move on and take stock of how you unfortunately got involved with such a chancer in the first place. He’s dead, you’re not. Onwards and upwards.

Edited for spelling.

Goodness what a shitshow. I'd just sack it off and not go, there's a drama Queen running the show so it's pretty obvious it could end up like an episode of Eastenders if you go... I'd let the family know why you won't be attending.

I'll just reiterate what I've said numerous times.

I have decided not to go to the funeral or the wake.

I may go to whatever M is organising or I may just walk away and do nothing. I was plodding along nicely I had blocked him on everything and was moving on with my life. I wasn't in touch with K, M, him, his Mum or his friends.

I have no hate for anyone.

We finished things in March I said goodbye to him in the hospital last week.

I'll continue to move on. This thread has helped.