So DH is telling his ex he loves her.

[Ifitwalkslikeaduckandquacks]

Buckle up, its a long one.
So, been with H 34 years, he is 15 years older and retired. Children, grandchildren. He would , over the first 15 years or so, compare me to his ex when he had been drinking. She was slim, tanned, tiny and gorgeous. I was none of those things. He would always apologise the next day, say he didn't mean it and I was daft enough to let it go until one day I wasnt and I asked him to leave. He came back a few days later davistated, we had counselling and got to a healthy place.
Fast forward to 5 years ago and they got in touch via Facebook, he told me and all was above board, she was married and had moved to Wales. Fast forward again to the last few weeks. We live in a hot country, we moved when DH retired. I work , compressed hours over 3 days. In the summer its really difficult, but manageable as long as I ger enough rest , water and access to cool down. Never been a problem until the last few weeks. I came in one day and H was suprised, said I was home early - I wasnt. Really off with me. Next day was a split shift, came home for a siesta and he woke me after 10 mins saying I couldnt sleep all day. This has carried on, as has moaning about me using fans/ ac. Its been steady 30 + weather here for weeks.
Yesterday he asked me to sort out his ancient mobile as it was glitching and a message pops up from the ex- love you, our chats keep me sane. So I snooped. An hour phone call with her every week starting on the day he was suddenly off with me. Lots of love you, love you too 💖 type messages.
Im not going mad here am I, this is/ verging on an EA?

I would but the job is good for my MH. Looking at booking a flight home to Ireland now. Nothing physical has happened - they are 3000 miles apart. I need some space.

That’s awful for you @Ifitwalkslikeaduckandquacks
How flipping dare he -
He’s retired and he dictates when you can rest workwise while he carries on with his ex.
Sadly your marriage is over.
He’s not supportive and you are ill.
Do you have family support ?
Children ?
Can you easily get back to the UK ?
I do hope it works out well for you.
You might be devastated now but it could be the best impetus for you to take charge of your life.

Go home and leave them to it.

I hope you can get the care and support you deserve back home. This man is incapable of providing it.

Go home to Ireland.

Make the choice for him. Book a one way ticket, take half the bank account if you can,pack up your stuff and go home. Surely it would be better to be ill at home in Ireland surrounded by familiarity?

I am sorry, nobody deserves to be treated this way. Your marriage is non-existent, and it ended a little while ago (those remarks from the last 15 years truly mean that he had zero respect for you for a good while). I understand the health issue, but if anything, that should prompt you to not waste any more on him, at all. There is nothing to salvage or hold onto here. Sorry.

OP I'm in Ireland and if you need anyone to quietly get information on any support available to you here then I'm happy to help, just dm me. Best of luck with everything.

Your health issues make it even more important to act on this. If you already suspect he wouldn’t care for you and he’s already showing that he’s not committed then now is the time to get yourself to a situation in which you have a good support network close by if possible.

Ireland sounds sensible. I’m so sorry he’s turned out this way

If you have a shared bank account, move your share into your own bank account, separate from his.
I would start divorce proceedings once everything is in order and you've secured your share of money.

I’m sorry to hear about your diagnosis, OP, and that you don’t feel you can tell the person who should be your biggest support. Sadly, statistics show that in heterosexual couples the man is six times more likely to leave when the woman is long term sick than vice versa.
Your ‘D’H sounds like he would use your diagnosis to garner sympathy from the other woman, rather than care for you. (Sorry, that’s blunt, it’s an outsiders take) He probably thinks you will be his carer in his old age, so may blame you if you become unable to do this. (Wifebot Malfunctioning, in MN parlance)
That’s not to say you will become physically incapable (the advances in treatment for neuro conditions in the last 10 years have made huge differences to many people’s prognosis) but that you will need to build time into your life to rest and recuperate (many neurological conditions made worse by extreme’s of temp in either direction) and his waking you and telling you you are lazy is not a good indicator of future understanding.
i don’t know what you have been diagnosed with, but so many neurological conditions are manageable now with the right treatment that you shouldn’t feel it automatically means you can’t leave if that would actually be better for you.
Good luck, OP X

So he has been "supporting" her while she cares for her husband and the love you's were platonic apparently. FML.

is the husband dying?
and if he dies will your husband be over there to ‘comfort’ her in a flash…..

get your ducks in order and make your plans.
sorry about your diagnosis. do you have family in ireland you can get support from?

I may be odd as the only person I say ‘I love you’ to is my son . I can’t imagine he’d be saying that to a male friend

Honestly what have you actually got left with this man, if you would rather not confide your health worries and diagnosis with him?

You've had decades of being triangulated with this woman. Is it worth it?

It must grate massively that he's all eager to "emotionally support" her, yet you know he'd make your diagnosis about his feelings.

This ^.
Let her have him.
Then as he gets older she can wipe his bum and order his incopads.
Life is too short to waste like this.

Can I ask why they originally split up?

I don't know where you are living but I think you'd be better off to move home to Ireland - is it the Republic or the North?
You have a lot of rights in your home country, including access to medical care.
Don't waste any more of your time on him.

But you also know deep down that he won’t support YOU through your own illness.
That says it all, regardless of being platonic etc…

Its the fact he can’t be there for you and would make it about him.

@Ifitwalkslikeaduckandquacks first if all, I’m really sorry about your diagnosis. It’s always a shock and to have to deal with it on your own is making it harder. Let alone discovering your ‘d’H emotional affair in the middle too.

this might be harsh but it’s very much coming from my own experience re support from an unwilling partner.
It’s not going to happen.
It will be you supporting him because it’s oh so hard to see your partner that unwell, about how sorry, his anxiety etc….

In some ways, it doesn’t matter whether he is having an emotional affair or not. He won’t be able to be there for you when it matters the most.

Regardless of whether you separate, please start planning FOR YOURSELF.
Whatever is best. Staying because of finances? Leaving back to Ireland for RL support? Whatever but plan assuming he isn’t and will never be there.

Obviously, how rushed or not things will need to be will depend a lot on your diagnosis and how quickly you’re likely to experience severe issues, need support and care. Do you have any idea?

If you iwn tge property jointly, sell it. Rent and live your best life.

To react to your username "@Ifitwalkslikeaduckandquacks" time to get your ducks in a row.

When a man declares love for another woman op; it’s already an affair

how old is he though. 70s? Is she the same? Sounds like some sort of fantasy they both have going on.

Perfect time to tell him about your diagnosis, handy she will be able to support him while he looks after you.