So DH is telling his ex he loves her.

[Ifitwalkslikeaduckandquacks]

Buckle up, its a long one.
So, been with H 34 years, he is 15 years older and retired. Children, grandchildren. He would , over the first 15 years or so, compare me to his ex when he had been drinking. She was slim, tanned, tiny and gorgeous. I was none of those things. He would always apologise the next day, say he didn't mean it and I was daft enough to let it go until one day I wasnt and I asked him to leave. He came back a few days later davistated, we had counselling and got to a healthy place.
Fast forward to 5 years ago and they got in touch via Facebook, he told me and all was above board, she was married and had moved to Wales. Fast forward again to the last few weeks. We live in a hot country, we moved when DH retired. I work , compressed hours over 3 days. In the summer its really difficult, but manageable as long as I ger enough rest , water and access to cool down. Never been a problem until the last few weeks. I came in one day and H was suprised, said I was home early - I wasnt. Really off with me. Next day was a split shift, came home for a siesta and he woke me after 10 mins saying I couldnt sleep all day. This has carried on, as has moaning about me using fans/ ac. Its been steady 30 + weather here for weeks.
Yesterday he asked me to sort out his ancient mobile as it was glitching and a message pops up from the ex- love you, our chats keep me sane. So I snooped. An hour phone call with her every week starting on the day he was suddenly off with me. Lots of love you, love you too 💖 type messages.
Im not going mad here am I, this is/ verging on an EA?

That would be the end for me.

Verging on one? It is one.

It is one.

Use the line - If you’re torn between the two of us please pick her. Force the issue - take control. He’s bored and playing with the idea of another life - tell him he can have that.

It’s The Script - he’s back in touch with her in a romantic sense and so now needs to make you seem like the bad guy to justify that.
He is pathetic and she is a disgrace as well. And the man she was once with is no longer that man anyway.
I know you have been with him a long time but you still have many years to go. Don’t end up being his carer either let his ex step in and do the boring menial stuff.
What a nasty piece of work he is after all those years.

Its not straightforward to leave , I have a recent nurological life limiting diagnosis that Ive kept to myself so I will have to think very carefully about next steps.

Its not verging.
To treat you like that after 34 years is absolutely shameful.

Ditto

Even more reason to take control - live life on your terms!

It is an emotional affair. I’m sorry about your recent diagnosis. You can take time to work out how to proceed in a way that benefits you. Take control.

I am so sorry to hear that. But do you honestly think he’s going to care for you and put you first? Because it’s hard on a loving spouse. For one who is this selfish they do nothing or leave anyway.
Do you have other support?

I dont honestly think he would care for me, I think thats why I didnt tell him & have hidden hospital appts - I knew if I told him he would be all woe is me about how it would affect HIM.

It’s not verging it’s already verged

Honestly OP how you put up with his behaviour in the first 15 years of your relationship when he made it clear he saw you as second best to her is a mystery to me. And them getting back in touch with each other 5 years ago was never going to be platonic.

It may be difficult for you as regards practicalities but please divorce this man. He doesn't deserve you and you deserve so much more than him.

Keep quiet make your plans but ues your marriage is over.

So in his eyes she’s “the one that got away” and I guess he is for her too… They’re both acting like children frankly, it’s embarrassing. Tread carefully and make the right decision for you.

I'm sorry about your diagnosis.

It sounds like it's time to put your needs and wants first.

clear the bank accounts and get him gone.

if you stay and your condition get worse, you would feel absolutely horrendous, when you are sick and vulnerable and he is being neglectful to you at the best of times and worse if he is calling (or more) with his ex. I known it is so hard, but you will do yourself a favour, if you start getting some help/ plan in place before you gotten to the point that you are relying fully on him and he just doesn't love you. It is likely with the way things are going that he would be resentful and probably very horrible to you. I am sorry you are going through this, you don't deserve this

You dont deserve this creep. Hes already checked out of the relationship, dont let him do this to you! Let him know you know and make arrangements to get shot of him. What a pig!

End it . The lack of respect is astonishing.

I’d sort out your will and think carefully about who to leave it to. You don’t want to leave anything to him as it could be shared with his ex if they marry. Would it be easier to separate and move back to the uk?

Then now is the time to leave before your health gets worse and you become totally trapped. He's been emotionally and mentally abusing you for years and once he knows you are trapped he'll start with the physical. Shaking you awake after 10 minutes was him testing you to see what abuse you will accept.

I have multiple health conditions and am disabled. I left after 40 years of marriage because he was already treating me worse than a dog and I knew my health would only deteriorate so it was my last chance to leave. I looked at all the blocks to leaving and put things in place so I could, whether it's financial, medical, physical, transport, cooking... there is always a way to freedom. What are your blocks?

Sort out your will and give solicitor the evidence so he can’t contest why you left nothing to the cheating bastard

Jack in the job and live life to the full. Have breaking siestas. Go sick immediately and hang around, see how he copes. He is quite frankly ridiculous.