Should I tell my husband about an affair that ended last month?

[SeaWave21]

Hi everyone. I am using a name changer for obvious reasons. Please be gentle, I already know I am the lowest of the low right now and I feel sick writing this.

My DH (mid 30s) and I (mid 30s) have been together for a decade and have a beautiful daughter (6). Over the last year, our marriage hit a really dark, lonely place. We stopped connecting entirely.

During this low point, I did the unthinkable. I started flirting with another man, which escalated into a physical affair. I slept with him 3 times. It ended completely one month ago. It was a massive mistake, and it made me realize how much I actually want my marriage to work.

Since it ended, DH and I have been actively working through our issues. Things are genuinely improving, and we are finding our way back to each other. He has no idea about the affair.

I am torn apart by guilt. Part of me thinks he has a right to know the truth, but another part of me knows confessing will destroy him and blow up our daughter's stable life just to clear my own conscience. If I don't tell him, I don't know if I can live with the guilt, or if I should just leave him entirely because he deserves better.

I really need outside perspective. I'm adding a poll because I need to know what the consensus is.

If you don’t tell, you need to never, ever tell. I’m just really emphasising that here because a lot of people think that they can keep something like this under wraps but most people can’t. You need to commit to yourself forever that you’re never gonna say anything about it to make it work. If you have any doubts that you can manage that then it’s better to tell him sooner rather than later.

Also, do have an STI test beforehand, because he’d be completely within his rights to ask.

Don't confuse him having a right to know with you unburdening yourself. Leave if it is done and work on it if it is not. But if you tell him that's it and he cannot un-know that once it's out.

While I understand the logic of keeping it to yourself, I think he deserves to know the truth. You can't build back a good relationship unless it's based on honesty. He thinks you're both working on the relationship after a rough patch but it's based on lies. I would want my partner to be honest with me, however painful. To find out further down the line would be so much worse.

Of course you should, an affair is easier to forgive if you’re honest, if he finds out later down the line from elsewhere it’s not only an affair but the fact you purposely hid it afterwards

Most people will say never tell him but if it was me I would want to know. But I would also separate as a consequence so if you don't want that to happen you'll just have to live with the guilt.

It sounds like you didn't really have any reason to cheat and you describe it as a sort of 'escalation' out of your control but you made those choices, you took those steps, you made a conscious decision to lie repeatedly. I think you need to own it tbh.

I would normally say tell because I was cheated on and it hurt but seeing the stress it put on my son when I took the decision to leave was horrible. OP I won't condone what you did but each time you have a pang of guilt think about your child's stability. Take it to your grave for your child.

I Agree with the first reply. If you decide not to tell, you have to never tell. Is the affair partner known to just you and will he keep quiet?
what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, in my opinion.

I think you should stop thinking all about you and what makes you feel better and start thinking about your daughter. Does she deserve her life to be blown up if you tell and he decides to split over this? Can you afford to get a mortgage to keep her in the area with her friends? Etc.

Well i think you need to tell him OP.

Partly because he deserves honesty.

But also I don't see how you can have a good relationship in the future, no matter how hard you work on your marriage, if it is built on this massive lie. It will make a mockery of your marriage.

If you tell him then be prepared for the consequences.
If I was your partner I’d rather not know because knowing would completely change how I felt about them and the relationship would probably be so damaged that it would end sooner or later.
Ignorance is bliss.

DD1 blew up her entire life by telling her DH that when they were going through a difficult patch she had kissed one of her work colleagues, once only.

I would say nothing, ever, to anyone, and learn from your mistake.

It depends. Do you want to spend the rest of your life lying, every day, to the one person in the world you're expected not to lie to? To have him waste the rest of his life with a person in his head who doesn't exist?

Personally, I couldn't handle that kind of guilt.

If you have any respect for him whatsoever you need to come clean. Bad enough to be married to a cheat, don’t make it a cheat and a liar.

Of course you have to tell him, the comments here are insane. Tell him and he can decide what happens next.

Place marking so I can refer to this poll when a woman on here finds out her husband has been cheating. Most of MN tell the woman to forgive herself and forget if she has had an affair. Why is the advice not the same for men?

Do you want to stay married? Deny everything.

You have to tell him, how would you feel if he slept around behind your back. Tell him the truth and accept the consequences.

I know if this thread came from a man, he’d be absolutely roasted, told he’s put her at risk of STIs and will probably do it again…etc. The same should apply to you @SeaWave21

This is shit advice, if she wants to stay married. OP you’ve decided it was a mistake. Park it. There is nothing to be gained anywhere by Confession.

It's always the same on affair threads. Women are told to deny everything and not to confess. It is one of the stark differences in the way men and women are treated on MN.

I always refer to advice on this type of thread for when a man needs advice.

It’s because women cheat for different reasons - and I firmly believe that most men are as faithful as their options.

I think I’d have to tell, as it wouldn’t feel like a real relationship anyway after that.

@Mostlywilliow
So is this also your advice to cheating men?

What caused the affair to end? What you should do depends quite a lot on that.