DH texting personal secrets and lies to his mates

[Theangryonethsimorning]

I'm so upset and angry about this.

DH and I married for ten years. 2 kids. Both 40. Last night I needed some info and he gave me his phone to look on WhatsApp for it. It was within a message from a mutual friend.

I noticed a text in a group chat he has with his male uni friends, which prompted me to look in that group chat. I know I shouldn't have, and that it was never going to end well, but I did. Sorry.

Inside the group chat were so many whiny texts from his mates about their wives, their kids, their sex lives. My DH was the same. They also discussed each others sex lives and wives in graphic detail, including my own husband. Just in a couple of minutes worth of scrolling I saw him mention things about our sex life, my body, things I do that annoy him. And the thing was, a couple of the things were just complete lies. He was moaning about / sharing stuff in our marriage that wasn't even true.

I haven't yet mentioned this to anyone in real life. I understand that it was a private group chat. But he did give me his phone. I don't know if his gripes are genuinely felt (the ones based on reality) or if he is just playing along. But I can't believe he would betray our couples secrets like that, or that his mates do the same. Sad really as well as angry.

This absolutely. DH would be straight out of the door. I’m also quite happy for him to look at anything on my phone.

You need to stop apologizing for checking, he is your husband and there should be transparency between you and frankly respect for your wife is one of the most basic requirements of being a husband. Stop apologizing.

And your point is????

I’d say it all seems rather teenage and immature. The odd moan to mates,,well we all do it. But this seems worse, such intimate personal stuff shared and joked about with people you don’t know. And the criticism seems spiteful. I’d lose respect and trust after this.

Dick-pandering indeed! That was a truly ridiculous post.

There shouldn't be anything to snoop on.

I'd be printing it out and sticking it on his steering wheel. Bastard.

What you might say in a conversation to a girl friend is not the same as a Whatsapp group with multiple men being told about your pubes. Its beyond grim.

Ye gods...

What he did was 'not nice'????

What she did was equal to what he did?

What a steaming pile of hooey.

Her own husband discussed her body with a bunch of immature, sad sacks who he calls friends. They are all scum, and hopefully the OP will contct the wives to tell them what's going on in the group chat.

Because your husband and his friends are a group of stupid bros all busy trying to impress one another. They care only about the pecking order within the group and consider their wives to be possessions they can use to one up their stupid, immature mates. One has a wife who went to an appointment to get 'summer ready' - your H trumped his with 'mine got a Brazilian'.

It is playground behaviour - the boasting about 'my daddy' is now boasting/ moaning about wives - only disgusting and despicable because these are grown men seeking to improve their status in their group of saddos.

It shows they think only of their own status, and the wives (who no doubt cook, clean, and do laundry for them, contribute to the family income, bring their children into the world, and support them in every way they can) are only props in their lives.

I don’t discuss my sex life or my partner’s body with any of my friends. Do you? 🙄

No ne is addressing the very real damage this does to OP’s marriage and sex life going forward. How on earth can she return to normal intimacy knowing that he sees their private, sexual relationship as fodder for his sniggering boys group? This is such a contemptuous, misogynistic, homosocial male bonding ritual where the man’s sexual partner is reduced to her value in trade and gossip. No doubt the minimizers will deny it but the difference between this and the enormous dark web chat rooms where Pelicot offered up his wife for anonymous rape? Its a difference of inches. You none of you know how far these “friends “ and potentially strangers will go first sharing private sexual matters then voyeurism then action .

I could not continue in the relationship.Honestly. I would dump a boyfriend or a husband over this.

I have been thinking similar things. It's been a weird few days. I haven't mentioned it to him and I think I've been pretty normal. I've certainly tried to be. I just need a bit longer to process this and decide on a way forward. But it's hard not to be intimate with him when I normally am. When I shower or get changed or whatever, i act no differently if he can see me. But now I wonder if he is secretly thinking things and whether he is going to tell his mates.
Last night was very odd. The kids always stay at his parents on Fridays, so we normally have sex on Fridays nights. Last week I had my period so for that reason and general busyness we hadn't in a fortnight. God forbid I should ever have him 'begging' so we did last night, and obviously all I could think about was this issue, what he was thinking and if it would be reported at some point. Ideally I'd not have done it at all but I need to behave normally til I have decided what to do. And fathers day tomorrow so he would normally get more as well as a cheery family day. Ugh.

I am so, so, sorry. I just don’t see how you can ever not feel exploited and exposed to his friend group. No conversation, disagreement, or intimacy is too private for him to share it around, sniggering, to acquire some social clout with them.

Are you planning to talk to him about this? It's awful, I'm sorry for what you are going through & having to act normal & intimacy, it must be taking a toll.

Really?

Not to me it isn't.

I don't know what sort of women you know but none of my friends or work colleagues behave like that.

My first husband cheated on me but what hurt more than the cheating was that he was telling OW intimate details about our marriage.
Not only that but she obviously told her mates as these details (some of which were lies) came back to me much later by a roundabout route.
She was a lot younger than him so obviously immature, hence the tittle-tattling.

I'm a bit surprised about the 'it's fine to let off steam' messages. Letting off steam, to me, is confiding in a friend about issues in a relationship that are playing on your mind. NOT on a group chat for laughs, NOT giving gratuitous detail, NOT sharing embarrassing personal details and NOT exaggerating or lying. Appreciating everyone is different but this would change the way i saw him forever

And me. It’s silly boys stuff - leave him be. You shouldn’t have snooped and invaded his kindergarten group!

Who gives a shit?! If there was nothing to hide he shouldn't care about any snooping!

I don't think you need to carry on behaving normally until whenever. He doesn't deserve your intimacy after he's shit on you like he has. Ugh.

Agreed
It's only normal amongst chavvy, pathetic immature pricks

Only little girls have no pubic hair....are you a p@edo? Creep!

You obviously believe every woman who chooses to remove all her pubic hair is enabling male fantasies and that it's only for the male gaze,

You are a misogynist and a bad human, the sort that uses the victimisation and sexual exploitation of girls and women as a weapon, just horrid.

I could not stay married to such a toxic, misogynistic, insecure, pathetic man who clearly has zero respect for me as his wife, a female and just a human being.

Let’s stop excusing mens toxic behaviour like this.

You’re minimising it by calling it silly
boys behaviour. These people are grown men who are talking about their own wives (who they claim to love) like absolute dirt so how do you think they speak and treat women who aren’t their wives.