DH texting personal secrets and lies to his mates

[Theangryonethsimorning]

I'm so upset and angry about this.

DH and I married for ten years. 2 kids. Both 40. Last night I needed some info and he gave me his phone to look on WhatsApp for it. It was within a message from a mutual friend.

I noticed a text in a group chat he has with his male uni friends, which prompted me to look in that group chat. I know I shouldn't have, and that it was never going to end well, but I did. Sorry.

Inside the group chat were so many whiny texts from his mates about their wives, their kids, their sex lives. My DH was the same. They also discussed each others sex lives and wives in graphic detail, including my own husband. Just in a couple of minutes worth of scrolling I saw him mention things about our sex life, my body, things I do that annoy him. And the thing was, a couple of the things were just complete lies. He was moaning about / sharing stuff in our marriage that wasn't even true.

I haven't yet mentioned this to anyone in real life. I understand that it was a private group chat. But he did give me his phone. I don't know if his gripes are genuinely felt (the ones based on reality) or if he is just playing along. But I can't believe he would betray our couples secrets like that, or that his mates do the same. Sad really as well as angry.

You say 'of course I don't' but if you did want to talk about those things with your friends would it be wrong? It's not uncommon for people to discuss their sex lives with their mates.

I'm not saying you're wrong to feel hurt as you have your boundaries. And he crossed one, or more than one.

But to me I think it's human nature to sometimes say things like that. And it's just not usually seen by the person it's about. Not lying, but venting.

Do you think you can come back from this? Could he redeem himself?

I can’t believe anyone thinks this level of disrespect is ok. I’ve never discussed my DH’s genitalia with my friends and I’d be absolutely horrified if he discussed my pubic hair with anyone except me. This stuff should be kept private between husband and wife out of respect.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to stay married to someone who behaved like this but clearly I’m in the minority on this thread.

I think that it's all in WhatsApp makes it worse tbh.

I could understand chat getting out of hand down the pub or something like that, and maybe saying more than you mean to ... but to take time out of your day to message shit about your wife is gross. Not to mention people could take screen shots and share them.

Integrity is such an attractive quality. He has none.

I honestly could not forgive this. I’d never see him in the same way again.

I’m with you.

I don’t discuss our private or intimate lives with anyone, I certainly don’t make up lies to cast him in a bad light, and the people hand waving this away need to seriously raise their standards (or think about their own behaviour if they too engage in this kind of group chat).

If I had an issue I really needed help with/ to vent about, I would maybe talk to one close friend about it (without reference to anyone’s pubic hair!) but certainly not join in such a shitty pile on in a group chat.

This. Someone said it's normal to talk like that. Normal to lie about one's sex life as well?? 🙄

For some, I'm sure it's also normal for men to go on a lad's holiday to Prague or Thailand, get wasted and spend their time flirting with other women and worse. Normal in their world maybe.

Some strange responses on this thread.

I think if there were genuine concerns about intimate aspects of married life, it would be acceptable to confide in a friend in a respectful way. This isn't that. It's him lying, making me out to be sexually selfish, and discussing literally the most intimate bits of me and things we do in a flippant and completely dishonest way to multiple people who know me.

That does sound awful. I guess I was wrongly minimising it as potentially harmless venting but it's clearly way more than that. So yeah, I don't think there's any way to make it seem passable.

I’ve never discussed my sex life with my friends and they’ve never tried to discuss theirs with me.
This includes boyfriends long gone.
I would not be ok with this and as I’m terrible at holding things like this in I’d have to bring it up, not saying you should but for me I’d be boiling over!

Agree it’s unacceptable. I don’t discuss personal details of my DH’s body or our sex life. I would never criticise his body to my friends, that is really unkind. I don’t think a friend has talked to me in any great detail about their partners either, although sometimes they might talk about problems with sex eg post birth injuries.
I would be really shocked if I saw this stuff on my DH’s phone.

Make him tie a knott in it before you trust him to keep your personal info confidential.

Or seek legal advice.

I’d be very unhappy if dh had discussed our sex life in detail with his mates or even if he had complained excessively about me.

That would give me massive ick, and I’d give it so hard to respect him after that. It’s just so childish and try hard.

I don’t share intimate details with my friends, although occasionally conversations get into intimate emotional/psychological territory. I’d be really disappointed if I found out that dh did. It would be like finding out you’d married a 14 year old.

He sounds 13, what a man?!
Please don’t feel guilty for snooping, I’d snoop if I felt it was in my best interests.
I’d be going ballistic about this and would have thrown his phone in the bin where it belongs.

There's a difference between talking to your friends about your life and being disrespectful about your wife and your sex life to your friends stop trying to normalize it.

It's immature idiotic men who think it's fine to be talking to their friends about their wife's body, sex life and other personal information.

You don't have to apologize for snooping, j don't get this weird mumsnet narrative that because you looked at your husband's phone it makes what he did null and void, it doesn't.

Maybe the men you know.

I think this is horrible. Is he 12 years old?? I would never speak this way about my DH. I can only think of two reasons why I would be discussing my sex life with friends. 1) speaking in extremely vague terms and in a complimentary way (“Yes, it was lovely having some time together at the hotel when the children were at the kids club”) or speaking one-to-one with a trusted friend about a genuine concern or medical issue.
I have never - even when very young - spoken about DH in a derogatory way or commented in detail about his body.
I can’t believe there are people on here who think it’s normal.

I would create a group chat called "Dh's disappointing penis" and leave my phone out on the side unlocked.

I don’t think it’s particularly unusual for both men and women to discuss relationship issues with friends. I do think it is unusual to make up obvious lies though? That is what I find strange and yes, I’d be bringing it up with him.

It's a case of FAFO going through a single sex friends group chat is never going to be great. You're lucky you only found what you did, which is pretty tame, to learn the lesson not to do it again.

That aside, I think what is sad here is that you sound like before he's given you the ick, your sex life from your perspective was pretty good, having been in these men's groups and from many threads on here, I am always surprised how crap/infrequent some couples' sex lives are,

I would maybe take the fib of you demanding oral before sex as something he'd actually like to happen if it isn't already. This, to a man, is not a slight on you. I am a great believer that most men love a confident sexual woman. Also, he definitely would like you to have a Hollywood. That's not because he dislikes your current preference, but it's maybe a fantasy he would like as a reality, but he did not want to offend you by asking.

In conclusion, he has been a right bell end. He is a lucky guy, but possibly not as secure as you thought he was. He probably doesn't deserve it, but I'd get a Hollywood as a surprise, demand that he take you upstairs to give you the best oral of your life. When he says Where the F&%K did that come from? " I'd tell him and lay it out that you didn't like it, and in the future, can he please discuss with you like a real man, because you don't want to shag a stupid boy!!

This is such an inaccurate generalisation. I don't, and my friends don't either! I would be shocked if I found my husband having this sort of conversation. How disrespectful.

Totally agree!

Quite. I never have, either, OP.

I absolutely get why you are upset amd annoyed, I would be too. To me it would feel like a betrayal.