DH texting personal secrets and lies to his mates

[Theangryonethsimorning]

I'm so upset and angry about this.

DH and I married for ten years. 2 kids. Both 40. Last night I needed some info and he gave me his phone to look on WhatsApp for it. It was within a message from a mutual friend.

I noticed a text in a group chat he has with his male uni friends, which prompted me to look in that group chat. I know I shouldn't have, and that it was never going to end well, but I did. Sorry.

Inside the group chat were so many whiny texts from his mates about their wives, their kids, their sex lives. My DH was the same. They also discussed each others sex lives and wives in graphic detail, including my own husband. Just in a couple of minutes worth of scrolling I saw him mention things about our sex life, my body, things I do that annoy him. And the thing was, a couple of the things were just complete lies. He was moaning about / sharing stuff in our marriage that wasn't even true.

I haven't yet mentioned this to anyone in real life. I understand that it was a private group chat. But he did give me his phone. I don't know if his gripes are genuinely felt (the ones based on reality) or if he is just playing along. But I can't believe he would betray our couples secrets like that, or that his mates do the same. Sad really as well as angry.

I think it might well be. His mates and he are not bad men. All middle class professional blokes with kids. I suspect that this kind of stuff is completely commonplace. It's just not nice to discover that you're the subject of it and that your husband isn't a saint.

Yes Op, it's all your fault that your DH lies about you and slags you off to his mates. And you're so bad for snooping. Just let it go.

SARCASM. Ignore people saying this is a YOU problem. It's not. I'd be furious in your shoes, it's a terrible betrayal. No idea where you go from here. I'd feel so disappointed in him.

This.

Also his silly behaviour doesnt seem to me to be any worse than your snooping.

If a friend said to you that her DP had waxed his genitalia would you graciously smile and say " I couldn't possibly talk about Graham's grooming preferences"...or would you snigger slightly and say " wow...I wish Graham would tidy up a bit , he's like a bloomin gorilla down there"..

but there’s a difference between saying that, and outright lying that “Graham likes to shave it until he’s bald as a coot down there, as that’s my preference”, when that is categorically untrue!

You’re better than I am, because upon stumbling on that I would have replied there
and then roasting the hell out of him, his performance and his penis. Then he’d have good reason to complain that he’d be begging for sex and not getting any.

Yeah. And it makes me wonder why he lied. Was it just to fit in, or to try to impress? Does he secretly wish I would? Does he massively care that I don't? He has never mentioned it to me.

Like the sex lie. He didn't have to beg for sex. He never has to. I think we have a reasonable sex life and he has never complained about it or asked for more or different. He also made a reference to going down on me which wasn't a lie but was said in a way which makes me wonder about that too.

Curiosity killed the cat. And me, it seems. Wish I had never looked.

Crikey all my dhs chats with his mates are about cars, footie,work, stupid man jokes, and I don't need to snoop he messages his chats most evenings in front of me...if I ever read what you did I wouldn't want to be with him tbh I think it's revolting and very personal private stuff

So men need a safe place to tell lies about their wive's pubic hair?

Posters on Mumsnet don't hate all men, only the really shit ones who disrespect their wives and girlfriends to show off to their mates.

There seemed to be a lot of that too. Quite a bit of 'hilarious' joking about small teams in the world cup etc

A massive breech of trust by you, you haven’t just flicked onto this, you have trawled the whole thing… absolutely out of order.

That said, you have seen it now, and you clearly won’t be able to let it go - so you’ll have no choice other than to tell him you have read it, and how upset you are. He’ll be upset you have done what you have done, so be prepared for that

I have had a Best Mate for the last 40 years, we talk about everything together, if my husband read our chat I would be beyond upset, more because it would violate the privacy of my friend.

Then again, my husband would never go through my phone.

Yeh I think you both are in the wrong here. I think it’s quite normal for people to chat about their sex lives. Me and my girlfriends often have a joke about such things. This is the male
equivalent. The lies are weird though - but maybe to fit in or ‘look cool’ 🤷‍♀️ He doesn’t seem to have said anything mean really? Or maybe I’ve missed that.

You snooping through his messages though - massive break in the trust.

I'm sorry OP, so many men live to impress and get one up on their mates, at the expense of their partners. The SATC era is over, I don't moan to my friends about my husband because it's disrespectful, and I would never divulge details of our intimate lives.

What your husband has done is beyond the pale. People here will come for you for looking, and tell you it's not a big deal, but really, we are living in a time where we are continually lifting the lid on men's behaviour and seeing a lot of the awfulness for what it is.

He gave me his phone to look at something on WhatsApp. Fair enough I looked at another conversation, not just the one I was meant to. But it's not like I stole his phone.

I think saying (lying) that I had reduced him to begging for sex is quite mean. As was him saying that he'd had to go down on me to get it, with the eye roll emoji (the inference that I had forced him to do this is a lie, and obviously that level of oversharing with his mates, one or two of whom I see regularly, is embarrassing).

Are you friends with the other wives who are also being talked about. I think they should be aware that their husbands are sharing their personal details to. It’s disgusting.

Not really. I know the wives a bit but none are my friend friends.

He's gone too far with revealing details of your sex life, with men that you would presumably never reveal such information to. Yes, women do talk, but I think it's just different when it comes to men revealing very detailed sexual things about their female partners.

On top of that, his lying is a turn off in itself. Lying that you've had a Hollywood wax like it's a game of up-one-manship😂😂😂Pathetic.

As was him saying that he'd had to go down on me to get it, with the eye roll emoji (the inference that I had forced him to do this is a lie, and obviously that level of oversharing with his mates, one or two of whom I see regularly, is embarrassing)

Your husband is not on your side OP, and he doesn't respect you. The lying, that eye rolling emoji is meaningful. This is less about genuine sharing and frustration, if it ever was that, and more about having a joke at your expense. He's deriding you in front of other people in the most intimate way someone can do that, in order to put you down and to elevate himself and gain sympathy. I would view this as a betrayal.

Hmm, but laughing derisively at his locker room talk, need to impress his mates by putting his wife down and making shit up ... it's not exactly the foundation of a healthy relationship, is it?

"Ho ho ho, my dh is a weak misogynistic braggart with his mates, how hilarious. I really respect him and am not contemptuous at all, ho ho ho."

I would agree with it if the comment was made to one person. But it was a group chat, which feels different

Are you for real?

So what if she looked at his messages? You're actually think it's ok for him to slag off her body and their sex life to his mates in a thread where they are running down their wives and kids.
This isn't griping about Sheena not emptying the dishwasher or Mary not parking the car straight, this is personal, intimate stuff that should be kept private between a couple.
If he had any gripes, he has a mouth doesn't he? He has always been able to bring up any grievances with OP yet chose to slag her off behind her back.

I think OP would know better than you if they are lies.

You're making out like what she's done by looking at his phone (which he gave her permission to look at) is worse than him being disloyal and a liar, and your post smacks of victim blaming.

I never slag my husband off to anyone, if I have an issue with him I talk to him.
And I would certainly never discuss my our life with anyone other than him.

You bitch and moan about your husband to your friends?
Why?

It's not nice to hear your relationship being discussed but the thing is it's his life too. Would you not talk to your mates about him sometimes?

And let's face it. We all know gushing about how perfect your relationship is isn't half as entertaining conversation as moaning a bit! It's called letting off steam.

So it's much more about what he actually does and how he behaves than the things he gossips about with his mates in private.

I talk about him to my friends, but I don't lie about him and I don't discuss/lie about our sex life or his private bits to them. Of course I don't.

This.
Can't believe so many PP are defending his repulsive behaviour. There's a huge difference between having a moan about your partner or making vague references to sex and being downright disrespectful.

Can you not say one of the wives asked about your Hollywood wax and then get him to show you his phone to check the messages?

It is normal. You're not wrong to dislike it but it is normal for men to talk to their friends like that.