DH texting personal secrets and lies to his mates

[Theangryonethsimorning]

I'm so upset and angry about this.

DH and I married for ten years. 2 kids. Both 40. Last night I needed some info and he gave me his phone to look on WhatsApp for it. It was within a message from a mutual friend.

I noticed a text in a group chat he has with his male uni friends, which prompted me to look in that group chat. I know I shouldn't have, and that it was never going to end well, but I did. Sorry.

Inside the group chat were so many whiny texts from his mates about their wives, their kids, their sex lives. My DH was the same. They also discussed each others sex lives and wives in graphic detail, including my own husband. Just in a couple of minutes worth of scrolling I saw him mention things about our sex life, my body, things I do that annoy him. And the thing was, a couple of the things were just complete lies. He was moaning about / sharing stuff in our marriage that wasn't even true.

I haven't yet mentioned this to anyone in real life. I understand that it was a private group chat. But he did give me his phone. I don't know if his gripes are genuinely felt (the ones based on reality) or if he is just playing along. But I can't believe he would betray our couples secrets like that, or that his mates do the same. Sad really as well as angry.

I know I shouldn't have but I looked again last night when he was in the shower and I knew I'd have time. There are worse messages, more lies, and similar stuff about all the wives which may or may not be complete bollocks. It's horrible. And yet to me face they and he couldn't be lovelier.

Your husband is not a gentleman OP. Simples.

You must have been reading for ages! Come on now. You're minimising your snoooing by pretending that it was only for a minute..

The first time was literally a couple minutes.

If it's as bad as you say, I think you need to have a conversation where you tell him that you do not want your sex life discussed with his mates. You will need to confess that you saw the chat though.

I know some women discuss their sex life with their friends, but it's not something I'd ever do.

Can’t believe anyone thinks this is normal behaviour from these men !? I’d be very very upset and angry if my dh did this and it would massively make me question what kind of man he is . Why do these men feel the need to bash women ? And make up lies to further bash them !? I’d be taking pictures aswell cos once they find out someone’s seen they’ll all be deleted and you could be gaslit into it wasn’t that bad blah blah

It obviously depends on your husband but if it were mine I’d sit mine down and say I don’t mind him joining in with the lads a bit but I felt really hurt and a bit embarrassed by some things I’d seen on his messages when I used his phone. I’d ask him to please respect my privacy as his wife and not talk about my genitalia to them: that’s a line and crossing it is too far for me. I’d also add that lying about having to beg for sex is also a put down and shames me to his friends and it’s not on.

I know my DH would be embarrassed and apologise. Only you know your DH.

I don’t get this issue with snooping. DH can read whatever he wants on my phone because I’m not doing anything wrong.

Irrelevant. Stop the shit stirring.
@Theangryonethsimorning you are going to have to address this as it is going to keep eating away at you. It has already had an effect with you looking at his phone again. This will only increase if it's not nipped in the bud now.
Tell him you saw the chat and explain how it has affected you. He has not only disrespected you but your family unit including your children. If he gets defensive and tries to.mimimise then that opens up a new can of worms. Good luck.

So he vents to he's mates what's the big deal ? Noone bitches about women that do the same but it's only a problem if it's a man doing it

I have been married for a long time and I would find that behaviour very disrespectful and disgusting. Having a joke with very close friends in a tongue in cheek manner can be forgiven (getting carried away in verbal chat) but what you are describing is a betrayal of trust and quite strange. Most people in LTR don’t discuss their partners body and grooming habits via text - I would imagine it sometimes happens in a jovial way after a few drinks or over a lunch etc but not written and what feels a critical way. Do these men go away for nights away together? I would be worried about that if yes as they have all vilified their wives. I’m sorry this has happened, I don’t know how serious it is for your marriage but I would be asking you husband to go through the messages and talk about them. I would be tempted to say you got an anonymous message from one of the other wives telling you about the chant and ask to see. That would put a fox among the pigeons. That does seem very over the top so maybe just say I read them and now feel (add the feeling) I’m so sorry and totally understand how this has made you feel. In my mind those things are totally private and critical.

I really don’t think I’m a prude but this would be an absolute horrific thing for me. We actually have an agreed rule that we don’t talk about our bodies or sex lives with friends - to me it’s basic respect for the person you love. If we needed support we’d go to counselling.

I’m amazed the people who think this isn’t a big deal. In a long marriage, assuming all else is well, I would book a marriage counsellor OP and try to work through this. But I would experience as a betrayal and need to heal from it in the same way.

I love how you think that it's OP who needs to learn her lesson while her juvenile disloyal husband is completely let off the hook.

As for your suggestion that OP should reward his pathetic behaviour by having a Hollywood wax, I've seldom read such dick-pandering nonsense on here.

He is actually making up horrible lies about her which could possibly be marriage ending as his lack of love and respect for OP which he has shared with his twatty mates is something that will be difficult, if not impossible, for OP to forgive and forget.

OP on MN people are weirdly accepting and encouraging of total lies. I find it utterly bizarre and if this happened to me I would be very unhappy.

It's a total betrayal of boundaries imo. Lying about sex acts and talking about your pubic hair etc is sort of the behaviour of someone quite unhinged!

I feel a mixture of anger and sadness, and also sadness for him. I feel sad that he needs to lie to try to fit in. We have a good sex life, I take care of myself grooming-wise. Obviously I would rather he didn't mention that to his mates either but why lie about it to make yourself seem hard done to?

I don’t have these sort of conversations with my friends, certainly not on a group chat and certainly not about such intimate things.

I might mention something silly he had done (but I also include silly things I have done) but would never slag him off in a group situation or discuss our sex life and I would hope he offers me the same privacy and respect.

I might talk about a more serious issue if I wanted advice but it wouldn’t be done in such a way everyone can have a laugh and mock him, so not on a group chat for example. I would hate to be mocked by his friends

So what are you going to do about this OP?

This is horrible OP, I’m really sorry. I find it really weird that some posters think the snooping is worse than discussing the most intimate details about your wife with your mates and making up total lies about her.

Why did you snoop, out of interest? I don’t condone it, I just think it might be worth exploring why you felt the need in the first place. Sorry if you’ve already mentioned and I’ve missed it.

I find all this ‘women talk to their friends about their sex lives’ really surprising too. I don’t, and none of my friends do either. I have, in the past, had friends come to me about sexual issues, but that’s in a one-to-one situation and more discussing how it’s affecting her emotionally than the intimate details. Along the lines of finding sex difficult after birth, for example. And that would be done face to face, in a situation where we both know that the other wouldn’t dream of discussing it with anyone else.

The line for me is that the tone should never be mocking, or making a joke out of something intimate. And it shouldn’t involve really private, intimate details- we’d never talk about our husbands’ pubes, for example.

Do you know the other guys' wives well enough?

Here's my suggestion:
Say to dh that "Emily" has asked you about something because she was quite concerned to hear it from Dave. That you (your dh) have been suffering from severe erectile dysfunction, pubes falling out and developing a new kink for armpits, which you're worried about talking to me about. Is there something you want to chat about, because I thought everything was fine?

Then when he denies it, say it must be that Dave was making it up or heard it from another friend who was making it up. Try and work out where this could have come from.

Really quite horrible if some weirdo makes up lies about these things, isn't it?

Ok ok... not sure I'd actually do this and I'm in danger of becoming one of those MN posters that suggests unhinged behaviour to match unhinged behaviour...! But worth thinking about how he'd feel if his mates believed a load of personal stuff about him.

Eta... and the intention would be to come clean and not actually let him carry on thinking this has happened! Which would probably just give him "due cause" to get annoyed with you. So don't actually do it...

Trust has gone. Only you can decide what’s next

divorce ? Or to try and work at things

dh lies about the most stupid stuff and pisses me off so much. Or should I say ex dh. I divorced him. His lies didn’t help but divorced due to drinking

he still lies. Stuff over me. His health. What he’s been doing or not doing. What he is drinking etc

some are huge whopper porky and I think people can’t beleive that …. But no one calls him out on it

anyways back to you

yes friends chat about sex lives etc but the lies would annoy me. He’s trying to act big in front of his mates and put you down. Both are wrong

He's an absolute dick!
It's never acceptable for your DH to talk about your sex life. It's private. Appalling behaviour.
Sorry OP

For women who do go into intimate details about their sex life and body parts etc of their DH in a group chat, are you happy for your body and sex life to be mocked by your DH’s mates?

I would be uncomfortable being intimate with him ever again. Plus you have definitive proof he is like Jay from the Inbetweeners when it comes to the opposite sex. It would be a massive ick. But not sure where that leaves the marriage because breaking up is easier said than done.

The bar for men is so low for so many women. Of course it’s not ok for a group of friends to be slagging off their partners for a laugh, and sharing intimate details with each other at their partners’ expense.

Your husband’s primary relationship is with his mates, not you. Your relationship is joke fodder for his mates. It’s a far bigger betrayal than reading his WhatsApp messages.

It’s sleazy behaviour from your DH.
My DH & I are separating and do not have a good relationship, but I would be very surprised if he shared these details with his friends. He just wouldn’t.
I might complain to my friends about his messiness or taking me for granted, but I would never go into intimate details. That would be a horrible betrayal and invasion of privacy.
Making up lies about it is tragic and immature, that would give me the ick.
I don’t think you have done anything wrong in reading the messages.
I’m not sure what you do with the information, but I might be giving his friends a wide berth.