DH texting personal secrets and lies to his mates

[Theangryonethsimorning]

I'm so upset and angry about this.

DH and I married for ten years. 2 kids. Both 40. Last night I needed some info and he gave me his phone to look on WhatsApp for it. It was within a message from a mutual friend.

I noticed a text in a group chat he has with his male uni friends, which prompted me to look in that group chat. I know I shouldn't have, and that it was never going to end well, but I did. Sorry.

Inside the group chat were so many whiny texts from his mates about their wives, their kids, their sex lives. My DH was the same. They also discussed each others sex lives and wives in graphic detail, including my own husband. Just in a couple of minutes worth of scrolling I saw him mention things about our sex life, my body, things I do that annoy him. And the thing was, a couple of the things were just complete lies. He was moaning about / sharing stuff in our marriage that wasn't even true.

I haven't yet mentioned this to anyone in real life. I understand that it was a private group chat. But he did give me his phone. I don't know if his gripes are genuinely felt (the ones based on reality) or if he is just playing along. But I can't believe he would betray our couples secrets like that, or that his mates do the same. Sad really as well as angry.

Well it’s completely normal to have conversations with your friends about your life. No one finds it weird when women talk about their husbands, their children or their sex lives.

What specifically were the lies? Is it a lie or is it just you and DH viewing things differently?

What is the reason you started reading through his other messages to begin with?

I think that is a real betrayal of you and your relationship OP.

If he has issues about your sex life or your behaviour has annoyed him then he should have been talking to you about them so that both of you could have discussed and worked on your marriage .

And to discuss your body with his friends is absolutely horrible.

That his friends were also doing the same with their partners is bad enough and says an awful lot about his friends but ultimately it was down to your H to show you respect and loyalty.

I don't see how you can trust him now.

You’re not wrong to be angry and sad, that’s awful behaviour. You’ve basically overheard a conversation that probably happens down the pub/on the golf course between men and their friends. Don’t you ever blow off steam about DH with a girlfriend?

But clearly the content has crossed a line. What you do about it is hard. If you talk to him about he’ll accuse you of snooping and that will just derail the conversation. You can allow that and take the accusation and still keep the conversation on track but it will be uncomfortable and hard to get through his moral high ground defensiveness.

Your last point is the crux of that conversation. Are they genuine gripes, does he really feel that way? Focus the conversation on wanting to solve genuine gripes rather than (only) complaining that he shared secrets. That was WRONG and I am not excusing him.

If you believe there’s an ounce of truth in his complaints and you want to fix them, you go one way. If you believe he’s being a twat and nothing he’s said is true, you’re married to an immature disrespectful idiot who gets wound up by his whining mates - and you go another way.

I guess I’m saying - ignore the way you found out. Because now you know. What do you want to happen?

Firstly you snooped in messages you shouldn’t have. That’s a breach of his trust and I’d feel very betrayed if my dh did that on my phone.

To discuss your body and sex life is not nice and I’d feel very upset if I were to find out my dh had done that too me but what I would ask is
Is what he said lies? Is that how he has perceived situations? No one can tell here and only you will know that. How is your marriage otherwise?

Everyone needs an outlet sometimes that isn’t their spouse or partner and he may have crossed a line but so did you looking at personal messages with no reason too.

No it is an actual lie. Not a difference of opinion. There were two. One referred to sex on his birthday which he said he had to 'beg' for when in reality we just had sex like we always do. And the other referred to my bloody pubes. His mate was saying that his wife had gone to get 'summer ready' I think was the phrase, and DH said that I had got a Hollywood wax! Just a completely made up story.

I can't believe that either that is considered an acceptable topic of conversation or that he would just make stuff up.

Yuck! Your DH and his mates sound like immature teenagers who worship Andrew Tate. I would tell him that I had read the texts and ask why he is being so mean and disrespectful and actually making stuff up to look like a big man to his shitty mates.

I certainly wouldn't be having sex with him again as he will just go online to slag you off and criticise your body.

I had this view when I was in my early 20s. But I’ve been married for 10 years now and I would be absolutely furious if they were discussing intimate details about me. Got an issue with our sex life the only person you should be raising that with is me, a doctor or a therapist. Not your twatty mates on WhatsApp

Sounds like he is trying to impress his mates, going as far as to make stuff up so he can relate to them. I’d be furious but also have the ick that he’s such a try hard that he’s had to make stuff up

You really shouldn't have been snooping, which makes it awkward to raise this with your husband. I'm not defending him, but do you have a habit of prying? That said, his complaints about you were bizarre and I would feel upset about that. I just don't see how you can raise it with him.

Don’t do this 🙃what stupid advice. Op you shouldn’t have snooped on his private conversation. It’s his safe space with his friends and I’m sure you would not like it if he did the same to you when you trusted him.

dont listen to the “I hate men” brigade on here who will encourage you into an unnecessary argument with your Dh

just let it go

I would be cross and sad about this too OP.

The thing about having to beg for sex - it's like he's making stuff up to try and fit it? In a way, I would be less annoyed about this than if he was moaning about things that were actually true. This implies he hasn't got anything to moan about which is a good thing!

Duplicate post.

It’s gross. I hope it’s not normal. You have every right to be revolted.

This post hits the nail on the head!

id be livid if that was my partner.

I'm going against the grain here... I'd be laughing that my DH felt he needed to lie to keep up with or be in with his mates.
It's all rather little boys on the playground saying " my dad's bigger than yours".
And don't you ever have conversations with friends about your DH or their DPs ?
If a friend said to you that her DP had waxed his genitalia would you graciously smile and say " I couldn't possibly talk about Graham's grooming preferences"...or would you snigger slightly and say " wow...I wish Graham would tidy up a bit , he's like a bloomin gorilla down there"..

Obviously if it's the former well done you for being so superior to the rest of us ...who generally do share details of our lives with our friends that perhaps in hindsight our partners might not like us sharing

Let it go...leave him to his silly WhatsApp group

You know your DH is lying - how do you know the others weren’t lying too?

give it a few weeks then drop in that you are considering a Hollywood wax. See if he reacts.

I agree with this, tbh.

I agree that, whilst not ideal, the content of the messages don’t outweigh the snoop. Unless there are other issues at play - I would let this one go (and learn a valuable lesson that ignorance is (most likely) bliss).

The double standards a wild as women typically discuss their sex lives with their friends?! It’s just because it’s offended you that it’s a problem, but morally it’s fair game.

The lies are unusual but really depends what they are and whether it’s just a different recollection of something that actually happened.

I would hate to be discussed like that but it is quite common in friend groups. Much better not to snoop or eavesdrop.

Thanks everyone. I agree that the snooping was bad. But I didn't have the self control to see the message and not snoop further.

The lies are very odd and may be to do with trying to fit in or impress or whatever. I guess I am more concerned with the couple of things he mentioned that are either true or could be perceived as true. And I do feel a bit betrayed about him talking about our sex life and my private parts. The clue is in the word private. I have honestly never discussed either of those things with my friends in relation to DH. Boyfriends previously yes, but not my actual life partner. I know others do and that's fine. But I don't. Maybe obliquely sometimes but never as blatant as that.

I think as he actually gave you the phone to search WhatsApp, you could say that the group chat popped up on search results and then you saw the other messages. Maybe try a head tilt and "darling I was really sad to see those messages, are you unhappy with our sex life? I'd rather you talk to me than your friends if you are" rather than staging a "how dare you" confrontation. He will hopefully feel mean and silly (as he should), apologise, and tone it down in future.

I think I'd ltb.

Can’t believe some women actually think this behaviour is normal.

I mean, women bitch and moan about their husbands all the time - why should men be held to a different standard?