Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

@mummy917

I am still waiting for this anger to arrive

It may or it may not. The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. And it sounds to me as if you're already getting to that point and there's nothing wrong with that. And anger (if it comes) when partnered with indifference is extremely powerful.

He will no doubt say it’s my fault for something along the lines of “everything was already in your house because that’s where we all lived, you knew I had nothing at mine.” I can just imagine it now.

"Well then you should have known what you would need and planned accordingly" or "Well, you don't live here now so you better do some shopping". But probably better just to say nothing and let him splutter into silence when you don't jump in and offer to let him take whatever he wants. That's what he's expecting, no doubt.

As far as his complaints about being skint, I'd let those just waft over me. Or at the most I might say "I guess you'll need to manage your finances better in the future, won't you?" if you don't mind provoking him.

I think I agree that all his 'poor me' is directed towards the divorce and any potential settlement. He's trying to get you to feel sorry for him.

He said he couldn’t take them to school or nursery until payday as he’s skint and I got the impression he was hinting at me offering him money, which I didn’t do

You couldn't make this up

You’re doing so well OP! Has he rented the new place? Will all the kids be in one bedroom?

The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference.

That is so true. But I never realised that was the case til I got there. My ex is now a piece of history, nothing more.

I had the same thing. You don't actually realize that you no longer care until all of a sudden it hits you, whereas you know you hate someone 24/7. The 'hate' is a constant heavy load. Indifference is an invisible and weightless shield.

Hate wastes so much of our precious 'emotional coin'. And that's 'coin' that we should be spending on loving ourselves.

So he's defaulting on the 50:50 before he's even had his first weekend with them. He is lying about the petrol, it gives him the excuse to have them for only 2 nights instead of 3. Could you not tell him to get them ready on Monday morning and you will collect them, on the proviso this is the only time you will be doing this. You need to nip this in the bud now, otherwise he'll be running circles around you.

It’s so true. I think nothing of my exh now except when he tries to screw me over . I think of him like a wasp who’s just an occasional annoyance but generally doesn’t enter my head .

How has he been with you since he left? Have you received any more abuse from him?

And it would be ironic given that he got arsey when OP offered to help him find a fridge which he didn't already have.

He really has absolutely no clue does he?

He decided months ago that he wanted out of the marriage, and therefore he would have some element of solo parenting. Its not like this was only sprung on him yesterday. Can't afford petrol, yeah right !!!

Hmm. It would be interesting to know what his response would be if you offered to pick them up on Monday morning! Sounds more like he has plans for Sunday evening somehow. Selfish, selfish man.

I mean I could definitely offer to pick them up Monday morning, I think I will test that theory and see what his reply is.

He has been civil with me, no more abuse or anything like that so far. He hasn’t had any reason to though, because contact has been extremely minimal.

I also sent him a text telling him about his share of the utilities and said I was assuming he’d be working out his outgoings in the next few days as payday is coming up. I just got a “thanks” in reply 🤣

"He will no doubt say it’s my fault for something along the lines of “everything was already in your house because that’s where we all lived, you knew I had nothing at mine.” I can just imagine it now."

And of course you will point out that his tattoo money would have been better spent on making sure the children had what they needed at his rather than expecting you to just provide it all.

@mummy917

I mean I could definitely offer to pick them up Monday morning, I think I will test that theory and see what his reply is.

I wouldn't offer to pick up on Monday. No matter what you say is the reason the message he'll get is that you're willing to do the transport if it's 'inconvenient' for him, and he'll always find a reason it's inconvenient. And then when you refuse to do it if he does ask he'll say you're being uncooperative and 'controlling' to 'make him' transport. Begin as you mean to go on. Give nothing, expect nothing and you won't be disappointed (or blindsided). He needs to really understand that he's on his own through his own choice. If he needs help, let him look elsewhere.

Just let them come home on Sunday. At least that way you'll know they get their baths, homework, and some 'wind down time'. At this point who gives a shit if he has 'plans' for Sunday evening? Not you. Your concern is your children, as it's always been. Plus, him bringing them home early can go down in your log as him not spending all his agreed upon time with them.

I tried speaking to him before he had the latest session of his tattoo and asked him if he thought the £400 could be put to better use for things he needed for his new house. I got told that his money is none of my business anymore and that I was trying to control him again. So I don’t think I’ll go down that road again.

He wants it to be none of your business but keeps telling you he’s skint? That makes no sense.

The man is a walking contradiction.

Back to "there we are then" instead. You are a better woman than me as I would have to say something.

Funny that he doesn't see it's controlling to expect you to pack and provide for them when they are at his isn't it.

Yes - agree with all this!

You could mention to him that he chose to become a single parent, and chose to make you one too. So his home environment for his children and all the things they need and consume is his responsibility.

There we are then.

Am I the only one that’s hoping he offers to pick them up on Tuesday so the OP can add in a C U Next Tuesday?

LOVE it 😂

Perfect ‘ There We Are Then, C U Next Tuesday (or Thursday also works) 😂

Op I think you’ve got the right idea to pack the essentials that will impact your children if he’s disorganised… suncream, hats, one pair of PJs and one outfit change, 2 bedtime nappies (older clothes to be worn to their Dads and for their spare change)
and nothing else.

As his money was none of your business any more, he is fully independent of you so only send hats and sun cream to reassure yourself. Anything else could be deemed to be controlling, patronising. Don’t give him a chance to level an accusation against you.

Will be interesting to see when he wants to have them after Sunday. I’m waiting for the text off him to ask if I’ll pack a bag for them. I know he’ll have no clothes for them. I can’t send them with no change of clothes or pyjamas, I just couldn’t do it. He will have to figure out nappies though, as many people have said, it’s easy enough to pick a pack up from a shop.