Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

I know I will, they always know how to keep my spirits up 😊

No.

Just no.

If he's too stupid to realise that his 2 year old twins are going to need nappies, that's on him. He'll have to go and buy some, like OP has to.

Or get a Deliveroo order sorted for anything they need.

The kids won't suffer, he has options...

I'm firmly in the camp of this is what he wanted, let him get on with it.

I think you should realise that whatever you do this first time will be the baseline he will expect going forwards. If you send clothes I would frame it as clothes for him to keep at his place going forwards- splitting the assets from your shared home. Otherwise you can bet you get them all back - dirty - and the expectation you always pack for them. Likewise sunscreen - give him an open bottle ‘in case he didn’t have a chance to buy any yet’. This way next week you don’t need to pack anything because it’s at his place already. And he will have had plenty of time to wash the clothes himself.

To everyone saying 'oh, he might not remember nappies/potties/toothbrushes etc - this man decided months ago to leave his wife and 4 children, and move out.

He has also insisted that he wants 50:50 custody of the kids (although is nowhere near that so far, and we all know is highly unlikely to stick to it going forward).

He's had weeks and weeks to think about and plan for this.

It should not be up to OP to provide or remind him about anything.

He can use Deliveroo on Friday for anything essential they need that he's forgotten, and go to the shops to buy anything else on Saturday.

If he hasn't got enough money left he'll have to use a credit card or, the ultimate humiliation, ask his mum to help.
(And maybe reconsider the ££ he spent on that tattoo that he 'just had to have').

I'm glad you've got a fun outing with your friends to look forward to, @mummy917

Tell him that to avoid constantly having to pack and unpack bags you think it’s best to have a full set of toiletries etc at each house. If you have any spare potties or anything like that offer them to him.

The kids will survive but if he just doesn’t step up and they come home in soiled clothes for example I would be prepared to contact social services. It is not your job to teach him how to care for another human being. Your job is to look after the kids and you can use the resources and support agencies available for that.

my ex was awful,with toilet training and stuff like that. So many examples of him just “not noticing” that a kid had wet themselves or shat their pants or something. And he never would have stepped up, because to “step up” you first have to realise that you are underperforming.

I'd send a nappy for each child wearing them. Literally one each child that needs them. And nothing else.

He can use loo roll and water if he's not thought to buy wipes.

He can always get a deliveroo or Tesco whoosh within an hour to his house with anything he hasn't thought of.

Like everyone else has said. He has had weeks to think what his kids will need and get it in place. Suncream I'd send a bottle "I've just bought a new one so I thought you could use this one up at yours."

Clothes that stay at his.

Also send them in "playwear" as anything nice or special likely either won't come back or will come back stained. I speak from experience.

He needs to have EVERYTHING in place for them and if he hasn't he will have to figure it out quick.

Don't suggest or provide. (Other than a nappy or two, and some suncream). He can figure it all out himself.

Don’t send clothes. If the kids end up in dirty clothes for a couple of days it’s not the end of the world. If he asks he can have some, if he doesn’t let him figure it out himself. Yes when he realises he’ll probably come back to you asking why didn’t you provide everything and you can just say oh you didn’t ask I thought you’d have what you need.

But I see your concern with the sun cream. Worst case here is much worse than dirty clothes so I’d make an exception and ask him when he picks them up do you need sunscreen for them or hats?

Food, nappies they will cry about so he’ll have to figure it out pretty quick.

I’m in the send nothing camp. Possibly some old clothes and open sunscreen as a starter, but make it clear that it’s a one-off, and that you dont want them Back (filthy). Please don’t continue to facilitate his crapness, he won’t learn that way.
On a lighter note, I was in the sauna today and a very well groomed and tattooed man came in. On his belly, in large script it said “ getting back in the groove “, and I wondered how many kids he’s left with a ‘controlling’ wife in order to do that.

@mummy917

I agree, suncream only. The rest he can figure out for himself. With all the 'instant delivery' websites there are out there, he'll figure it out. But I have a feeling that he'll probably call Mummy if he gets in a bind. After all, that's a woman's job isn't it, to make a man's life easy? Phfffft!

I will send suncream and hats. I have a feeling when he comes to pick them up on Friday, that he’ll ask for clothes to keep at his house. I know he won’t have even a pair of pyjamas for them. He said to me last night that he’s skint but had already done a food shop so there’s stuff in for them for over the weekend.

Because you can somehow magically afford to provide twice the amount of clothes and other things needed for 4 children? Ha, nope!

I’m afraid I would leave him too it. As awful as he is, he won’t let any actual harm come to the children and it will give him an….interesting insight into what you actually do? If he wasn’t such a massive turd, I’d actually feel sorry for him! 4 dc? His eyes are going to be well and truly opened! This “find myself single life” isn’t going to happen. There we are then……🤣🤣🤣

Oh absolutely - four children on a 50/50 basis will be no walk in the park for him and will seriously cramp his style!

He's only moved out a few days ago.

He maybe knows what the kids need.

Whether or not he can be bothered is another matter.

I'd send them in the clothes they go in.

It's going to be warm enough to wash & dry them whilst there.

Warm enough for no pjs.

Unless you have any clothes or pjs you were about to get rid of.

But you can't be controlling him now!😉

OP what do you have planned / set up for when they get back? With my 3 year old, I often get emotional collapse (I do suspect he is ND) and I have to carefully manage the transition back to mine.

They’ll be coming home on Sunday afternoon and I’ll be doing baths and making sure my eldest has done his homework while he’s there. Sunday afternoons are usually spent in the garden if the weather is nice or something inside that’s relaxing before they’re all at school and nursery on the Monday. It’s my opportunity to get uniforms etc sorted too and bags packed ready for the next day.

I will see how they are when they come back but I do think they will enjoy it. I only have worries about my 4 year old daughter and her settling at night as she doesn’t do well sleeping away from home.

Just a thought on this one, perhaps get all the bits for Monday ready and out of the way while they are away (as much as you can) so that you can just be with them on the Sunday in case you are dealing with a lot of emotional dysregulation and you may feel more relaxed with all your bits done?

@mummy917 worry ye not ... His house will be her new second home so she will be fine (soon) and her Dad can settle her in the meantime.
As well as suncream, do ask kids to take a teddy / stuffie each who can live at Dad's and keep an eye on their bedrooms when they aren't there ... So not their favourite, but a trusted toy who will be happy to see them and equally happy to wave them off to Mum's again.

There We Are Then

I’ve read so many threads where kids are sent in pristine clothes and return in dirty too small clothes. There is an argument that because you split it would be fair to send some clothes over but that could set a precedent of you providing clothes that return too late, or not at all, and of course, it’s ‘controlling’ behaviour (lol). Your time of being supportive to him is over. I think you have it right for this weekend, to send over the basics and see what happens. If you believe he will hassle you for clothes at the door this weekend, have a change for each, in a bag, ready to hand him so that there is no delay and no reason to have him standing at the door or entering the house. There is some argument that he should have a share of what was there to begin with, with one change in hand he can build up a stock of clothes.

If it were you that left the family home you would have it all planned for and you would know what 50/50 meant, you’d have pre-empted their needs and asked to pack some clothes or bought some, plus nappies and the rest, and you’d have been thinking of the kids rather than literally taking furniture they use and nothing for them. I reckon your ex is in for a shock. Like you say, he’s never really managed all four alone, I’d be getting in a big order of popcorn as it will come in handy the next few weeks.

Courage for the handover and the return OP, the firsts will likely be difficult but you are the calm constant in your kids lives and you are doing a brilliant job.

I’d send them with a few basics you don’t mind them leaving there. Add a note/message-
I’ve sent a few bits and bobs over for the kids this time, as I know you will still be getting settled. I’ll assume you have everything in hand for them next time.

The school uniform will be the biggest issue- that’s most likely to end up accumulating at his if he gets them from school and returns them to you.

You're doing great, OP, and making lots of sense in how to move this forward with as little upset and disruption for the children.

I think Sunday will be tricky so try and keep plans loose -

I'd suggest trying to remember to be Fun Mum as well as Boss Mum. Four children, school changes, potty training, house (and garden) to run, job to return to in a few weeks - it's going to be challenging. I'm a bit concerned that Dad time will be no-consequences mad fun while your concentrating on trying to keep children clean, fed, etc. It's not about competing with Ex, you need to be having fun with your children too in this unsettling period for them.

He’s skint? You shouldn’t have got that tattoo, Twatoo.
He clearly has not thought a single thing through.

Could you send extra over with the kids this weekend and tell him that those clothes are to stay at his as his clothing. Then that stops him sending dirty clothes back with them for you to wash and means you don’t have to send with clothes going forward. Sets expectation clearly, while being reasonable to start with.

Meant to say, if he sends any back dirty then just keep them at yours and he will be short next time when they don’t take clothes over, so will learn he can’t do that!

Even though he’s skint he’s prioritised doing a food shop for the weekend. Is he trying to reassure you or is he seeking a pat on the head? I suspect the latter though he’s intent on presenting the former as someone thoughtful and considerate (mowing the lawn, etc).
This is cynical but being strapped for money gives him an inroad into you supplementing (indirectly increasing the money he has for himself), organising (‘controlling’), carrying the mental load while he freeloads. He’s severed the ties and should now be a fully functioning parent.
Hats and suncream, minimally as you mean to go on, with purely the focus on your children, seems fair. He’ll have to cope won’t he?

I personally wouldn't be spoonfeeding him when it comes to the children (my ExH once bawled me out down the phone for not providing him with a moses basket for our 10 month old daughter 🤦‍♀️🤣). Otherwise, you're still carrying the mental load when he has the children. He needs to learn for himself, and as you highlighted, he may also just accuse you of being controlling. Let him screw up a bit, the kids will be fine, he will - hopefully - come to realise the level of heavy lifting you did with the children, and you'll get a mental break.

Also, be careful with clothes. It took me a while to realise that I was packing the kid off in nice clothes (Monsoon and Next etc) and would get them back wearing clothes that would have been turned away from a jumble sale.