Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

You're handling it well and it's to be expected that your DC at various points will have difficult understanding/accepting it. It's all so new for all of you. As for you doing his thinking and planning for him (sending him nappies and potties, etc), please don't. Let him realise he's not understood everything that's involved in caring for his DC. If he calls you to ask to bring them to him, it's up to you to decide what to do then. But really he needs to have his house kitted out with essentials his children require. That's not your problem (although I understand you won't want the kids inconvenienced by it).

Surely he’ll have thought of nappies and I’m sure he’ll have a fabulous weekend potty training the twins 😂. If he hasn’t though of nappies he can take them all shopping. Realistically unless it puts the children in danger I’d leave him to it. Let him struggle and realise what mental load you’ve been carrying.

Let him realise he's not understood everything that's involved in caring for his DC.

Exactly. And if he needs to he can go to the shops to get nappies like anyone else.

Totally agree and let’s face it he has a mother who can help him out if necessary . He has repeatedly accused you of being controlling @mummy917 so now’s the time to leave him to it and let him sink or swim , don’t remind him about anything .

@mummy917 - Honestly, while I know exactly where you are coming from with regards to your children's comforts while they are with him, whatever happens they will not come to any harm for 3 days at his. I would NOT remind him about anything at this stage and if he complains later that he wasn't prepared/ you didn't make sure they had everything you just say that now you are separated, that's his job and you are no longer controlling anything to do with him and his responsibilities, which is what he wanted. Wasn't it? I would leave him to sink or swim for 2 or 3 weeks and let him see what the fall out for him is if he doesn't plan things properly? If you do it right from the beginning, he's going to just carry on as he always has done. He needs to start recognising ALL the things he needs to think about if he's going to have them 50/50.

His mum isn’t the most reliable person so I doubt he’d go to her. I do want him to work out for himself what looking after them consistently entails and that you need to be organised and always one step ahead. I won’t be offering nappies or to give him potties, and I really don’t think he’s grasped all of the little bits that the kids need, that he will now also need to think about. Even down to something as simple as toothbrushes and toothpaste.

It's laughable, isn't it, that historically women have always been considered the 'weaker' sex. I read threads like this, where the man has walked out on his family, and realise the opposite is true. Women are warriors. We keep going in the face of all types of adversity. Often we don't have a choice, but we just get on and do it, unlike these pathetic men.

Well done OP on saying that you didn't need his help with the mowing. Every time he offers to do something, remind him that you don't need him. Should he ever ask you how you are (won't hold my breath that he will), then be sure to say how well you're doing. Maybe add that you're actually shocked at how happy you are (even if it isn't true). It'll annoy him no end to think he isn't needed and you're perfectly content without him there.

Could you sent the children off with a minimal starter pack of nappies, underwear etc. and ask him if he wants you to give him a list of things he’ll need. That can’t be construed, by any reasonable person, as being controlling, only helpful. If he says yes (please) you will have been helpful and if he says no then it’s on him.

It is difficult when you think there’s a real danger of the children going without necessities but he should be able to parent.

I’m afraid I would leave him too it. As awful as he is, he won’t let any actual harm come to the children and it will give him an….interesting insight into what you actually do? If he wasn’t such a massive turd, I’d actually feel sorry for him! 4 dc? His eyes are going to be well and truly opened! This “find myself single life” isn’t going to happen. There we are then……🤣🤣🤣

This is what I meant about the list in my earlier post. Letting him fail is one thing, but of course you want to protect your kids. He needs to be told about having all the stuff at his house. Told that he has to "duplicate" the home situation. Toothbrushes, toothpaste, etc. The kids do not arrive with packing like they are going on holiday. He probably hasn't even thought about this and thinks it will all just drop out of the ceiling.

Be very careful of what you do on their first visit to stay with him.

Anything you do for him now will be expected and he’s likely to try and punish you if it doesn’t materialise in the future.

I think that you’ve already split their clothes? I wouldn’t even offer him the car seats if I was honest. Really, let him figure this stuff out for himself.

You’ve said you’re a fixer, his time for you fixing things for him is well and truly over.

Nobody is going to die because they don’t brush their teeth for one night and he can go out Saturday and get anything he’s forgotten . He has created this situation and @mummy917 shouldn’t be aiding him in the slightest , he’s made it very clear that he neither wants or needs her input in his life .

Honestly unless he asks, give him nothing, even if the children go without having their teeth brushed on the Friday night it won’t hurt them for once and he can grab tooth brushes on the Saturday morning. He deserves nothing and your kids aren’t going to be upset that there are no toothbrushes or nappies etc. He’ll have to sort it and it will be a valuable lesson for him.

How about:
"I know you hate to feel "controlled", but let me know if there are aspects of the children's daily routines and necessities that you aren't familiar with, as I'm sure we both wish to ease the transition for them."

We haven’t split the kids’ clothes, it was something he didn’t even seem to consider when he left on Saturday and I’ll be honest, I haven’t reminded him. So I know I will have to send some clothes with them when they go. I might just say “oh I knew you didn’t have clothes, but I assumed you had everything else they will need while they’re with you.”

And I know he should be thinking of this (especially with him being ginger himself), but I will be packing sun cream in their bag because I know he won’t have bought that and I won’t let them go without something as important as that.

Another one chiming in to say let him figure it out himself. Send the bare minimum, a change of clothes and some suncream. He will expect (I assume) a weekend bag packed full of their stuff and there's your chance to point out that he needs to have all of this stuff at his, organised by him. Point out that it's 'controlling' of him to expect you to have prepared it all.
In all honesty, the kids will be fine and they will all muddle through, and it will be a steep learning curve for him. But he will get there!

Absolutely just send clothes, nothing else. It’s up to him to kit his house out to accommodate his DC. He needs to buy potty’s, nappies, toothbrushes, wipes, toothpaste, child friendly shampoo, children’s bedding, appropriate plates, cutlery, beakers etc. Do not remind him of any of this.
He accuses you of being controlling, so really don’t be. Children are adaptable and will cope without their teeth being cleaned initially.
Besides, if you send too many of your essentials you can guarantee those things won’t come back, which will inconvenience you.

I think it's an admirable choice to pack the things that would be negative for them if he forgot (sun cream, nappies etc) and I'd do the same. But try and identify the difference between Needs and Wants- they will come to no harm if they don't have the perfect pair of shoes, or a hairbrush for a night.
You don't need to rescue him, he is also their parent, please remember nobody did it for you and you have managed to work out what they need, and he will too.

If he's remotely a dick about you having "forgotten" anything, grey rock him and then chuck the "control" comments at him- I didn't want to be controlling, I knew you were capable, you will know they need Toothbrushes/ whatever.

Also make sure you have something planned to look forward to on Saturday so that you view it as a real treat and not an absence. I think perhaps that "crash" you are waiting for could creep it's way in sometime then, as you head into the second night without the kids.

I think you're inspirational with the grace you've handled this with.

Have you made any plans for this weekend? Try and treat yourself to something nice, even if it’s just a relaxing bath, a trashy movie and an early night.

Did he ever remember about your daughter’s settling in day at school?

I’m meeting my best friends from work for some food and I honestly am so excited for it! Yes I do agree I think that’s where the crash will happen when they’re with him for the weekend.

I know you are all absolutely right in what you say to let him figure shit out on his own, as I had to. I’ll send them with clothes and suncream but everything else, he will have to figure out on his own. Again ladies, you are all so helpful and equally wise!

That sounds like such a lovely plan, I’m sure you’ll have lots of fun with your friends and colleagues.

Well done OP, you are handling this so well by being intuitive and putting your kids first. I daresay the kids might even enjoy the novelty of being at his new place and they might come back having had fun!
And enjoy your weekend- I would put money on him not sticking to the 50/50 in the long run so you never know, you may not get many! 😉

This actually made me well up - 'Women are warriors'. Sadly, I've been there too, husband of 25 years left us (DD and I) for OW, rewrote history etc etc. Unlike the amazing OP, I fought hard for our marriage and family and wish I had stuck to my guns when I first discovered him, with her, in our marital bed. I gave him chance after chance to make things right, and I now know that was never possible. and all it did was smash my self esteem and confidence. It definitely facilitated his 'uncertainty' ('I've made a mistake', 'I love you') and dragged things out unnecessarily.

If I could give anyone going through this any advice, it's simply 'know your worth'. I completely lost sight of mine, and I spent needless months crying for the man he used to be, grieving the future I thought we had. Now, 2 years down the line, I have bought him out of our family home, he barely sees DD and, whilst I'm still devastated about it all, I can acknowledge I'll eventually come out stronger. OP - the strength you have shown is admirable and I wish you and your DC the very best for your future.

I’m so sorry you went through all of that, I know how hard and devastating it is 😩

At one point, I’d have done anything to save my marriage and I did do the ”pick me dance” for a good while before I started to see what others were seeing in him.

It’s such a shame he hasn’t made the effort to maintain or repair his relationship with your daughter but ultimately it is his great loss, not hers.

I think when you’re in the thick of it, you do lose sight of your worth because you place the worth of your marriage and your love for your husband and family, above that. We are all guilty of it, it’s just a shame the husband’s don’t do the same!

It’s great to hear that you’ve bought him out of your home and you’re finally seeing that you will come out of this as a much stronger version of yourself. Thank you, and I hope you and your daughter have a bright and happy future too xx

I hope they do enjoy it, they need to get used to this new normal so I want them to see the fun that can be had while they’re with their dad.

I plan to have lie ins too which is totally unheard of!