Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

My son is 9 so cafcass may speak to him about what he wishes to happen if it comes to that

How would this work if, hypothetically, a 9 year old said they wanted to be with Dad 50/50 (or any other arrangement) but Dad doesn’t want them that often? I know the courts can’t force a man to have access, thankfully, but I am never quite sure why they get input from older children, when their wishes can’t always be granted?

Technically when he returns them , you shouldn't have a pile of washing from him that is theirs . They should also have their own nightclothes / underwear etc at his .
it's also not unreasonable to ask him to clothe them so that they leave yours in clothes you provide , spend the weekend / his time in clothes he supplied / and then return back to you in the ( now clean clothes ) you sent them in .
That is 50/50 parenting .
You shouldn't have to pack them bags and then have to unpack / wash everything .
Remember , they are not in holiday .

I agree with this. It’s also not really about forcing 50/50, I get that you are happy to have the children all of the time if it came to it, but it is in their best interest to have a set routine so everyone knows where they are going to be. I do think you need to push for and formalise that, so the children can be as settled as possible. It will also mean you can make plans and not have him then suggest that he will have them on X weekend.

Of course that doesn’t stop him letting them down when he is supposed to have them, and for your own sanity you can just prepare for that being the case.

Because they need to understand when either parent says the child wants x,y,z, that is actually the case. They explain to the child they might not get exactly what they want but 'the Judge' will take what they want into consideration.
In the Court's reasons for their order they should say what they have taken into account and if they made a decision which goes against the child(ren) why.

@mummy917

I agree with not forcing 50/50. For me, it's due to a combination of 'give him enough rope' and not upsetting the DC. 50/50 should be a 'joy', not 'forced' as a punishment. If he doesn't care enough to have his children every moment he can, that will be his misfortune. He'll pay for it later when the DC are older and he's treated as an 'inconvenience' by them. They will be much more concerned with their own social lives and activities than spending time with him. Just keep your log and keep things low key. But also, don't change or cancel plans for yourself and/or your DC you have made to accommodate him.

I also agree with not reminding him about DC's activities or school events. It's his responsibility to contact the school and arrange to get separate notices of upcoming events.

You're doing great and making wise decisions!

Sorry I have been quiet, I’ve tackled the mammoth task of the garden and it probably wasn’t my brightest idea in 28 degree heat 🤣

I’ve taken on board every bit of advice I’ve been given and am so grateful for it 😊 I will speak to him when he picks the kids up on Friday (he’s agreed to have them from Friday till Sunday) and will go from there. I’m also hoping I’ll hear back from my solicitor by then too.

OP I agree, trying to force him to do 50/50 isn’t going to do anyone any good. And also it’s early days, he only moved out a few days ago. You don’t have to force the issue right now if you want a some time to just process.

I would tell him not to worry about the grass, your male friend has done it. Has he? Who knows…. But it’s fun to play a bit. After all he’s had weeks and months of planning this whole thing behind your back.

How like a man to realise exactly what he’s lost one’s he’s blown up his life. So boringly predictable.

He’s messaged me again this afternoon whilst I was doing the grass, asking if he wanted me to do it on Friday 🤣 so he initially asked about Saturday when he thought he’d be having the kids from Saturday but now he knows it’s from Friday, he’s wanting to kill time by doing that. I told him it was practically done and I’ve had no reply.

That’s what I keep thinking, it’s still only very early days, he’s only been left 3 days and we are all still adjusting to the way life is now.

Id keep your responses absolutely minimal. You dont owe him any explanations about your home.

"No thank you. What time are you collecting the children?".

This is a perfect response. You owe him no information outside of the children.

You are doing amazing OP - this stranger is so proud of you!

I think you’re doing brilliantly OP. The only thing I’d advise against is talking to home about the schedule face to face.

You need evidence of he’s not offering 50/50.

Id be tempted to message him something along the lines of “Looking at next week, what days and times are you offering to have the DC?”. Leave the ball completely on his Court and you’ll have a record of your offer and his response.

You’ve been so much already and sorting out things verbally has probably always been the way you’ve worked together so it’s a change but one that really is in your interests to get used to and quickly.

As for the App, is there a way that you can suggest it to him as though it’s going to be good for him?

You are doing the right thing. Just keep calmly amassing notes to evidence how much time he has actually been looking after the children. Keep communication calm factual and focused on the kids. You can then evidence that you are the stable parent focused on their best interests and evidence that he isnt actually doing any parenting.

I know the whole situation is very dark but OP you have to laugh at this man’s desperation to cut the grass. Was he ever this desperate to do so when he actually lived in the property he now wants to maintain?

He honestly cannot cope at all that you did all you could to help him move out so you could have the house to yourself. You didn’t cry and beg him to stay. You’ve changed things around and you are surviving. He’s flabbergasted by it. He thought you’d be at the door throwing yourself in front of it begging him not to go. Offering all sorts to make him stay. And instead you have been dignified and wished him well. And he’s so not well OP. He’s not well at all because you’ve totally thrown his whole idea of who he is and now he’s faced with the fact he’s just another man who walked out on his family. For what? We don’t know at this point. For some cheap affair most likely.

That makes me feel really quite…..stabby!!!!! I am so sorry he did that.

Do send him a list of basics that he will have to cover for the kids, like -

Food x 3 meals a day plus snacks, drinks, give examples and remind not junk-food fast-food options. Fresh fruit, veg, fish fingers, peas, mash, blah blah EVERY DAY

toiletries and suitable bath / shower / teeth products, hair brushes, fresh pyjamas, blah blah TWICE A DAY EVERY DAY

Clean clothes, extra clothes, underwear, footwear, and the laundry taken to keep those things clean and fresh

Bedding, towels, and that they need to be fresh and changed every week.

Facilitating any weekend arrangements any dates the kids have (birthday parties etc) including providing gifts, cards, and generally showing up.

Completing homework, being helpful, RAISING THEIR OWN KIDS, etc.

Contact details for emergencies like their doctor, dentist, plus having basic first-aid things in the house like plasters, antiseptic, and pointing towards what-to-do-when-kid-falls-off-a-swing.

Notes of any allergies, food dislikes, blah blah...

Obviously all the above is just the tip of the iceberg that he has no idea actually exists rather like the captain of the Titanic.

Oh no this would be 'controlling'.

However, it would be flaming useful.

His first couple of days looking after 4 young kids all by himself is going to hit him so hard. Would love to see what he looks like on Monday morning!

I am dreading having to remind him of everything he needs and if I hand him a list I think it’ll go down like a lead balloon and I will absolutely be called controlling again.

He’s FaceTimed the kids tonight and I was in another room but heard my eldest ask if he wanted to be married to me still and he said no. Even though I know this and don’t want that either anymore, it still stung. Definitely feel as though there is so many more ups and downs to still come in regards to emotions 😩

Hes made his bed OP. Let him lay in it. Or as my old Granny used to say
Be careful what you wish for, you might get it. This sums up your H perfectly. Funny how he keeps wanting to come round and cut the effing grass though…..

I’m so sorry, hearing it again is going to hurt. I hope he answered your son gently as it must have taken him a lot of courage to ask the question. Be gentle to yourself, you’ve been so brave and you should be so proud of how far you’ve come xx

Aw OP, bless your son asking that. Hope your kids are doing ok xx

I wouldn't be giving him any real help, I'm afraid. Don't micro manage, op. You will be called names again. He's a grown adult and they're his children FFS.

How about something like 'you need to work out what the kids need for whatever they're doing while they're with you. When they're with you, you are the adult in charge'.

Same as op will be, when she has them. I don't imagine op will be contacting the cockwomble asking what they need for school etc!

Btw, op. I think you are doing so well. It'll get easier and better. 🌺

I agree. Let him forget things he needs, and deal with the fallout. Perhaps then he'll actually see how much you did to keep things running smoothly, and he has to learn too.

I can imagine hearing your DS ask and your STBXH’s replay was hard but you’ve totally got this.

You are handling this like a Queen and I don’t believe for one moment the crash is coming. You’ll have ups and downs but better times are ahead and I think you know that

I think my son hasn’t really came to terms with the fact that this is permanent, despite me trying to explain it to him as best and age appropriately as I can. I honestly thinks his dad will change his mind and come home and everything will go back to how it was. I’ve said tonight that it’s not what daddy wants and sometimes these things happen.

The other 3 seem to be coping okay and they think his new house is exciting and a bit of an adventure.

It’s another situation where I don’t know what to do for the best; in one way I don’t feel I should help him, but then will the kids go without something they need? I mean he won’t forget basics like food etc, but I have a feeling he hasn’t bought nappies yet for the twins or potties now they’re potty training.

I feel at times it’s gotten much easier than it was a few weeks ago but then at times it hits me again that there’s no going back to the way we were this time last year, I struggle to still get my head around it at times.