Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

Hahaha I definitely liked the sound of a lawnmower that munched the grass 🤣 I’ll look into a battery powered one as it sounds like much less faff.

I’m not going to remind him again that it’s her first settling in day, she has two more over the next 2 weeks too and I doubt he’s remembered about those either. I very much doubt he'll even so much as text to ask. He’s back to work today so that’ll be his reason for not being in touch and then he’ll be so busy tonight sorting out his house to pick the phone up to them.

The kids have been fine so far, they’ve asked a few times where he is and I’ve just said he’s at his house.

Thank you, she’s excited to spend some time in her big girl school as she calls it 🥹

So when is 50/50 supposed to start, sorry if I have missed that?

And I assume he is aware that if he doesn’t do 50/50, then he will be paying CMS?

You're doing so well, in spite of his ridiculousness!

Please do keep a log in your planner/diary so you can evidence his lack of effort. Even if it's a note each day to day 'No contact from X with children'.

And on her settling in school days 'D's settling into school session. No contact from X with children.'

So you have a log and also can discuss with your legal team around custody.

I hope things keep getting more positive for you.

His ears must’ve been burning this morning because I got a text off him at half 7 saying “what days do you want me to have the kids from?” So I said why don’t you pick them up Friday and drop them back Sunday? And no response to that yet, but I’m expecting a no and offering to do Saturday and drop them back Sunday because Friday is his day off 🙄🤣

I have been keeping a log of everything and the lack of contact with the kids. I haven’t mentioned maintenance yet, but I will down the line if I need to.

I know not everyone will agree, but I am not going to force him to have the kids or push his 50/50 onto him. If he wants them 50/50 like he said, then he will make sure that happens off his own back. I’ve said it before that if he doesn’t maintain decent contact with the kids, the only loser is him.

Good luck to your DD today!

Do you think he is only saying 50/50 to avoid paying maintenance?

I found this thread last night and have speedily caught up - I just want to say you're doing amazingly, OP! Watching your journey from the first post to now in such a condensed reading session(!) is inspiring to see how far you've come. I agree with basically everything and I send you all the love and support I can. You've navigated this with love and care for yourself and your children. The kids are going to be fine because they have a strong, nurturing mummy xxx

Thank you, she’s very excited @PetulaGordeno

@MyOtherProfileat first I didn’t think so because I genuinely thought he wanted 50/50 but as time is going on, yes that’s where my mind is going more and more.

@Beccahmthank you! I have surprised myself over the last 3 months. I never thought I’d feel the way I do now, back then. I thought I’d be an absolute mess for at least 6 months, and I keep thinking I’m going to crash at some point. However, it’s helped that I’ve seen this side of my husband now which puts things into perspective for me so I’m hoping that at this point, I’ve done the majority of my crying.

If he’s a big football fan he might not want them on Saturday as it’s a big England game that evening.

Honestly op, I find his behaviour utterly galling on your behalf! You have 4 dc (I think?), he’s just fecked off and….left you to it! And now it’s “when do you want me to have the children” as if it’s your responsibility to sort that out and he’s doing you a favour?? I cannot fathom the mindset at all!!!

I think your approach to 50/50 is very sensible. Don’t force him. See what he is able to do naturally as that’s what he’s going to be able to commit to long term. Make a record of it all, and the facts can’t lie when you get to an official arrangement. How can he ask for 50/50 when he has proved from his own actions he’s not interested in it. The result will be him paying maintenance and EOW Disney dad which sounds like you are ok with.

If it gets to court and you have proof of offering him time with the kids and him turning it down you will look reasonable and he will look like someone who only wants the kids on paper to reduce the money he has to give you.

Yeah we have 4 children. He replied and said he would pick them up on Friday until Sunday so I’ll take him at his word and give him the benefit of the doubt. He hasn’t asked about our daughter’s transition morning though, so I’m thinking he’s forgotten it’s happening.

I am more than okay if he wishes to be an every other weekend dad, I’ll be sad for the kids but I don’t want to get their hopes up if that’s all he will end up sticking to.

I have downloaded a parenting app but do I need his permission to put his email and phone number into it? I’ve added my details but it’s then asking for his too.

Ah he will no doubt mention the England game at some point then. I think they’re playing tonight too so I knew he’d not be jumping to see them tonight.

Sorry, but my first thought was he doesn't have time to even think about the kids, because he is too busy sh@gig. Men totally lose their brains when they find another willing woman.
I know you don't want to do this, but if he insists on 50:50, in your place I would simply drop all 4 kids for 3-4 days in a week with him and absolutely refuse to take them back during that time. There is no way I would be a martyr and facilitate his departure and new life in any way.
I'm actually surprised you are not angry - you just seem resigned to it. I would be absolutely livid!

I’m not seeing myself as a martyr, just a mum doing what she feels is right for her kids.

I know I could drop them off and refuse to take them back so he does his 50/50 but all that would do is upset the kids, especially as it’s a totally new environment to all of them. I don’t want to force 50/50 on him. If he does it off his own back, then great, and if he doesn’t, then something will be put in place to say he doesn’t have 50/50 and he needs to cover the shortfall financially.

I get where people are coming from by saying I should make him stick to his 50/50, but if it comes at the cost of upsetting the kids, then it’s not worth it.

You should be proud of yourself, you are doing so, so well in an incredibly stressful situation. Regarding the 50:50, it's time for him to put his words into actions. Set clear and consistent boundaries from the start, if he is doing any less than 50% you absolutely must contact CMS.

It's my understanding that child support cannot be backdated to any date before the date of the claim. (I could be wrong about this.) So you might think about putting in that claim soon.

It's definitely not worth forcing him to stick to 50/50 but I think what people are getting at is aiming for 50/50 downstairs mean he can get away without paying maintenance. Lots of us have learnt, from bitter experience, that they often say they will and it never materialises and they should therefore be contributing to your higher expenses regardless of income.

My two have never gone 50% of the time to my ex and CMS was a pain to organise so collect your evidence up and start conversations sooner rather than later.

It's sad he will miss out on his children, but right now that's his choice.

OP, I can't remember the ages of the children but if/when you get to Court, if any of them are 7 or 8 or older CAFCASS can chat them about what they want. Children have an endearing habit of blurting the truth out to kind, interested strangers. 😉

I get this about upsetting the kids.
But the kids should know who their father is. Eventually, it's his choice to upset the kids, if that happens. I think people are correct about CMS, kids will need that money and he should pay for all 4 of them, not the state in form of benefits. I am astonished how quickly women try to be "above" all this and say "I don't need his money" cause the state will pick up the pieces. It should not be like this. He made them, it was his decision, too, it should not be so easy for any man to just leave and give up all the responsibility, cause the taxpayer will pick up the bill anyway.

Absolutely, they lose their brains. On one occasion, my ExH was five hours late to pick up the children. He said it was because the trains were cancelled.

When his credit card statement came through, it showed that the night before he was due to pick them up, he had stayed at a hotel, which was about 500 yards from our house. The cost correlated to a double room with breakfast for two.

Never underestimate their willingness to throw the kids under the bus when they have an OW.

It’s not about being above anything or saying I don’t need his money. I work full time so am a taxpayer myself, and yes at the moment I am on sick leave, but don’t plan on that being the case for very much longer. At the moment it’s still very early days and I am giving him the benefit of the doubt in regards to the 50/50 he has asked for. If he doesn’t stick to it, then I will be keeping a log of this and will take it to child maintenance.

My son is 9 so cafcass may speak to him about what he wishes to happen if it comes to that.

You do need to pin him down to a schedule for having the children , he may try to get out of having them or paying maintenance by saying ‘I asked when she wanted me to have them and she said 2 days , not my fault she wanted them back so quickly i would happily have kept them half the week ‘.

I’d make plans for Saturday night now for yourself that involve NOT being at home. You need to be able to rely on the arrangements he’s made and he needs to know you’re not a 24/7 back up.

A cordless lawnmower that munches is an absolute game changer for me. I got the GTech one and it’s amazingly good.

He's so desperate to feel missed and important he's offering to cut the grass, you can't help but laugh!