Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

For what it’s worth op, I’m cheering you on. Bloody good for you, not letting the selfish tit dictate how this goes! I foresee good things for you and your DC, the best is yet to come!!!!
And for him, I envisage him realising that the grass isn’t actually greener, it’s Astro turf and it’s burned his arse!!! When he does come sniffling back though, do try not to be too cutting in your rejection. I don’t think the poor lamb will cope🤣🤣🤣🤣

(not for ever, but for this week) call on your friends and their partners and your neighbours for 'garden support'. In your situation so many people will want to do something to help, but will not know what to do. So ask them. (bring petunias, bring sunflowers, bring vibrant geraniums in pots). On Friday have a big garden party where you and your dc celebrate your space and make it look fabulous.

Use the help of friends and neighbours to get the lawn mown and watered (it's going to be hot and dry this week), edges strimmed, planters overflowing with bright and beautiful flowers - especially the front garden / approach to your house... (I'm thinking a Chelsea Flower Show vibe). Buy whatever you can.

Involve your dc in the 'gorgeous garden project'.

So when exh turns up on Saturday, there is not a 'sad' bedraggled garden with overgrown plants, instead an F You riot of colour and abundance and joy. Send a garden message that you don't need him to 'help' with the grass, show how you are all flourishing without him.

Maybe seed the lawn with poppies spelling out There We Are Then...

I genuinely think he thinks I am going to implode without him here.

I’m not sure why men do this either @StooOrangeyForCrowsbut the ship has sailed and I don’t want him coming back. I don’t want him here for starters, but I don’t want the kids getting confused and lines being blurred. I don’t think my ex-husband regrets his decision to leave, I mean he’s got the freedom he always craved now.

Yes I do agree the hope that they’ll pull their weight as an equal partner is what builds the resentment @Jamlighterand when you know they just can’t be arsed it makes you feel so frustrated.

Yeah @Iamnotalemmingmowing the lawn and gardening in general is much much easier than having to look after 4 kids/stop them fighting/keeping them occupied, so it’s no the wonder he offered to do that instead of actually taking them out.

Thank you @MrspatmoresapprenticeI really hope me and the kids have a lovely bright future. I don’t wish any bad on my ex-husband, I just want him to step up and do what he should as a dad now. I doubt he will come sniffing around again. I genuinely don’t think he wants to for a start, but even if he ever did, I don’t think his pride would let him.

This!

And this!

I remember when mine left. Next time he wanted to come by he just let himself in with his key, I hadn't even thought about him having the key with what was going on. When I asked for it back he was totally miffed and went off in a huff. You left mate you can't just walk in and out when you want, it is no longer your home by your own choice.
He didn't even come to the door after that, not that he came round much, but he would just wait in the car and text the kids. What a fool.

@mummy917 I guess what I'm suggesting in my previous post is channeling your anger, sadness, grief into something positive. Finding ways of involving your kids in enlivening and affirming projects that bring them joy (and joy to you too) but where there is also a wicked sense of 'There We Are Then'.

A neighbour has a very difficult situation with her ex partner due to her and their two children still living with her ex partner’s mother in mother's house. Neighbour is carer for her children’s grandmother and as she is the ex’s mother he is able to walk in and out of the house as he pleases whether it’s his time with the children or not. He often spends his time with the children in the house, in effect forcing their mother to go out because she doesn't want to be in the same house as him. The children get very confused.

My advice would be not to let your ex over the doorstep, whether he is offering ‘help’ or when he picks the children up or drops them off. It’s tough but ‘Daddy doesn’t live here anymore’ is the way to go.

I have asked a few friends if they can help here and there with the garden this week and they have agreed 😊

I’m so glad I have the key back off him, I don’t want him to come and go as he pleases and he needs to realise quickly that this is no longer his home. I don’t want the kids to be confused at all, I’ve been really clear so far that I have my house which is their home too and that daddy has his house which is also their home.

I’m hoping things will settle and we all adjust over the next few weeks and we can all start enjoying our lives again.

I think you’re amazing and you’re doing really well. I have read all your posts but not the full thread, so many apologies if this has been suggested by someone else. I would change his name in your phone to Twattoo, just as a reminder. I did that with my ex and he became Emotional Cripple. Stopped me answering when he called.

well done OP you are amazing. I bet he will come up with a few more excuses to try and pop round before he gets the message!

Keep going, you are doing amazing...

I'm just curious, how long are you thinking about giving him, before you apply for maintenance as this man has no intention to do 50:50...bet he hasn't booked half the summer holidays off?

I would love to be a fly on the wall the first time he has to get 4 kids up, ready and out the door on time, then go to work, leave pick them back up, and sort them ready for the same again the next day...

Excellent! You have set boundaries and expectations right from the start - this is definitely the right way to go and will provide the best foundation on which to build your new, happy life.

It great that unlike him, you seem to have lovely friends and neighbours who are happy to support you both practically and emotionally. This speaks volumes about you x

We are all cheering you on!

Whoop to your friends - white wine spritzers in the garden, sounds fabulous fun.

I was reading through Threads yesterday, passive aggressive Wedding cards to couples you don't like -

I wish you the life you deserve

To your Ex, I wish him the life he deserves.

I don’t wish any bad on my ex-husband

I do. And I'm sure the women of this thread will join me 😈

I mean nothing serious but something like incurable itchy, bleeding piles or terminally sweaty, itchy balls where he'll forever be known as the bum bleeder or ball scratcher/sniffer 🤣

I don't understand.
Your ex made 4 kids with you, including recent 2-y.o. twins and he left because he wants to sleep longer in the morning?
Do you know what has happened? Is it an affair? Sorry, I read your posts but I fail to understand what has happened.
What about his sense of responsibility towards his kids?
It should be criminal to just leave so many kids and leaving 1 parent to struggle alone.

I hope he steps on an upturned plug while he’s scratching his arse. And oh what fun he’s going to find out it is like missing having a garden in this weather.

If I were falling behind, I’d get a robot lawn mower. They do the job with much less fuss than an ex!

@mummy917

Oh please do this! 😂

Did you read the first thread too?

I wonder if the text was meant for someone else

Do you have a link to the first thread?

Here you go 😊

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5529293-husband-said-he-wants-to-split-up-and-ive-been-totally-blindsided?page=1

I agree @tinyspiny, he wants to see what's happening and also avoid looking after his children by "helping out" the OP.

Thank goodness you could change the tenancy straight into your name @mummy917, he has no rights to be in the house/garden unless you invite him - and that's not going to happen!

@mummy917

Do you have a Ring doorbell? If not, I'd get one if I were you. They have battery powered ones so no wiring is needed, great for rentals. It's just an added measure of security and 'comfort', knowing that you can see who's at the door before you answer it. Especially when you aren't there. He may have turned in his key, but that may not stop him from 'stopping by and checking things out'.