Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

I imagine he’ll wriggle out of having all the kids at once at every opportunity, probably opt for the eldest two. Apart from anything he’ll HATE that him having the kids frees up time for you to do things on your own. As much as he wants to be free and single, he’ll hate that for you.

Oh God, do you think he was hoping you would start sexting? 🤮

A few people have said that about the kids and thinking he’ll ask to split which ones he has. It’s not happening. He either spends time with them all or none. He can’t pick and choose. He’s dad to all of them, every single day, not just this one and that one on this day and that day. It wouldn’t massively surprise me if he tried that though.

And in regards to sexting, I really hope not 🤢 he gives me the ick now, so hell would freeze over before I ever took part in something like that with him.

... or something that rhymes with "runt"

This is totally true. They HATE you being able to enjoy yourself and often use the children as a way of controlling what you do and your free time.

Well this morning was the first morning I’ve been completely alone doing the school and nursery runs. I do them anyway, but he was usually around not really helping or doing the bare minimum. This morning it was so smooth and I had everything organised last night as I always do, but knowing I HAD to do it all by myself and not thinking he should be helping, made it much easier. I know it’s only the first day, but long may it continue like this.

I think you are going to find it easier than you thought. All of that negative energy gone.
There might be occasions when you feel it, it’s like grief for someone long gone.
But on the whole you will absolute thrive and so will your DC.

It's quite common to find things are actually much easier without them, I certainly found this to be much more straightforward. I knew what needed to be done, by when and where everything was. It's the realisation that they added to your workload!
Hope you didn't get any more late night texts from him?

Yeah I know there’ll definitely still be wobbles where the grief hits me, however I just feel an overall calmer atmosphere at home.

He text me this morning again saying “I’ll come over and cut the grass on Saturday if you want?” So I replied telling him no and he can take the kids out instead. Needless to say he hasn’t replied to that one.

And that the way...

He does get to "help" yoy. He gets to spend time with the kids as that should be his focus.

Nope. He is now sitting with what he has done and he doesn't like it. It is still all about him and how he is feeling. No care really for you and the kids. He is just missing what you gave him.
Sadly I know this also.
They always think the grass is greener. They need to realise, the grass is only green where you water it!

Re cutting the grass- think he’s trying to create a dynamic where you still ‘need’ him. Great response to him on that suggestion!
So glad this morning went well. There may be painful moments but I think you will feel lighter x

I don’t think he will ever think he’s done anything wrong in all of this as he seems to have convinced himself of the narrative that I’ve been controlling for 13 years. That must be why he married me and went on to have 4 kids with me.

Yes, I’m a firm believer in that saying.

There We Are Then.

I think deep down they know. They just never admit it. I think the 'control' they mean is the restrictions married life with 4 children naturally brings.
You are right to push away his offers, him doing things 'for you' is part of the ploy to show the outside world what a good person they are. Also making sure that he has all 4 children at once. Mine never had the children. I even asked as I was drowning and..nothing. Take care of yourself, you are doing so well.

Perfect response for various reasons!!

And the fact you found it easier because you knew it was just on you, and you haven’t got someone else around not really helping, is no surprise, people in similar situations to yours report that over and over again…

You’re doing great. Enjoy the time to yourself! Don’t put too much pressure on yourself either in your early free times. Sometimes just some nervous system reset time is the most helpful.

He’s gone! 🥳 We’re all so pleased for you!

Cut the grass? I think he wants to keep an eye on you. (Or possibly get something from the house)

Whilst avoiding doing the really hard job of looking after 4 children.

Did he leave the lawnmower ? He seems to have convinced himself that you can’t cope without him

He will keep on trying things like that you did well to say no. Its like he knew all your responses before but you are holdng a different 'hand of cards' now and he can't read them. I have been through similar and my EH's version of taking the kids out was to hang around in my house for ages mostly ignoring the kids and trying to convince me he had changed!

Yes he left the lawnmower but took the strimmer, however I can just lend my dad’s to do the strimming. The garden is high maintenance, don’t get me wrong, but I feel like if I can just keep on top of it while the kids are with him or at school/nursery, then it’ll be fine.

Yes, that was also my first thought when he offered to “help” me on Saturday; he just wants to make out he’s seeing the kids but getting the easy option of everything still being done here for them. It’s not happening.

You have to wonder what is going through his head?!
Why would you need him to cut the grass…. The man is laughable, clueless and I hope when he’s totally alone he is miserable….
Ive been following this thread and your previous one, you are an amazing, strong and resilient woman.
He is such a dick! x

@mummy917 you are so right in the way you are handling this, don't let him have his cake and eat it x

I think you will find lot of things easier without him. It's the hope that kills - you are doing everything to get them ready and just hope he will help, and he does nothing or the bare minimum and that's not what you needed. Now you can just crack on and get stuff done without the expectation of help and the disappointment of his failure to do so. Life will be much more even

Why do so many men become totally infantile when they hit a certain point in their lives? It's the weirdest thing.

@mummy917 's posts are near identical to how my ex behaved.

He left but kept asking to come back for ridiculous things and asking me how I was as if the only measure of his life was me and he was missing that element. I didn't answer ever and eventually he fucked off (and fucked up).

You are doing great!
And mowing the lawn solo is sooooo much easier than looking after 4 kids. Performative bollocks. Your response was spot on.

I think he's missing his home - now exclusively yours and the kids' home.

He was pretty shocked when you demanded his key back, and shut down his 'I'm moving out on Saturday but I'll maybe pop in on Sunday' nonsense.

He thought he could drop in and out of family life when it suited him, but you have shut all of that shit down.

So he's looking for reasons to visit, and finding out that there aren't any.

Oh dear, how sad, never mind.

There We Are Then.

I'm so glad your first solo school run morning went so well, but not surprised - you've got this.