Unwelcome return of my libido

[Bluepinkrex]

HRT and return of my libido. What do I do?
My DH went off sex a few years ago. It really crushed me for a while but I’ve worked through my feelings of rejection and made my peace with not having sex ever again. I’ve had a few gynae issues so my libido had dwindled to nothing. I’ve recently started HRT and I’ve become aware that my sex drive is starting to come back. I really don’t want this but I need the benefits that the oestrogen provides. I didn’t realise that this might even be an issue. I tried to discuss it with my DH at the weekend and he said ‘well don’t look at me! You’ll have to sort yourself out’
I can’t go back to ‘sorting myself out’ as it’s the loneliest thing ever. I’d just rather not have any drive. What do I do?

Some BP meds cause ED. Maybe discuss changing it with the GP as this might solve the problem for him (and you!).
You have too many years without sex in front of you to ignore this and it’s sad that he is disinterested in how it’s impacting you.

Not sure where you pulled that from - I think it’s gross to expect someone who doesn’t want to have sex / be intimate to give their partner oral sex or whatever just to please them. And the person on the receiving end is disgusting too if they know their partner isn’t into it and is still happy to use their partner like a sex toy just to get themselves off.

@Trotula he tried three different kinds before he found one that actually reduced his BP and didn’t make his ankles swell up. The trade off obviously is that it’s restricted all unnecessary blood flow/vasodialtation but it keeps him alive.

@Trumptontown I agree. I could not expect him to service me if he wasn’t into it. It would be a massive turn off for me.

@Trumptontown That’s exactly what I’m saying. Why doesn’t he want to? Where’s that level of care in their marriage that means this isn’t an option.

@DoubleShotEspressox tbh if he offered it I wouldn’t accept. I’d know he was doing something he didn’t want to do. He doesn’t want to because he’s got no desire to any more. I can’t change that. I have to accept it.

Is testosterone supplementation possible?

There's a lot of judgement in the term Raging Nympho, and there's a vast stretch of open water between wanting to feel connected to your partner through a level of intimacy that you don't necessarily share with others, and being a raging nymphomaniac.

Interestingly, there is a male term equivalent to nymphomaniac, but it's unheard of, because it's not needed, because we don't judge male sex drive in the same way as we do female.

I also think along with PP that you're doing more shrinking of yourself in this relationship than you are willing to admit.

Is there a possibility that he is also depressed? I suffer from long term (life long) depression. I was diagnosed young, medicated etc. My husband and I have been together for a long time. It took years for us to realise that he actually suffers from depression too. Our moods have a knock on effect on each other which affects our relationships. I think this is quite common.
Something that isn’t really talked about is how depression affects how you feel about other people, especially those close to us. It can dampen your feelings so they are still there but sort of not accessible.
Chronic stress and sleep deprivation can lead to depression. It sounds like your husband is under a lot of stress and five hours a night is simply not enough sleep.
It sounds like you are still depressed. I’m in the same boat as in I’ve managed to get to “good enough” and sort of given up.
Having read all of your posts, I think your priority should be getting a review on the treatment you are having for the depression to try to get your mood up. All problems are going to seem insurmountable when your moon is low.
Then just take things from there.

@Bluepinkrex Oh wow, that’s a difficult situation, i live in hope that one day my wife would suddenly start feeling horny again, not likely though, anyway as a man with a high sex drive i’m not sure i can quite put myself in your partners shoes and understand why he wouldn’t want it, if he’s having issues getting it up could he maybe see a doctor, he may not want it because he’s embarrassed about his old chap not standing to attention, would he be open to at least trying to fix it? If not would he be open to oral and whatever else tickles your fancy just so it becomes something you do together rather than in isolation, i personally hate going solo 😂

And with that the inclination.

He has made his feelings clear. You either accept that or you don’t but as you value your marriage I don’t think not accepting it is an option you want to follow.

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Sorry for the duplicates

@OMGDidYouSayThat thanks for sharing a man’s point of view. It’s useful to hear. He’s had his testosterone tested and he’s tried Viagra once. I think he’s just resigned to the fact that the moment has gone for him. I’m not about to start nagging him to shag me if he doesn’t want to.

Anyway, it still remains that I’m looking for any advice on reducing my libido. I can hope that once my HRT settles I get back to normal. Is there anything else?

Other than cold showers, pinning up photos of Boris Johnson and Elon Musk everywhere and tantric breathing practices, I've got nothing, sorry.

I do hope you manage to find a solution, i guess like me, you’ll just have to hope that one day he gets the horn again 😔

Did you ask for HRT or did the GP prescribe it because of peri/menopause symptoms? How long have you been on it and how soon did your libido come back after starting it?

I had patches for 6 years & then asked for testosterone because my libido was zilch, HRT did nothing for me in that respect - testosterone turned me into a nymph & sent me high so that was the end of that. What it did show me was that my 'machinery' did still work - a few months later someone next to us in a tent was smoking weed (which I hate) we were in our caravan & it must have drifted in because it had the same effect as testosterone. From then on things picked up for me - until my partner was diagnosed with high BP. Our GP didn't say anything about ED so we were just left to figure it out. Viagra worked but then he needed another BP med which meant no viagra. Some BP meds actually help male libido - the ones my partner takes all state they can help it but every person is different.

The worst part for DP is the inability to get physically aroused - the thoughts and emotions are there but nothing happens otherwise. He says there's no point trying to have sex because he knows he can't so it just makes him feel worse, and it's always on his mind. I don't put pressure on him, we talk about it often but because I know how it feels to have zero libido I understand that there's nothing he can do about it.

There are pumps you can get that give you an erection, we got one & it works but it feels different because it's not 'grown' in the normal way. Patients who have had cancer use them.

Wtf, pressing him into any kind of sex, when he has no desire for it is so rapey!

I don't think @DoubleShotEspressox is suggesting the OP forces herself on him (which is a laughable concept as she is unable to rape him in the true sense) rather that he considers his wife's feelings as there are numerous ways to enjoy sexual pleasure.

NHS blood tests have much wider parameters for what is considered a necessary therapeutic treatment, my dh nhs blood tests can back low side of normal , but they are still low enough to benefit from treatment, just not in the nhs.

It's bound to affect him in all sorts of ways. For any man who has had erections probably his whole adult life (and as a teenager), who is sexually active to then suddenly be faced with ED due to medication that will save his life - it's a choice of one or the other - ride and/or die so to speak.

Thanks @Afterthefact that’s some useful advice. I’ve been on HRT for a month now. So it is early days. And it is to combat the muscle aches and exhaustion I get from lack of oestrogen. It might just settle.
And I’m aware that my husband may not be as ok with the death of his libido as he makes out to be. But I realised a while ago that I cannot take asking and being rejected constantly so the safer option is to rule it out for me as well.

@BeSharpHelper would you mind saying how you resolved this, going through similar with my partner

@DoubleShotEspressox @TheCheekyCyanHelper although that's not really what the OP is saying is happening, you do raise a very valid point, there are so many people out there, probably more women than men who openly admit that they give in to the sexual advances of their partners as they feel is an obligation when you decide to spend your life with someone, it's an extremely complicated issue as on one hand i think it's admirable and the thought process behind it comes out of love and respect, somehow i can't get my head around how you could have sex with someone who wasn't really there if you catch my drift, i've been in both situations and i have to agree that when the woman (or man) doesn't show up emotionally when having sex it does feel wrong, not rapey because that would mean she/he didn't consent but it does feel like you are using them which is a major turn off, especially when seeing your partner get-off is what turns you on. I think this is probably way more common that we think, especially in long-term relationships where sex is often described as 'going through the motions'. Interesting subject.