Unwelcome return of my libido

[Bluepinkrex]

HRT and return of my libido. What do I do?
My DH went off sex a few years ago. It really crushed me for a while but I’ve worked through my feelings of rejection and made my peace with not having sex ever again. I’ve had a few gynae issues so my libido had dwindled to nothing. I’ve recently started HRT and I’ve become aware that my sex drive is starting to come back. I really don’t want this but I need the benefits that the oestrogen provides. I didn’t realise that this might even be an issue. I tried to discuss it with my DH at the weekend and he said ‘well don’t look at me! You’ll have to sort yourself out’
I can’t go back to ‘sorting myself out’ as it’s the loneliest thing ever. I’d just rather not have any drive. What do I do?

You sound like you've given up on life, joy etc which at only 51, with hopefully decades ahead of you, I think you'll come to regret.

I do think some people on here are unrealistic about men's sex drive. Yes, some continue as rampant devils into their 90s but 50% suffer Ed in their 50s. The op has not given up on joy in her life. It is not decades ahead of her without the joy of sex, unlikely she is going to be that bothered herself in a decade. There are of course some couples that are still at it like rabbits into the dotage but not many.

Would you say that to a man whose female partner didn’t want to have sex? Oh she can still sort you out, she has hands and a mouth.

Oh I gave up on joy and pleasure a long time ago. Depression robbed me of that. The happy pills keep me stable, but I have no expectation of deriving joy from anything. But what I do want to avoid is experiencing sadness and rejection, which is what the unwelcome return of the libido brings with it.

The OP is discussing 'getting rid' of her libido and has admitted she'd rather take a pill than eat. That all sounds very joyless to me.

And its not about being at it like rabbits into your dotage, it's about having an intimate, physical connection with someone you love. Whether that's piv sex or any other sexual act/intimacy and it doesn't matter if its once a week or once a month as long as both people are on the same page.

IMO the OP sounds thoroughly fed up and I don't blame her.

It absolutely does happen to men, at about the same rate it happens to women. My dh has started testosterone treatment and his libido has gone from nothing to through the roof , he has a group of male colleagues all waiting to see how he does before looking into it themselves . It’s an open discussion im his office the same as women discuss menopause symptoms .

Yes, and i do/have done.

I’m so sorry to hear that OP. I too have suffered with depression so I know how that feels. Just know you do deserve joy and I hope it comes back in abundance for you.

I think you need to reframe it a little because he is not rejecting you, it is his physical problem, nothing to do with you. I know it doesn't change the situation which you would prefer was different but it is definitely not a you thing.

This is interesting. I wonder if your husband would consider this? If the libido was increased then the viagra might work better.

I would leave.

@Bythecooker yes that’s probably good advice. Maybe I just need to ask him would he still want me if he could.

BP is not always about lifestyle and once you're on them , you tend to stay on them

He did look into the testosterone thing but the blood tests came back that he has a normal amount so I’m not sure anywhere would prescribe it to him.

It might if you’re overweight, a smoker, drinker and lead a sedentary lifestyle.
If he is and he changed his lifestyle fir the better he may not need to take BP meds.
The high BP may well have caused his ED but it could also be low testosterone causing ED/low drive.
He is not prepared to do anything about it at all.
I do find it interesting when a man or woman just unilaterally decides no more sex/intimacy, how do they think their partner feels?

I think the fact that he got it tested shows that he does care and does wish it was different. Again doesn't change things but does show that it's not a rejection of you.

🙄. I’m not going to explode my life, my home, my kids lives, my future just because my husband doesn’t want sex anymore. It’s not the most important thing in life.

My husband is on multiple meds for BP and post stroke conditions, he persevered with sildenafil (ie viagra) and all well. However we were both on the same page with wanting a sex life. Trying it once definitely isn't trying. I hope you can find a resolution to this. My libido did increase on HRT too.

I understand that, it's only my opinion.
If my Husband said something as cold as "you'll need to sort yourself out", I would question his feelings for me. You have already said that it was the lonliest thing in the world for you. I wouldn't want to live that life.

DH is 60 and on BP meds but still up for it, and from conversations with his friends' wives they are all similar (it's the peri women who aren't!) so that sounds like an unusual side effect for someone a decade younger.

Does your DH get enough sleep? Is his job very stressful?

Obviously I am not saying it is the same for you. I would have said exactly the same as you did. My husband felt a bit like a velcro husband. He was always there. He was always in the same room as me. Went to bed at the same time etc but there was time in the loo, shower, if I was out at the shop or gym things like that and also while he was at work. He didn't go out, didn't keep out of my way. I would never ever have even thought it, hence me trusting him so much.
He must have even been doing it while I was in the room at times. I never once checked his phone, I trusted him why would I.

Our lack of sex life was the start of the things which caused us to separate, no sex, no affection, no cuddles, I didn't feel loved. I didn't separate because of what I've said above, I had no idea before or during the separation, I separated because not being close to him in any loving way slowly killed me inside and in the end I couldn't bear not being close to him and he had no intention of being close to me. Now I know its because he didn't need me in any loving/sexual way he needed me to be his friend, look after the kids and give the outside world the mask that he was a 'good family man'.

I'm not saying your husband is addicted to porn or anything, I'm just sharing my experience. My marriage didn't end because I found out about porn and other women, it ended because of how I felt over many years of being neglected.

@LeftBoobGoneRogue his blood pressure is a combo of his genetic inheritance and extreme shift work. It’s why a lot of male shift workers drop dead at 60 when they retire as the body finally gives up over lack of sleep during night hours.
@Bythecooker he got tested because I was nagging him. At that stage, I had hope of a resurrection. The same with the viagra. He tried it, we had a disastrous attempt. He doesn’t want to go there again. I suggested he try it in a no pressure scenario (meaning without me) and he said that that wouldn’t work as he’s never got time for that. So that was the end of that.

I agree with this person that I would leave and sex isnt the most important thing in my life either. Its about the way he has acted around it. Didn't care the first time, doesnt care this time. He is basically saying his needs are all that matters, when he wanted a sex life you had it, when he doesnt want it, who cares what you want.

Plenty of people, men and women, go through phases of low libido, whats important is how they act. The fact he doesnt give a crap how you feel would be a far bigger issue for me than the lack of sex. He is telling you that your feelings and happiness are unimportant.

No wonder you feel no joy in life. I wonder if that would change if you had someone in your life that genuinely cared about your happiness.

Yes and all the men who have prostate problems often leads to them being unable to get an erection. Luckily Viagra works but my libido disappeared with menopause too so wasn't that bothered

@Wowisthisit oh god that sounds awful. You must feel so betrayed. 😢
If it’s possible in plain sight, then maybe my DH is also down that rabbit hole. Currently not willing to tackle that though.