Unwelcome return of my libido

[Bluepinkrex]

HRT and return of my libido. What do I do?
My DH went off sex a few years ago. It really crushed me for a while but I’ve worked through my feelings of rejection and made my peace with not having sex ever again. I’ve had a few gynae issues so my libido had dwindled to nothing. I’ve recently started HRT and I’ve become aware that my sex drive is starting to come back. I really don’t want this but I need the benefits that the oestrogen provides. I didn’t realise that this might even be an issue. I tried to discuss it with my DH at the weekend and he said ‘well don’t look at me! You’ll have to sort yourself out’
I can’t go back to ‘sorting myself out’ as it’s the loneliest thing ever. I’d just rather not have any drive. What do I do?

@AnnieApples I’ve got all of that stuff. It doesn’t stop me from feeling like I wished I wasn’t going it alone.

How long have you been on HRT? The only reason I ask is that some women do get a spike in libido after a few months being on it - but it only lasts a few months and then settles down again.

I'm sure your husband is a lovely guy, but are you quite prepared to spend the next 30 plus years without being intimate again? I was celibate from the age of 40 to 50, until I decided that I couldn't spend the rest of my life that way. I ended up leaving my husband of 30 plus years as I loved him, but the spark had well and truly left the building. He was my room mate, and I needed to feel loved.

I have been on HRT a year now, and I am in another relationship and very .... satisfied.

Does he show you affection in other ways? Do you still kiss etc?

Would he consider trying viagra again? There are different types so other types might work better.

@Wowisthisit oh god that sounds awful for you. I’m so sorry you went through that. I guess it’s always a possibility but I just don’t see how my DH would have the time or opportunity to. If he’s not a work he’s in the kitchen. If he’s not in the kitchen he’s asleep in bed!

Can you say this to him?

i also don’t understand your reticence towards masturbating. I think you should work on reframing it in your mind as a fun, you-centered, efficient way of fulfilling your needs - with a guaranteed orgasm.

Realistically, suggesting an open marriage would create huge problems in most normal marriages.

@Belladog1 been on HRT for 6 weeks. Maybe I just need to hold tight and it will settle.

@muggart as I had said earlier up the thread, I realised about two years ago all that masturbating does for me is stimulate more desire for sex with my husband. Who doesn’t want it. So I get rejected again. I can’t see any point in keeping my libido fires stoked just so that I can spend more time with a vibrator. I just want my desire to go away again rather than live with constantly unfulfilled needs.

@Bythecooker we kiss, but not snogging. So kiss hello, goodbye, good morning, good night. He works early shifts so he goes to bed about two hours before me. I creep in to bed and lie as still as possible so I don’t wake him (so no cuddling off to sleep).

Yeah, said it all over the past few years. It just is what it is.

I'm so sad for you, OP. I think you need some couples' counselling. Would you consider opening your marriage?

I think in your situation with the new situation you have an excuse for another conversation with him to try another type of viagra and how important it is for you. Failing that I do think that your libido will probably reduce again after first flush of hrt. If you still love him and want to remain married to him then if it really is a closed shop then you will need to find a way to accept it.

That's fair enough, but it also means you have 4 options:

1. Carry on like you are now.
2. Try and get him back in the mood to please you.
3. Have an affair.
4. End your marriage.

Either way you need to have a serious conversation with him. You're only 51, can you seriously see yourself dealing with this for possibly decades?

I think you're seriously overestimating the middle aged male sex drive!!!

@EgregiouslyOverdressed i was sad for me too until I accepted it. Now that my sex drive is back I feel like it’s picked open that wound again. I just want it to go away. Maybe it will once the hormones settle. I don’t just want sex with anyone, I want it with my husband. So an open marriage would not help. And anyway my body is battle scarred from age, pregnancy, weight gain, menopause etc etc. There is no way on earth that I would be attractive to anyone else. They’d have to be paid to sleep with me!!!

Exactly, regular are good for your physical and mental health OP!!!

And as for looking online for advice to lower your libido, why? There is nothing 'wrong' with you. Your libido isn't something that needs to be fixed. IMO, you should lean into it and enjoy it.

I would agree on this. Most of the men I know in their 50s are knackered. Their idea of a fun time is a nap in a shed with no one bothering them.

Imagine if your DH wasn't interested in food and didn't want to eat with you again. Said he wasn't hungry, and didn't want to discuss it. Your problem, I'm not getting involved with food ever again.

Would you be looking into appetite supressing meds? Refusing to make yourself a delicious meal and eat it alone, or refusing to consider eating with friends?

Libido is a really normal integral part of who you are as a living being, it's not a side quest that can be switched off and on. It's ok for him not to want to do it with you, but then that does leave you with a dilemma to solve. It's not particularly fair of him to say, your issue. It's a relationship issue, and if he's in the relationship it's his responsibility to stay engaged with the subject and with kindness, work out way forward that works for both of you.

@Additup there is a 5th option - get rid of my sexual desires and live together without conflict! No one is pressuring each other and no one is getting rejected. I know I’m 51 and I could live for another 30 years. But there is a freedom in being a non sexual being. I looked at all my posh, frilly, uncomfortable, impractical underwear that never sees the light of day in my drawer this morning when I got dressed and thought I should probably bin it all because it’s taking up space that some proper big comfy knickers could employ!

This!

I feel for you Op as when I first started on Oestrogel, I did turn into a raving nympho. Luckily for me my husband was only too happy to oblige. I did also buy an amazing vibrator that I also used regularly as I needed more than he could physically give! He was fine with it.

Things did settle down again after a month or so but it boosted our sex life & that boost has happily continued.

Disgust is inhibited by arousal, so if someone has no libido whatsoever these things are very likely to disgust them.

Personally I would not want a partner to just push through for me, even if they were doing it as an act of love if they were thinking I can't wait for this to be over (or worse) during. It would totally ruin it for me.

Suggesting people should just use their hands and mouths is often thrown out as a practical solution but it has a lot of flaws and wouldn't work for many.

@ArabellaWeird I get the analogy, but tbh I’d love to just take a pill rather than eat! Could not give a stuff about food. If he didn’t feed me I would live on toast and chocolate bars (like I did before we met). So that doesn’t really work for me. But I see your point.

He would also consider finding an alternative female/OW

Kindly OP, if you’re not having sex and given up on it for the rest of your life (through no fault of your own) and you get no enjoyment from food, where do pleasures in life come from? You have many years ahead of you and you deserve to enjoy them. I’m not saying food and sex are the only pleasures in life of course.

Also I’m really sorry that your husband reacted that way. I’m sure that was incredibly hurtful.