Unwelcome return of my libido

[Bluepinkrex]

HRT and return of my libido. What do I do?
My DH went off sex a few years ago. It really crushed me for a while but I’ve worked through my feelings of rejection and made my peace with not having sex ever again. I’ve had a few gynae issues so my libido had dwindled to nothing. I’ve recently started HRT and I’ve become aware that my sex drive is starting to come back. I really don’t want this but I need the benefits that the oestrogen provides. I didn’t realise that this might even be an issue. I tried to discuss it with my DH at the weekend and he said ‘well don’t look at me! You’ll have to sort yourself out’
I can’t go back to ‘sorting myself out’ as it’s the loneliest thing ever. I’d just rather not have any drive. What do I do?

I came of mine after I lost weight

Don't roll your eyes at that poster, OP. No-one is telling you that you should leave, they are telling you what they would do in your position - and the fact that there are people who would explode all those things might give you pause that it's not reasonable to expect you just to put up with this.

I really do think this is too big for the two of you to get through without help. I think counselling would help you individually and potentially also as a couple if your DH were willing to engage - although if he won't, I'd see it as a concern.

@Cheese55 i always thought that it would be my libido that gave up first. I used to say to my DH that we needed to have as much sex as possible before I hit 50 as that might be it. It’s been astounding to me that his desire disappeared first. It must be six years since we stopped having sex - the viagra incident aside. I just want mine to catch up with his so there isn’t this mismatch

@EgregiouslyOverdressed you can’t make me not roll my eyes. I’m doing it now, in real life. 😂😂😂

It all feels very transactional between you. You ask, he says no, that's the end of that. What makes it the end?

You say you had one disastrous attempt with Viagra and he doesn't want to go there again, nor has time to experiment with it in other scenarios, so that's the end of that.

Are you ok with him saying The End, and refusing to remain in this with you, discuss it, or come to any kind of compromise? Does he do this in other areas of your marriage, or is it just around your sexual relationship?

For me it's not the fact that he no longer wants to have sex, it's the absolute refusal to remain in conversation or look at options with you and his attitude that would be the most hurtful. I think finding joy in a life partnered with someone like that would be quite difficult for most people.

OK, OP. Good luck to you.

@Bluepinkrex I say the same to my dh. I have no libido so he needs to sort himself out. Or divorce and find someone else. You have been there yourself so you ought to understand how it is for him.

This thread is really sad but I had to laugh at this. This is my experience too and as a pp said, just look at the stats. I honestly don’t know why so many on here are adamant that middle aged/ older men must be hiding a healthy sex drive and satisfying it elsewhere. Why do they think ED meds are so popular? And what do they think happens when men can’t take them (which is quite common)? They can’t get or sustain an erection is what! This, sooner or later can pretty much kill their libido and while there are ways to still have an intimate relationship if there’s understanding and effort on both parts, it is obviously very difficult when they literally cannot get or stay hard. It’s like people just don’t want to believe that impotence is real. They want to think that you can just go to the GP or pharmacy and get a pill to fix it. Same with HRT when the roles are reversed.
I get where you’re coming from, OP. It sounds like this is more than just about your increased libido. It sounds to me like you need an intimate connection with your husband but he has shut down. Most people would feel rejected and find this hard to cope with. Maybe your husband doesn’t want to be intimate because it makes him feel frustrated, or he feels ashamed or embarrassed or under pressure. You need to talk properly because even though you say you are otherwise happy, you need a connection with each other that works for both of you. If you had some regular intimacy and romance in your relationship, I bet you probably wouldn’t mind so much have to “sort yourself out” now and then. I think that’s what you need above all else.
If he is unwilling to communicate about it at all then I think you need to talk about how your relationship is going to work going forward.
Advice on here about this kind of stuff can be a bit odd. I agree with you about the suggestions of starting affairs etc.
On a recent thread, somebody was suggesting ways that women with partners who have ED or low libido could “seduce” them to get their “motor running” 🤦‍♀️
One, there’s nothing you can do in this way when it is due to a medical condition.
And two, this is real life middle aged people we’re talking about. I’m sure you are being too harsh on yourself op so this is not directed at you but it’s like posters on here are thinking 50 odd year old woman and picturing Gillian Anderson or something. When I picture myself trying to be seductive, I see something a lot closer to Daisy from Keeping Up Appearances 😅

This 100%. I live in a university town and most of my friends are married to ND men who are completely exhausted all the time and overwhelmed by anything that involves interacting with another human being, and/or too busy working all the time / researching steam trains / restoring random old electronics for sex to be on their agenda at all.

And somehow it always ends up being yet another source of shame for the woman for not being able to keep him interested.

Doctors will have heard it all. just go and talk about it. Ask to see a female doctor or women's health nurse if you prefer.

@Trumptontown Yes, as I said earlier in the thread. I would. It’s not about gender.

Absolutely this @TheLoneliestSnail
He’s embarrassed, ashamed, diminished by it. He doesn’t need me going on and on about it, pointing out his lack of interest and performance. He’s knackered out by shift work, family life etc on top of having high blood pressure. He has to live with my depression too. He does not now need a nympho for a wife!
And yes, I am not Gillian Anderson, Nigella Lawson or Davina McCall. I’m a fat, knackered, working mum on HRT, with grey hair, failing eyesight, saggy boobs and stretch marks. They are not queuing up to bed me!

@TheBlueKoala i do understand it. That’s the point. I want to get rid of my desire so I’m not asking him.

Gross

@Ophy83 he gets on average about 5 hours sleep a night. He’s the same on his rest days too, as his body clock is hard wired.

My GP is female. It’s still not a conversation I want to have.

That probably explains a lot. If I only slept 5 hours a night every night I doubt I'd be up for anything much

I know, right. Hence why me becoming a raging nympho is really really undesirable.

Is he affectionate in other ways apart from sex? Like kisses, cuddles, nice words? Just that his response about sorting yourself out was so cold and dismissive. I know that if I completely lost my libido I’d feel sooo terrible about asking my DH to not have sex ever again.

I do kind of think a relationship without sex or some physical affection of some kind isn’t much of a relationship anymore.

If he pleasures you with toys, fingers, mouth would he feel turned on? I couldn’t live with someone that didn’t desire me, it would be so lonely and you shouldn’t feel the need to want to restrict your needs because of him.
Really honestly if it was me I think I’d have to leave.

They've never killed mine, and I've taken several different ones over the course of nearly 40 years.

@Trumptontown If you think the mutual enjoyment of intimacy and sexual pleasure between a married couple is gross then that says more about you.

@Fridgetapas he’s kind and caring and I’m pretty sure he loves me. We don’t cuddle in bed as we are rarely in bed at the same time and not asleep. He no longer notices or remarks on if I look nice and if I ask him about an outfit he will just say ‘yep. It’s fine’ but then I guess that I don’t say to him ‘you look nice’. I mostly only see him in his work uniform anyway.
I always thought that I wouldn’t be able to live without desire but I’ve spent the last few years learning to. It’s made me realise how self obsessed with being desirable that I have been throughout my younger years. I’m trying to move past the idea of my self worth being validated by someone fancying me.

OP you might be able to reduce the oestrogen dose while still having the other benefits?

my libido also increased when I started HRT but it has settled back to previous levels now!

Ive been on HRT for 10 years.

I think you're trying to fit yourself into a misery shaped hole to keep your husband from kicking up a fuss and in my experience that never ends well.
It's not about moving 'past the idea of your self worth bring validated by someone fancying you', it's about your husband showing you some love and affection fgs!!

I absolutely get that. I used to work in joint replacement rehab and quite a few people both men and women would ask me about sexual positions post hip or knee replacement. None of them looked comfortable doing it but they still did it.