Unwelcome return of my libido

[Bluepinkrex]

HRT and return of my libido. What do I do?
My DH went off sex a few years ago. It really crushed me for a while but I’ve worked through my feelings of rejection and made my peace with not having sex ever again. I’ve had a few gynae issues so my libido had dwindled to nothing. I’ve recently started HRT and I’ve become aware that my sex drive is starting to come back. I really don’t want this but I need the benefits that the oestrogen provides. I didn’t realise that this might even be an issue. I tried to discuss it with my DH at the weekend and he said ‘well don’t look at me! You’ll have to sort yourself out’
I can’t go back to ‘sorting myself out’ as it’s the loneliest thing ever. I’d just rather not have any drive. What do I do?

This!!!
If I'm ever not feeling like it, or when I was younger an on my period I'l just give my DH a BJ. Why can't your husband do the same? Sex isn't just PIV.

Out of interest, how old are you OP and how old is your husband?

I think that's untrue. I've read no end of threads on here written by women complaining their partner isn't interested in sex anymore!!

@Loubissou Horse shit. I’m talking about mutual respect, mutual love. Mutual desire.

Fuck all to do with gender, if the roles were reversed I would say exactly the same. If I was somehow incapable in any way - I would still fancy and love my husband enough to make him feel wanted and desired.

I’ve been on anti depressants for 7 years and they don’t affect me like that.

@Additup I’m 51 and he’s 55

Also - I don’t want to demand that he does anything when he’s made it plain he’s not interested. Like I say I had made my peace with us not having sex. We have a good relationship other than that. Why on earth would I want an affair and ruin all of that? And the reason I said solo sex is lonely is that I’ve spent years sorting myself out, waiting for his desire to return. I realised that all it was doing was prolonging the inevitable end of my sex life so it was making me feel more lonely. I had to make peace with it all at some point, so I stopped. Then I had my gynae operation and didn’t start again. All good. Now it’s not all good.

You are not that old then. Of course if you were both on the same page then it wouldn't be an issue, but you're not.

I'm 5 years older than you and would be very unhappy with a life of enforced celibacy.

I think you need to speak with your dh and persuade him to see a dr for his health problems, maybe some tests.

In the meantime have some quality 'me time' 😁

@Additup he’s had his testosterone checked and it’s fine. It’s the blood pressure meds. And given the choice of him having a heart attack or a stroke or having sex, I’d rather he stayed alive.

I think the majority of them are likely getting it elsewhere

Exactly. Anyone, of either sex, saying ‘dont look at me, sort yourself out’ is selfish and uncaring. Basically you don’t have a marriage any more, just a friendship. I couldn’t live like that myself - intimacy, not just PIV sex, is just so important to feel loved, connected, etc (for both of you). Ultimately though, if you don’t want to rock the boat and are genuinely distressed by your libido returning, I’d be researching how to reduce it. If you don’t want to do that you will need to live with it surely. Sad all round

Your marriage is fine but having a discussion about sex would rock the boat?

It's fine for him not to want to have sex, it's not fine for the topic to be completely undiscussable from that point onwards.

If you can work well as a team and that's one of your strong points, then you should be able to work as a team on this. It's a shared issue, not your problem to solve, or his, alone.

@ChicJoker he definitely isn’t getting it elsewhere. He doesn’t have the time or the energy! Plus when I’ve asked him about whether he is masturbating he says no. He just doesn’t have erections any more.

@Purplecatshopaholic researching it is what I’m doing now. There isn’t a huge amount out there about getting rid of unwanted female libido. It’s all about the opposite. I’m wondering whether it might settle once I’ve got used to the HRT.

@ArabellaWeird I get the idea that we should talk about it, but he’s made it plain that he’s closed that chapter of his life. It’s not going to help if I keep saying ‘get yourself fixed for my sake’. I had accepted it. I just need to get back to a place of accepting it again. I don’t want him servicing me under duress. I can’t think of anything less sexy or connected than that.

It absolutely does happen to men. A larger number of men who would want to admit it (because masculinity is tied up heavily with the idea of constant 'up for it-ness') have low sex drives which disappear to nothing. You can find many many threads on here from women in sexless marriages. Alot of autistic men, in particular, do not enjoy the sensory overload. Both sexes can and do have a wide range of libidos at different points in their lives, its just not really spoken about when it is men.

Ask him what he’d do if the roles were reversed ! He knows the answer

@NettleTea exactly this.

You’re both quite young. Is there any prospect of him reducing or coming off his meds by making lifestyle changes? Perhaps you could be having a very different marriage.

well don’t look at me! You’ll have to sort yourself out

Well then I guess this is the answer. If you don't want to look elsewhere, or medicate yourself, which is understandable, then how about looking into breathwork along the tantric route, which is all about cycling the sexual energy around rather than discharging it?

Might sound a bit woo, but I'm not sure what other options you've got at this point.

It’s a bit of a tangent, but I find the “a marriage without sex is just a friendship” argument to be a very strange take. There’s a lot more than sex that differentiates my marriage from the other close relationships in my life - we’re intimate in ways that go far beyond the physical. Sex is important in our marriage, but I would never want it to be the defining element.

@Dahliadaily i might be wrong but I think on you’re on blood pressure medication you stay on it. I don’t think it’s the sort of condition that improves over time, such that you can come off it once it’s back to normal.

@cooldarkroom yeah, he’d happily sort himself out! I know I’m probably peculiar in finding self love to be a lonely act. I’m sure he would be fine with that.

People who think men don’t lose interest should consult the stats on men and sexual desire in later life, because they may be in the a shock. By 60 latest more than half of men have completely lost the ability.

I’m not sure why masturbating has to be framed as ‘the loneliest thing ever’. It isn’t.

Buy yourself a good vibrator and think of it a pleasurable self-care.

This may not be the same as your story but just as another take.

My husband and I didn't have sex for about 5 years at one point in our marriage. I thought he had become asexual. He said he didn't masturbate. Didn't really talk to me about it. Erection problems. He spent all of his free time with me and I had no trust issues. We had children and I loved him so I just carried on and hoped if I kept reaching out then one day it may return.
Turns out he was addicted to porn and was talking to women online as to get any sort of response from his penis he needed this.
We separated for years and he spent all that time on hook up sites sleeping with anyone who would.
I would NEVER EVER have thought he would do this. I also thought we were friends. I trusted him. I do not recognise this man from the man I was married to for 20 years.

Maybe my story is extreme. My concern is that your husband when you spoke to him didn't really show you any empathy or care just brushed it off which is not nice.